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The dating thread 65

(1000 Posts)
Queenofthedrivensnow Sun 03-Nov-13 22:09:18


ladygoingGaga Sun 03-Nov-13 23:49:16

Date number 6/7 sort of lost count blush
Problem is I have proper <<<gulp>>> feelings for him, shit, kind of scared as don't want to get hurt, not that anything is wrong, but it's that allowing yourself to have those emotions again

dont sounds like a successful date wink

bessy we all make mistakes! only important thing is that you learn and move on

queen mr unreasonable requests... Do tell more!

ManofMystery Mon 04-Nov-13 06:39:18

Bessy as has been said, sounds like lesson learned. Once you have had sex, a bloke will just expect it. Unfortunately a lot just we dating as a way to get laid so once they have th prize, their work is done.

Expect more and I am a great believer on holding out. Take you time, enjoy the dates and make them work for it. If they like you enough, it will be worth their while.

Posh blokes are like any other man-they will think the same but may not be quite so explicit about it. Huge generalisation of course.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Mon 04-Nov-13 07:16:50

Oh, dating thread! What to do! Long one I'm afraid. So housemate guy just left mine....that was a 15 hour date! exhibition, dinner, drinks, back to mine, movie snuggled up on the sofa - that was really lovely - and he stayed over. It's a very happy comfortable feeling just being literally all wrapped up in each other. He makes me giggle and I feel about 17. We have now seen each other 3 times in a week and stayed over together twice. All quite a lot for me really, but I don't feel too intimidated by it, it's all felt very natural.

Anyway, I really don't know what to do now. It seems feelings are developing with him and racing ahead of what I was starting to feel for Dimples, who I have had lovely times with on the 2 dates we've had (and who in many ways on paper is a brilliant long term match for me - similar interests, lifestyle, approach to things etc) but there has been a physical affection barrier there and no real banter in between spaced out dates so it's just not had the chance to develop. So the clear choice would be to end things with Dimples and just see where things go with housemate guy. However there are 2 potential dealbreakers with him. One is religion, but need to discuss that more really to understand his position, but I always thought I could never picture myself with a religious person (I am atheist). To the extent that I would not reply to messages on OD sites if the profile stated a religion, I figured there was no point. And then secondly, the sex issue. We have slept in the same bed twice now, a lot of physical affection, even passion and, well, I have been satisfied if you see what I mean (very!)....but no dtd, and there doesn't even seem to be any, erm, interest in his downstairs's to the point where I'm wondering, is there a medical issue, is it the religion thing, or something else, because clearly he does like me and find me attractive - even used the word beautiful on a few occasions. Sex is quite important to me, I have a fairly high sex drive, and whilst I am not complaining that I was definitely, erm, taken care would drive me mad being in the same bed as someone all the time and not actually dtd.


Stupidhead Mon 04-Nov-13 07:22:41

Oh oneday! I'm the same as you with religion, even down also not replying to messages from guys who were.

The no 'stirring downstairs' at all would be a huge warning to me, I'd wonder if it was some hang up. Especially if you did everything but. What if that carries on? What if he won't do 'it' unless married? Can you talk to him at all?

ladygoingGaga Mon 04-Nov-13 08:44:09

oneday the religion aspect wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, after all we all have different interests, as long as he wasn't fanatical about it.

The sex thing though hmm that does seem strange, all that passion yet no sign he was aroused? I would guess huge nerves or medical issue on his part maybe?

ManofMystery Mon 04-Nov-13 08:52:39

Don't want details but when you say no interest, I take it that errr it was not taken out? I agree with all the above reasons but also perhaps he is not proud of his length/girth. This was mentioned earlier in the thread but if he feels he is not able to satisfy you with it, he may try everything else to keep you happy. As it seems he has done....

Course he can only go so far without going all the way as it were.

Poffedoff Mon 04-Nov-13 09:40:02

Oneday I hear ya!

I'm also an atheist... a good few of my friends would have some religious beliefs ranging from spiritual to full on fanatic...Have you talked about your differences? If so, how did he respond to your atheism? It really depends on how full on he is about it, unlike other "interests" though, religion can be quite a tricky one if you're both on opposite ends of the spectrum..
Regarding dtd, I was with a guy who seemed to have problems first few times we were together... Turns out it had been quite a while for him, he was nervous and just couldn't perform.. Lots of reassurance from me and gentle " coaxing" soon did the job... We did, however, talk about it... Surely he made some reference to the fact there was nothing stirring down below?

Poffedoff Mon 04-Nov-13 09:49:54

Gaga, that's what I was talking about!!!
The changeover from the heady first few dates to the commitment stage is bloody unsettling... There's such a fine line between wanting to show them you're falling for them and coming across as clingy and pushy!
I took it incredibly slow with pof guy, held back a lot and let him open up to me first...
I'm still the one with the constant fizzing in my stomach and broken nights so it seems, in my case, it might have been more the thrill of the chase for him. Once he got me to lose a bit of my vulnerability and admit I was falling he seemed to change his tune..
Communication is vital. Try not to let it go too long before you discuss about being exclusive while you both see where it goes. Have you both come off the site yet?

HelloBoys Mon 04-Nov-13 10:52:09

Man - I can't quite remember now re the confidence.

whatever it seems my dating skills seem to be zero right now!

I'm having next to no luck (apart from men I don't fancy etc) on Match Affinity.

An anecdote for you - met a friend of mine Saturday (with the other friends) - she was meant to have a date with man travelling from Leicester to London to meet her but then she realised when he said he'd come to her house that it was booty call time. She declined. Another man she was messaging - he was asking stuff like "do you like tattoos/body art etc?" she said "hmmm they're ok etc" - next thing he'd apparently nipped into a service station and taken a shot of his buttock with tribal art on it and emailed it to her. She wasn't impressed. What was worse (or better?!) was that he didn't know the significance/meaning etc behind the tribal art.

HelloBoys Mon 04-Nov-13 10:54:29

Anyway back to me (my favourite topic, LOL).

I was wondering - what/where do single women go for man action? Maybe Man could help out?

I was sort of thinking pubs near river (Richmond etc) especially on sporting days - eg for rugby types... been watching too much Strictly with Ben Cohen - gasp

but where else do men go? art galleries? I have NO idea. and it's mostly so we get to chat to these creatures.

ManofMystery Mon 04-Nov-13 11:44:53

HelloBoys-that sounds hilarious re your mate. Not sure I have ever taken a picture of my arse and sent it to anyone- What are some people thinking?

I am sure your dating skills are not zero-and what sort of man action are you after? If it is just to meet some new people, I am always of the thinking that you should just get out there and enjoy some hobbies/activities and the men will come flocking.

If you are enjoying yourself, they will see that and that will pull them in...going out to where they hang out maybe somewhat less easy-I hate football but I would assume it would be harder of there attention is drawn by a flying ball..

I will drop you a message..

ladygoingGaga Mon 04-Nov-13 12:25:22

poff I guess a conversation is needed, we have both come off from the site and have planned weekends together for the foreseeable, I have a weekend planned with friends in December and he is now cominggrin
so I hope actions speak louder than words.
He has referred to me as his 'mrs' in a jokey way and described us as being in a relationship so although we have not had a actually 'so then' conversation it feels certain to

ladygoingGaga Mon 04-Nov-13 12:28:23

helloboys I would say just be confident and happy in yourself and get out there and enjoy yourself in whatever you enjoy, be that gym/other interests.
I wouldn't go off doing things with the only purpose of meeting someone, enjoy being you then its not wasted effort and from what ive seen men like a woman who is happy in herself.. if that makes any sensegrin

Queenofthedrivensnow Mon 04-Nov-13 14:04:01

I have tried loads of methods of meeting men and all I get is new female friends! Which is good but less helpful!

Lots contact and compliments from gap yah. Bit meh about it still

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Mon 04-Nov-13 14:18:57

Man no we were both starkers. There was, as Stupidhead put it, nothing stirring. He seemed comfortable though, this time. The first time I think he seemed fairly nervous. We didn't discuss it directly - to be fair he was distracting me fairly expertly - later I did ask ''is there anything I can do for you'', he said, ''not this time'' and then it was all kissing and lovely stuff being said and I got distracted again.

I don't think religion would be an absolute dealbreaker as long as I was never expected to participate. He didn't react badly, I volunteer with a church-run project and mentioned being the only non-Christian there and being invited to go to church with them and not wanting to, and he seemed supportive of me not being coerced. But I don't really know how seriously he takes it and what it really means to him. There's definitely potential future issues - for example I would not get married in a church, or want any children to go to a faith school (he went to a faith school). That's big stuff to bring up so early on.

But I guess conversations need to be had. Next time. In the meantime I have a 3rd date with Dimples tonight, which I am looking forward to, not sure if my heart is really in it though with the other guy taking up so much headspace. It has been so slow to develop, I feel like I really need to see a sign that he is keen on me and find more of a physical spark otherwise this is all too much of a headache to keep up. Although he is a really lovely man, I fancy him, and interests/lifestyle wise we are very well suited...

I never envisaged having a choice like this!!!

HelloBoys Mon 04-Nov-13 16:08:52

Thanks for the info.

The only snags are.... whenever I'm at the gym everyone there is gyming it too - the only men tend to be VERY into their workouts!

I'm in WI (and we do all sorts (cake making, craft stuff) but they don't allow men in! The only other places I do go are pub, shopping etc but sometimes you see men there sometimes not.

ordinarybloke Mon 04-Nov-13 16:43:23

Dontcall - a meal at a posh restaurant and a pizza in the same evening?Perhaps you needed to keep your energy up ;-)

So had date with Black Pepper Woman - a nice evening, but when I went to kiss her she backed-off. Whether she does not fancy me or it is too fast for her due to her culture (moved here frim China 5 years ago) is something I do not yet know. Texted her sat eve to say enjoyed myself and would like to see her again.No reply yet,but she often takes her time replying.

Sunday afternoon date with Cheese Woman. Nice time, no initial spark but it could develop (more chance than with Black Pepper Woman). Sent message sunday evening that I really enjoyed nyself and would love to see her again soon. No reply yet,although she normally replies quite quickly. Did mention where I worked and she knows somone who also works there and knows of me.So perhaps she is asking him about me?

ManofMystery Mon 04-Nov-13 16:43:48

Gyms are never good places-too much sweat and grunting for it to be attractive...

I always think pugs are a bit forces and shopping is tricky. I do think classes are they way forward. No relationship pressure, get to know them over time and regular contact. What more do you want??!

BillMasen Mon 04-Nov-13 16:44:10

Thread regular here but not been on for a while. Just wanted to comment on bessys situation and say yes it's perfectly possible to Dtd on a first meeting and then to start "dating". A decent bloke will be quite comfortable with what happened, and also comfortable to subsequently meet and date "properly". man is wrong saying he will always just want sex.

To be fair, it does sound like yours wasn't in that space though and was only after one thing. All I'm saying is Dtd on a first meeting does not automatically make the man a "player" or incapable of proper dates.

ladygoingGaga Mon 04-Nov-13 16:46:35

oneday is there anything I can do for you made me laugh because that is exactly what I would have said grin
I'm sure that will improve with time if he is nervous etc and relaxes.

I race ahead in my mind sometimes, easier said then done, but just enjoy it for the now.

Good link with dimples tonight, I'm hope by the end of the night it is clearer in your mind, go with your gut feeling.

LividofLondon Mon 04-Nov-13 16:50:13

" All I'm saying is Dtd on a first meeting does not automatically make the man a "player" or incapable of proper dates"

I have to say, having tried the holding out approach and the just have fun approach, I can honestly say it has made no difference to whether I've dated the man or not. I've jumped into bed with some and dated them for months afterwards, and I've held out with others and it's not lasted. I reckon a man is either into me, interested in dating me, or he isn't, regardless of how quickly we DTD. So I go with the flow and do what feels right at the time these days.

ladygoingGaga Mon 04-Nov-13 16:53:55

Just catching up on the thread updates from last night
pauline no advice I'm afraid for dating posh blokes, never been there!

stupidhead 6'6 and 6'4 I'm very envy

Hormonalhell Mon 04-Nov-13 19:20:48

Yes I agree with Livid if a guy is into you, even if you have sex it won't put him off. He'll just feel incredibly lucky!!grin

I once DTD with a guy because I was horny and not really that into him. He pursued me relentlessly and I never DTD with him again because he liked me more than I did him. We are still good friends tho.

Regarding the 'no stirrings' I once dated a guy like this. He was diabetic and his medication made him unable to obtain an erection. I got bored very quickly shock

Bessy5678 Mon 04-Nov-13 20:26:31

Thank you for all your great advice. Most of my girls friends are married or in relationships and I don't have anyone in RL I can talk to about it all.

So I've set up another profile, selected that I'm looking for a relationship and written a profile. I'm just going to wait now and see and not make the same mistake again!!

Thanks again for all the advice!

49howdidthathappen Mon 04-Nov-13 22:00:03

Agree completely with Bill.

Met my chap on a night out, invited him back for coffee sex within an hour. Been together nearly a year now grin

I have never held out. Works for me.

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