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Is this normal? Am I in the wrong here?

(107 Posts)
grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 18:59:33

Bit of background first, as I don't want to drip feed. I have been with my DP for four years and we have lived together for most of that time.

He's a lovely person with a lot of qualities and I am absolutely besotted with him. Sounds a bit sick inducing but I adore him and think that, with exception of what I'm about to say, that he could be my "one". smile

I have a couple of problems really. The first one is that he is still married. I found this out after a year and a half of being told he was divorced. Two and a half years later, despite lots of promises, this remains unchanged.

The second problem is sex. This is actually very hard to type as I'm quite a private person and I have only ever been with one other person and that was for a long time.

Is it normal that he always seems to be obsessed with it? Seriously, it's been less than 24 hours since know, and all he has done is grab me and make comments saying how much he is looking forward to having a piece of me later.

He's been pressuring me to (I'm so sorry if this is tmi) do it in a certain way I am really not comfortable with and I have felt railroaded into promising him I will. I regret this.

Now I used to have a lot of issues around sex but being with my DP has hot rid of a lot of those as he is, on the whole, lovely and very caring.

I just called him up on grabbing my boob in front of his 13 year old daughter and he called me frigid.

Am I just pissing into the wind here?

On the plus side, he is loyal, very loving and caring, extremely generous and someone I would literally trust with my life.

Help!!! Sorry again for the tmi.

HotDogSlaughter Sun 03-Nov-13 19:22:55

Oh dear - too many red flags here.

"Frigid" what are we in 1959 here ? hmm

oldgrandmama Sun 03-Nov-13 19:23:46

Oh heavens, BIG red flags all over the place. First, he's still married and hasn't been truthful about this. Then, pressuring you into doing some 'sex act' you don't want to do - nasty. Then groping you IN FRONT OF HIS 13 YEAR OLD TEENAGERDAUGHTER - and calling you frigid'. Sorry, that's just vile vile behaviour and the poster Vatta(above) who pointed out that this is a form of sexual abuse is right.

Frankly, I'd get out of this relationship if I were you. It isn't going to get any better.

bellablot Sun 03-Nov-13 19:27:18

He should know better, imagine your dad doing that in front of a 13 year old you, it's wrong, plain wrong. Groping and shit like that, why would feel it was appropriate to do this? And he lied about his divorce, deal breaker for me, lying from the start, not good. You are only 28, he's practically an auld codger, he probably doesn't believe his luck. Get rid before you regret it.

Sleepyhoglet Sun 03-Nov-13 19:29:09

This doesn't sound healthy. It sounds quite a controlling relationship.

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 19:29:21

My H knew I was abused and used it as an excuse to treat me badly and say I was weird and strange because I didn't like it. Took me years of breakdowns and depression and self doubt before I realised that he was wrong. I had been abused and did have problems but most of them were caused by the way he treated me. I stayed for decades - don't let him do that to youx

Sleepyhoglet Sun 03-Nov-13 19:29:40

How does he get on with his wife / ex wife. Perhaps she has similar issues with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:29:47

He doesn't respect you OP. Doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you about his marital status and doesn't respect your boundaries either. It's flattering to be wanted but he's treating you like a piece of meat. Does this 'extremely generous' older man mean that he gives you money or expensive gifts?... He sounds like he thinks he owns you. Be very, very careful

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 19:31:11

So he's a married sex pest who gropes you in front of his daughter?

No that is not normal.

Or acceptable.

redundantandbitter Sun 03-Nov-13 19:36:39

Please DON'T do think the thing you says you would, you won't enjoy it if you feel pressured. And that doesn't make for great sex. I had a very sheltered sex life too before EXP but it was ME that was suggesting things left right and centre. And we didn't do them all, just chucked ideas around. You are supposed to feel balanced and even and both able to say 'um, no not right now' . Stick with what you are comfortable with. He should be respecting you and your thoughts. Sorry you feel you have to 'promise'

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:39:53

Thanks for the replies everyone, much appreciated. Wow, I was expecting to be called unreasonable I guess.

Just to clarify, we are both equal adults in careers, he doesn't give me money or expensive gifts (no more than in the average relationship) so it's not a sugar daddy situation. We've helped each other out of tight spots over the years and are both financially equal smile

It's really hard for me to create a picture of him that doesn't sound really nasty and two dimensional even though I know he's not.

There is something to be said though for the fact that this does look extremely crap written down. That in itself is a red flag and I could see it waving in front of me when typing it out.

I've been on antidepressants because of some work stress and, ironically, they have made me completely dead "down there". This has not helped.

Am going to have to have the conversation with him tonight about not doing "the thing" he wants. I was a little drunk when I agreed and now really regret it.

The thing is, whenever I say something to him like: "I really love you, I really would do anything for you" it always means that he brings up "the thing" either blatantly or not.

I have a problem confused

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:43:45

Huh? Has someone suggested that he's buying you off? Has someone said you're being unreasonable?

I'm guessing the Thing is anal sex?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:45:12

What is this 'thing'? And please don't demean yourself with phrases like 'I'd do anything for you because I love you'. Coercive, sleazy types will grab onto something like that every time.

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:46:19

I was just addressing cojita's point upthread smile no, no one has said I am being unreasonable but I did worry that I was. Four years of this and I'm not sure i can see the wood for the trees!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:46:35

@Vivacia... I picked up on the phrase 'extremely generous' and wondered if it meant he was materially/financially generous and expected 24/7 sex in return. It happens

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:46:36

I'd do anything for you because I love you

Yes, this struck me as unusual too. I am happy with "I love you".

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:47:34

Anal...and it feels weird even typing it! Tried it, hated it, never again. I'm being strong tonight!

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:48:31

Apologies to both grape and Cogito I missed that. To me the overwhelming message of this thread is that his behaviour isn't ok, so I was surprised you, grape, picked up on something about finances!

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:49:33

Shit. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I had to be "strong tonight" to stop my partner from having anal sex with me.

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:49:53

You're probably right about the "I'd do anything" phrase. I have always been very open about my feelings and never hold back. I can see that this night open me up to some trouble

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:50:44


CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:52:56

Always be strong in any relationship. 'Love' is great but it emphatically doesn't mean you should have to be submissive or tolerate offensive & disrespectful behaviour. Stand up to him now, tell him he crossed a line and judge him by his reaction. If he is apologetic and wants to make amends, great. If he gets defensive, thinks you're making a fuss over nothing and carries on regardless, see him for what he is.

bellagogosdead Sun 03-Nov-13 19:55:54

Yikes That 'being strong' comment sounds bad.

Unlikelyamazonian Sun 03-Nov-13 19:57:18

I expect the thing is anal sex.

Look OP, he's married.

He's lied.

He's denigrated you verbally and assaulted you physically in front of a vulnerable teenager.

He's trying to make you do something sexual you don't want to do.

You're only 25.

So how are you going to get him out of your flat/home or where else can you go and live?

Unlikelyamazonian Sun 03-Nov-13 19:58:05

Haha. I was right.

frustratedashell Sun 03-Nov-13 20:00:20

As everyone else has said, this doesn't sound like a loving relationship. And definitely don't do anal if you don't want to.

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