Should I give up on this friendship?

[FortKnox]

A male friend of mine, let's call him Tim, is in a very long-distance relationship and has been for the past 4 years. They met online and will be meeting in person for the first time next month.

I have known Tim for a long time (he is friends with my ex boyfriend, who I am still good friends with) and we have always gotten on well. We have spent a lot of time together over the years and I have helped him with a lot of stuff, including proof-reading essays and giving him some temporary employment.

My own relationship was long-distance for a long time and after my relationship split up I sent Tim (as well as a few other people such as my ex boyfriend's parents) a little message just saying thank you for being so kind to me since I moved here (I moved countries to be with exbf) and helping me feel at home etc. He sent me a message back saying that he wants me to know I can always count on him if I need help with anything (rides to hospitals, moving apartments etc) since I don't have family here. I now live alone about 10 minutes away from him so, were something to happen, he actually would be my geographically closest friend!

...He then mentioned this offer he made me to his long-distance GF and she flipped and was upset with him for about two weeks, making it clear that if he ever did help me that their relationship would be in serious trouble. She seems convinced that he is interested in me (based on what I am not sure) and although she knows little about me she has decided that I cannot be trusted.

She has now said to him that he has to "report all communications" between us. For example, if we type to each other on Skype then he would be expected to copy-paste the chat to her. Our conversations are innocent, but I am a pretty private person so don't really want my messages being read by a girl I have never met. Is that unreasonable? Maybe so?

I remember what it was like having a bit of long-distance relationship paranoia back in the day so I understand her behaviour to some degree, but I would never have "banned" my boyfriend from speaking to girls. Hell, he even lived alone with a very pretty girl for a year! And I really am not some sexy vixen who is about to go over there and try and hit on Tim - if for no other reason than he is spoken for AND my ex's friend!

I don't want to lose my friend as he really is one of the nicest people I know, but I also don't want to somehow mess up his relationship for him. He has basically said that he doesn't want to stop talking to me, but feels like he has do what his gf asks as she gets so upset otherwise. Is it best to just cut contact completely?

Sorry this was an epic post!

[saintmerryweather]

i would probably cool the friendship down, tell him you're there for him if he ever needs you but you dont want to make things difficult for him with his controlling psycho girlfriend. i wiuldnt be happy with my private conversations being read by a stranger either

[WhatABeautifulPussy]

What about if you meet up with him in person?

I wouldn't drop this friendship but I think if you don't you're going to have to accept he'll probably be reporting back :(

The cynic in me says that it's all getting very really for her and she's trying to pre-emptively give herself an escape route that doesn't weigh on her conscience. You seem a pretty good candidate for that and she gets to reeled like the wronged party.

[cosydressinggown]

He doesn't have a long distance relationship! He has a crazy Catfish relationship with some nutter he's never met on the internet!!! Who the hell is in a long distance 'relationship' for four years without meeting?!?!

He'll work that out for himself after he actually meets him her. It'll all fall apart. Internet relationships when sustained for that length of time do not reflect real life.

If she doesn't want him to be near other women and yet she lives very far away and they have never met, she's clearly not a lovely sane girl that he's going to meet (after four long years) and fall madly in love with. It's all bullshit.

I'd just tell him in a friendly way that you consider friendships to be private and expect him not to report communication between you to anyone else. Then I'd withdraw from him until he gets over this weird stage in his life and logs off.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

His girlfriend is insecure and jealous. Screening his Skype communications is as ridiculous and unreasonable as bugging his phone-calls. He should be able to have some old female friends and not be forced to choose. How about suggesting that you all meet up next time the g/f is in town?

[LemonDough]

Is his real name Ross & hers Emily?

Sorry, not very helpful. She's raising a bit of a red flag there, I hope Tim spots it. Four years & they've never met?! Has he ever watched Catfish?

[Loopyloulu]

He doesn't have a relationship. He has a penfriend for want of a better term. He can't have a relationship with a woman he's never met and it mad for him or her to think they have. If he thinks it's a relationship then he's as batty as she is and I think you ought to think about being friends with him at all!

I think you should carry on as you were with this Tim though it's his decision not yours, isn't it? He's going to have to answer to his remote friend, not you.

[FortKnox]

I'm pretty sure she really is female! But I share the catfish fears. He truly is a really sweet guy and it would be really sad if he had thrown away the latter half of his 20s on someone who is just going to create problems for him. I suppose he will find out soon enough when he travels for 30 hours to see her!

Part of me wants to say to him that her behaviour is really worrying, but there are many, many ways in which that could backfire horribly!

As far as I understand (due to visas and such) I would not be able to meet her until she moves over here to be with him (assuming it gets that far). But I have said that I look forward to meeting her and have saved my language books for her, offered to give her contact details of a friend of mine who is in the same line of work and has the same nationality as her and various other things that most people would (hopefully) interpret as me being nice rather than "I'm after your man" predatory!

[FortKnox]

Oh and I would love to see him in person as it has been ages, but he is pretty sure if he met up with me then she would break up with him.

[Loopyloulu]

Is this some sort of situation where cultural behaviour plays a part? Is she in the far east for example and wanting to live in the UK and to do that she needs to be married? Sorry if this is way off the mark but the whole thing sounds barmy.
You cannot - repeat cannot- have a real relationship with a person you have never met.
I can't work out how anyone could be 30 hours away- UK to Oz is 24, so where can 30 hours be?
And if they are so keen why has it taken 4 years to even plan to meet?

Sorry but the answer is the same- carry on as normal.

[MooncupGoddess]

Poor old Tim, he's quite clueless and vulnerable, isn't he?

I'd keep in touch as he will need you when this all goes tits up, but confine yourself to occasional bland messages for now.

[FortKnox]

Thanks! I think I am leaning towards leaving him on my Skype contact list etc and just leaving it and seeing if he contacts me. I assume all things will become clearer after he has met her. Either she is lovely and will hopefully be reassured after meeting him or they will figure out it is not the right thing I guess.

Not entirely sure why they haven't met so far. It would always have had to be him going to her due to visas and things I think, but once she has finished studying she will have a job that would qualify her to move here on a special work visa (medical professional) so she doesn't need a visa marriage.

He said 30 hours to me - but that must include switching planes/waiting around in airports! (Scandinavia to SE Asia)

[Loopyloulu]

Would you say you had a relationship with a man who you had only communicated with online?

The visa thing is a red herring. If they wanted to meet sooner they could have. There are these things called tourist visas. They allow you to visit another country.

The fact that you don't think this is all a bit barmy worries me.

[joblot]

They haven't met? That's completely odd. And I'd say it's not a relationship, how can it be? Ignore and carry on as normal. It's the rest that's bonkers

[FortKnox]

No I wouldn't call that a real relationship. I was in a LDR too but it was with someone who I first met in person and then we visited each other once every 6 weeks or so. And there was always an "end date" to the long-distance part as we knew I would move and had a plan for that.

And yes I really do think it is all a bit barmy! But the fact that I know him well and he has always seemed so nice and normal I guess made me just kind of accept it until he started saying how "controlling" she was etc. at which point I just wondered why he didn't just find a "real" girl.

I think another reason why she hasn't been here to visit is that Tim's mum wouldn't think much of him being with someone of her nationality. He hadn't even told his parents where she was from until after he booked his flights and she didn't react too well apparently...

...ok you're right. The more I think about it the more he seems crazy too... Perhaps the semaphore of red flags goes both ways on this one?

[Loopyloulu]

I just hope he sees sense- this Tim sounds about 16 and I hope he isn't duped into something.

There are LDR and there are fantasy relationships. Guess which one this is?

[Clobbered]

If he's a good friend, he should be able to handle it if you say to him that you think it's all a bit over the top and you don't particularly want your conversations monitored by a third party. Make it clear that you're there for him (if you want to be) and let him get on with it. Sounds like things will come to a head when they meet and he may need a shoulder to cry on afterwards...
And let's be clear, it won't be YOU messing up their relationship if it does founder over a few innocent friendly conversations - she's the oddball here, not you.

[cosydressinggown]

Has he been sending her any money?

[hellsbellsmelons]

cosydressinggown has it spot on.
Cool thinks off with him and be there for him when he comes back heartbroken. This will NOT end well!

[hellsbellsmelons]

thinks!!?? THINGS!

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

cosydressinggown, that is my question too...
FortKnox perhaps you could gently ask him if he has helped her pay for medical school? Could be one of those scam internet relationships. There was a thread about OL dating service men awhile back that was a scam and the lady lost bundles of money.
He will find out...I hope she is there to meet him at the airport, keep your fingers crossed for him.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Sorry, FortKnox, I didn't answer your question. I would fade back a little and let him contact you...but still be there for him in the same kind of emergency/need some assistance sort of capacity. Would snail mail work?

[FortKnox]

As far as I know he has not sent her any money for school. He gave the impression that she came from a relatively well off family, but I don't know that for sure.

I do indeed have everything crossed! As of Sunday I have basically said that I do not want her reading my messages and have not initiated contact since then, so will just see what he decides to do.

I think my plan is to just wait and see what happens when he goes over to see her. I'm sure I will hear either from him or from my exbf how it has gone. If he asks for any help/someone to talk to etc in the meantime then I of course will be around for that.

Interestingly I spoke to a friend today (who doesn't know the guy involved) and she feels that if the girl is that insecure then he must be doing something/saying something to cause it. Hard to tell though - unless I ask him to start copy-pasting me their conversations!!

Thank you for all the comments! They have definitely made me smile in spite of long-distance girl painting me as a potential man-stealing hussy!

[oldgrandmama]

Oh please, he hasn't actually MET her in four Years? He's being taken for a mug. And, OP, to be honest, I wouldn't get involved and integrated into this stupid 'non' relationship. Your friend is just being stupid if he thinks there's a real' thing going on. He's being terminally stupid and I don't see what you can do to make him see sense.