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My mother (very long, sorry, but I need help and kind words)

(135 Posts)
Dior Fri 07-Jul-06 12:28:13

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Reginald Fri 07-Jul-06 12:33:03

oh dior ((((( dior )))))

I think what you have done is a massively positive thing which may well pave the way for a stronger and better relationship with your mum in the future. It may well be a relief for her to talk about this with you - I don't know her of course, but imagine that she must have felt guilty about her inability to bond with you when you were a baby. I realise this must've been incredibly difficult for you - it took guts to talk to her today - and you probably feel extremely wobbly and vulnerable now, but I hope you also feel proud of yourself for being honest and brave.

Big hugs for you

(ps i am spacedonkey btw!)

glitterfairy Fri 07-Jul-06 12:33:55

Oh Dior I so feel for you. My mother did not bond with me and we had a similar type of conversation after which I didnt speak to her for two years. Then I had the three kids and she was a pretty good grandma and admitted that she liked them in a way she never had me.

Now with my divorce I have cut her off altogether becuase of her behaviour which is muhc much better for me. the kids all still see her though.

It really hurts and makes you feel totally rejected but it is now up to you to think about what sort of an adult relationship you want with her. In my case I decided no relationship was the best way forward but you may decide that is not for you.

I am really thinking of you and want you to know I am sending you a huge hug!

Dior Fri 07-Jul-06 12:39:14

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AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 07-Jul-06 12:40:11



You have indeed done a positive thing here which is btw also something that the writer of "Toxic Parents" advises the child now an adult to do - confront.

If you haven't already read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward it may be something you may wish to consider. There are extracts of it available online if you want to read some of it beforehand.

I hope you can both move forward now.

I wish you well

Reginald Fri 07-Jul-06 12:41:28

Did she acknowledge how you feel about it, or was she defensive? Did she say she felt bad about it herself?

You're not alone, keep mn open tonight for some virtual support ((( dior )))

anniemac Fri 07-Jul-06 12:44:13

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Dior Fri 07-Jul-06 12:45:20

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gothicmama Fri 07-Jul-06 12:47:05

it is a positive step it is out in the open and a new beginning may be possible if only through the joint love you both hold for your ds
accept the past and how it made you feel but the present and the future are yours to seize

Dior Fri 07-Jul-06 12:47:33

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glitterfairy Fri 07-Jul-06 12:57:36

She may feel better too Dior it may be that she has felt guilty for so long and didnt know how to address it with you.

But you are not repsonsible for her and so long as you behave in a way that makes you feel honest and true I think that is the very very best you can do in the circumstances.

You have started something adn you were right earlier when you said it is up to her to react.

eefs Fri 07-Jul-06 12:59:26

This stood out to me: "So many friends, but none that I feel comfortable wailing with" I bet they would love to be a shoulder for you to cry on but you can't let go with them exactly because you weren't taught how to show emotions physically as as a little girl. There's an irony in there somewhere I think. Do you think you could let go a little with them or are they really only good-time friends?
Dior, it's all so sad, and probably hurts like hell right now, but I do think the fact that your mother "validated" your memories and feelings can only be healing in the long term.
Take care of yourself.

Dior Fri 07-Jul-06 13:45:38

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trinityrhino Fri 07-Jul-06 14:41:11

oh hun, I don't know what to say except huge <hugs> to you

I know what its like to have recurrent depression, I have recently realised that it is to do with having very low self esteem

ramble sorry


saadia Fri 07-Jul-06 14:52:11

So sorry that you're feeling alone, is there anywhere you could take ds after picking him up, or could you ask dh to come home and all of you go out for a meal this evening?

I cannot imagine how awful you must be feeling right now, but try to focus on your own ds. When I'm sad or depressed I do get much comfort from my children.

Obviously I know that your mother's behaviour and attitude are indefensible but it sounds like there were some mitigating circumstances. I think you absolutely did the right thing in declaring your feelings and as others have said she has let you down a lot in the past and if she wants to she still can try to make it up to you. It's now up to her to realise that she is the parent.

Dior Fri 07-Jul-06 19:28:22

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saadia Fri 07-Jul-06 21:00:23

oh how awful, I hope the boy will be moved once you've discussed things with the head.

hunkermunker Fri 07-Jul-06 21:21:46

Oh, Dior

No idea what to say, but thinking of you and hope this is the beginning of healing for you.

x x x x x

glitterfairy Fri 07-Jul-06 21:41:15

How are you Dior? I am thinking of you.

sparklemagic Fri 07-Jul-06 21:51:52

wanted to add my thoughts as well dior. I hope you have managed to get some rest today, you must be exhausted after the emotion of today.

The only thing I would add to the great messages already here is just not to judge the situation too quickly...give yourself time to think through all that happened with your mum and give her time too. As others have said it may well actually pave the way to a better relationship -at least now things are out in the open and you have both been honest with eachother about how you feel, which is a 'bonding' experience in the long run....

I think you've done fantastically today, what with having to field the issue re your son as well - make your DH give you some support now, you need some!

Dior Sat 08-Jul-06 00:26:28

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Reginald Sat 08-Jul-06 00:33:54

go easy on yourself dior - talking to your mum has inevitably raked up a lot of feelings and made you feel really wobbly today ((( dior )))

I know it's not much consolation right now, but what you have done is a good thing that will help to heal some old wounds in the long run, even if it doesn't feel that way right now

If you can't handle seeing the family later in the week, you don't have to: see how you feel nearer the time, but give yourself permission now to steer clear if you can't handle it. You're an adult, you're allowed to choose when and if you want to see them!

Been thinking of you lots today - I'm sorry it's been so shitty - big hugs xxx

Dior Sat 08-Jul-06 00:35:21

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Reginald Sat 08-Jul-06 00:41:16

Thanks - it has taken a long time to lift, but it always does pass eventually doesn't it? You might not feel like it, but you are doing brilliantly. Please don't be too hard on yourself (you are not "pathetic"!) - you have been so brave to confront something so difficult and I am positive that you won't regret it in the long run, whatever your mum's reaction X

Dior Sat 08-Jul-06 00:57:55

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