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Is this normal? Am I in the wrong here?(107 Posts)
Bit of background first, as I don't want to drip feed. I have been with my DP for four years and we have lived together for most of that time.
He's a lovely person with a lot of qualities and I am absolutely besotted with him. Sounds a bit sick inducing but I adore him and think that, with exception of what I'm about to say, that he could be my "one".
I have a couple of problems really. The first one is that he is still married. I found this out after a year and a half of being told he was divorced. Two and a half years later, despite lots of promises, this remains unchanged.
The second problem is sex. This is actually very hard to type as I'm quite a private person and I have only ever been with one other person and that was for a long time.
Is it normal that he always seems to be obsessed with it? Seriously, it's been less than 24 hours since we...you know, and all he has done is grab me and make comments saying how much he is looking forward to having a piece of me later.
He's been pressuring me to (I'm so sorry if this is tmi) do it in a certain way I am really not comfortable with and I have felt railroaded into promising him I will. I regret this.
Now I used to have a lot of issues around sex but being with my DP has hot rid of a lot of those as he is, on the whole, lovely and very caring.
I just called him up on grabbing my boob in front of his 13 year old daughter and he called me frigid.
Am I just pissing into the wind here?
On the plus side, he is loyal, very loving and caring, extremely generous and someone I would literally trust with my life.
Help!!! Sorry again for the tmi.
don't forget to update us OP! I doubt he went back. It's a power trip.
I really hope the 10 mins are up and he didnt come back
Wow. I really hope this thread has helped you make the decision to leave. Nobody deserves to be treat like that.
Please understand and see that the reason you are doubting the talks and the leaving is down to his manipulative and his controlling ways.
I hope you have left already. You deserve so much more than this.
You are 25...dont waste your life on this pathetic specimen!
How can you say you would trust him with your life when he has lied to you about being divorced? And he is coercing you into doing things which you are uncomfortable with. He sounds untrustworthy and bullying. And creepy.
Ask yourself, if you want children in the future, is this the man you want as their father??
If not then get shut ASAP.
I think you should just go home too. Stop trying to make him see things from your point of view - he won't because he's a nasty piece of work and once he realises you're seeing him differently I think he'll get nastier.
Dont wait for him to come back, just go home.
Finish it. He really is not a nice person, he sounds manipulative at the very least and probably abusive. The thing is with this type of person, they are so good at doing and saying all the right things so you believe they care for you, but it is all down to getting their own way.
I'm still really struggling with this I'm afraid. I thought that us talking it through would help but he just gets defensive and tells me I'm just as bad as him if not worse.
I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
Have just got a little sarcastic with him and he's walked out and left me to get home from the pub alone.
I've given him ten minutes to come back and I'm going to finish with him if he doesn't come back. I am done.
An ex wanted me to do something horrible sexually and kept trying to put pressure on me with the words, 'if you loved me, you'd do it'.
Obviously, I turned it around and said that if he loved me, he wouldn't ask me to do it, knowing it wasn't my cup of tea.
Just because you've agreed to do something, op, doesn't mean you can't change your mind. It's your body, you decide what to do with it.
Take care of yourself.
He sounds like my ex. I was stupid enough to marry him and waste years of my life. Please don't make the same mistake. Honestly, when you meet a genuinely nice guy, you will wonder what on earth possessed you to keep trying to justify this relationship.
grapelovingweirdo have you had any counselling for the assault when you were 14? It might be frightening to revisit the feelings that this created in you, but once you have properly addressed those issues I don't think for a minute you would put up with this guys behaviour.
His attitude is just not on. He has very little or no respect for you or he wouldn't keep badgering you for sex or asking you to do things you are not happy with.
It wont change, he's been doing it for 4 years. If you give in to his sexual requests (those you are not happy with) then he will badger you to do other things as you've already given in once. Sex should be enjoyable for both of you. Not you being pressurised to do things you are not happy with.
Do not let him walk over you.
So have all of the problems in your relationship reduced to the single anal sex issue?
There's no bigger turn off than pressure for sex.
You can use the medication as an excuse to start the chat - assuming your not ditching him.
Thanks so much for your replies. Some of them have been very hard to read, that's good though. I didn't have a chat with him last night, I was knackered and went to bed.
Not sure how to approach it tonight. From his perspective, it's always been the same so why go mad about it now? Iyswim
Another point is that right now thanks to the medication your just not into sex, it's not him or you it's the medication. He should be respectful of this and backing off not expecting you to lie back.
he sounds a real catch and very loving and caring.
Seriously get rid and get out. He's not a nice person so don't kid yourself. Nice caring loving people don't treat their partners like that.
You don't need to "have the chat" about undoing your agreement to have anal sex you know. Even in the context of a cohabiting relationships consent is something fluid that is constantly under negotiation. Even if you'd had anal sex with him once already and enjoyed it, he cannot assume that he can just slip it in there again next time without you demonstrating enthusiastically at the time that you want him to.
In a healthy relationship you are allowed to change your mind about sexual proclivities as often as you like.
There are huge red flags here. The divorce is certainly one. In the real world people often start new relationships before finalising (or even starting) divorce proceedings on their old one. But to live with someone who still has a legal spouse is not the wisest move. You have no legal rights and can be affected by the actions of the estranged spouse. But even supposing you were ok with all that, HE LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT. There's no way to explain that one away.
The groping is just sleazy disrespectful behaviour. Don't be fooled into thinking it's flattering that he fancies you so much he can't keep his hands of you. It's entitled behaviour, not desire. It's no different from expecting you to do all the housework - it's a job you do to service his needs. If it was about desire he'd get turned on by seeing you turned on, and turned off by seeing you repulsed. Instead, he wants you to take part in a sex act you find repulsive.
I'm sorry. Difficult reading I know. I wish you strength to get your head around it all and make a good decision.
grape flashbacks for me too! you say he's 'up for it all the time' does he try other ways to convince you? Start prodding at you while you're sleeping? Not let you sleep? Tell you his balls will explode if he doesn't get it? If you loved me you would? All of these are sexual abuse. along with the pressuring you into doing things you want to do, and calling you frigid.
Your question along the lines of 'surely people should have autonomy over their bodies?' really hit home. I'm fuming (on your behalf!) that you even have to ask this question. Yes each individual has autonomy over their bodies! You are allowed to say no. You don't even have to engaged, explain or anything else. It's no because it's no.
Start deciding on your own boundaries, and assert them. You should be able to tell from his reaction whether this will ever work or not.
It looks horrible when it's typed out because it ishorrible.
No matter how nice he is the rest of the time, the facts are :
- He is (apparently daily) pressuring you into a sex act that you do not want to take part in.
-He gropes you in front of his child, even though he knows that you find this distressing due to a sexual assault you suffered when you were a child.
-He uses sexually vindictive insults when you do not instantly give in to his demands.
-For over half of your relationship he was lying to you, and since you found out he has done nothing to rectify the lie or any damage done.
Abusers are generally not horrible all the time. If they were, they would never get started in relationships. Whether you consider your partner to be an abuser or not, he is behaving in a sexually aggressive way towards you.
You sound like a lovely person. Your self esteem is low because he has made you feel inadequate and weak. You are neither of those. Your body is yours. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I must admit I am a lot older than you but if I don't like a sexual act I won't do it - whatever. You are only young - I hadn't met the father of my children at your age. Dump the old fella and enjoy yourself with your friends for a few months. I promise you that you will so much better in a few months without this man draining you. If you need help in getting out of the relationship just ask there are so many experienced people in this site who will hold your hand. You will find that he will have no where to go but that isn't your problem. X
He's married to someone else.
He grabs your breasts in front of children and calls you frigid when you object.
He speaks about you disrespectfully.
Yeah, he sounds like a real catch.
OP, these are the things that matter. These are the things that show his true character.
He wouldn't be my idea of 'The One', that's for sure.
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