Confronting the person who is gossiping, should I do it? Advice please

[P35]

Unfortunately I had an affair which became public knowledge (over a year has now passed) I have young children and my husband and I are trying our best to repair our marriage, I do have a huge amount of regret and remorse for everything that has happened. A woman who is friends with the wife of the man I had the affair with, is unable to let us get on with our lives......she still openly discusses the affair, particularly with anyone who still speaks to me, telling them that I am evil and they should not be friends with me. I am about to confront her (to ask her to back off and let us re-build our lives), good idea or not??

[Blondeorbrunette]

What is the situation with the mm and wife, did they reconcile?

[P35]

Yep......

[Twoandtwomakeschaos]

Would it be better if your DH asked her to butt out, as she might take it better from the innocent party? It's not her business, fwiw, but she must be pretty upset on her friend's behalf.

[lalalonglegs]

Probably not - she feels you deserve this sort of treatment, she's getting a kick out of taking the moral high ground. Confronting her will only give her something else to talk about. If people believe you are evil for having affair, it's probably best to look for new friends elsewhere.

[P35]

Lala - I have loads of supportive friends and am not looking to make new ones, I don't trust anyone anymore. Maybe I should accept that I deserve this and let her carry on, my life is pretty much ruined anyway. Two - he won't get involved and thinks I deserve everything I get!

[Twoandtwomakeschaos]

Oh, OP, but you say you're trying to reconcile: can't he see this doesn't help? He still sounds angry. And why it she damning just you, not the MM?

[P35]

He is still angry......maybe we won't get past this. Because our DC are at the same school she sees me most days (the sight of me is enough to incense her) MM is at work and I guess she doesn't see him?? she has judged based on what she knows from MM's wife.

[Twoandtwomakeschaos]

What do you have to lose, if you confront her? If she already gossips and already hates you and it is already uncomfortable socially, might it be worth it? At least you will have tried ...... I can't answer the questions, btw, but it doesn't sound like much fun at the moment.

[P35]

Thank you 2&2, I was hoping to give her the opportunity to say what she wants to say to my face rather than in tesco's to a random person!! And for me to say what I want to say.... It's not much fun at the moment, and no the affair wasn't worth it either.

[Twoandtwomakeschaos]

I've not been in this situation, but I have been gossiped about (and, fwiw, they got it wrong) and I much preferred it when someone approached me and "had it out" (except, they didn't need to, as I hadn't said it and was obviously bemused by the whole thing); gossip is insidious and I entirely understand your desire to have your say, whatever led to the gossip.

[Lavenderhoney]

You could ask your friends why they are discussing your affair with this woman, and why they don't tell her you are a year into repairing things with your dh, and wish it had never happened. That you are very sorry about it, and wish to move on, and as friends they are supporting you in that. Perhaps she could talk about something else..

You could ask your friends not to pass on this vitriol as its not helpful.

You could ask this woman to go for a coffee with you, or just for a walk, after drop off of something, and tell her you are trying to move on, its happened and you can't go back in time but are trying to move on - and so is your dh and by default your dc. Just state the facts and don't be drawn into rehashing the affair.

[Chottie]

TBH I would take the high moral ground. Just look through her as if she doesn't exist, don't make eye contact and get on with your life.

She sounds a bit of a saddo if she needs to discuss something which is nothing to do with her and the people concerned have moved on anyway. I realise advise is not easy, but you will have the satisfaction of her trying to needle you but not getting any result.

IMO if you confront her it could make things worse. Do you really want to end up in a slanging match with her? are you planning on moving or staying in the same area? It seems that you have moved on and she hasn't.

I'm trying to understand where she is coming from - her life must be very dull if she needs to rehash something which is in the past and quite honestly NOHB.

Please close the door and move on, I promise you that something else will happen which will be far more 'juicy' for her to latch on to. Good luck for the future - please let us know how you get on :)

[CiderwithBuda]

I think I would point out that she is not letting her friend move on either.

[lunar1]

She probably feels like she is supporting her friend. I don't think a confrontation would end well.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Old sins cast long shadows'. The woman isn't lying so you can't exactly call her out on that. I know you want to pretend it never happened but you can't expect others to fall in with your plans. Like all gossips, she'll get bored with your story eventually and move onto someone new. Let your friends decide for themselves if they want to drop you or not.

[Halfacent]

She won't stop gossiping if you confronted. She really wouldn't. Why not do as suggested-ignore her. She can only stop you getting on with your life if you let her. Smile at everyone, be seen as happy with your dh in public, show the world you are back to being a strong unit - with or without this destructive gossiper. Her and her views are insignificant. She sounds as though she's taking 'newsworthiness' credit by presenting herself to others as the 'knower' of what's gone on. Just be nice to everyone. Most people will probably think 'we don't know the whole story' anyway and so won't judge you as harshly as she wants to do in order to raise her own schoolyard status

[PiratePanda]

I'm afraid the ongoing gossip is part of the consequences of what you did, and nothing you do will make it any better - confronting her may even make it worse. You're just going to have to take it on the chin. It will die down eventually but it will take longer if you add fuel to the fire.

Besides, if you consistently show yourself to be a decent person who made a horrible mistake and did something wrong, good people will come round.

[Lweji]

It's likely that not all is well at her friend's house, even they are still together, as you are.
She is probably angry at what her friend has suffered as a consequence of your affair. Probably still suffering, because once you lose the trust it's very difficult to get it back.
Were you a friend of this other woman?

I agree that you should just continue to be who you are and let it die down.

[BrickorCleat]

Chottie, what a lovely kind heartwarming post. I second every word.

OP, you have bigger more important things to deal with than her narrow minded spite.

Have you considerd personal counselling to look at the reasons you looked outside your marriage in the first place? Concentrate on your own life and happiness; you only get one life, make yours beautiful.

It also occurs to me that this silly lady, shrieking with indignation about something she has biased knowledge of, is far too emotionally over invested in the whole thing. I would pity her for the desperation with which she seeks attention and validation out of something she's ignorant of. I might gently and kindly point that out to friends passing along gossip.

You need playground Teflon and something funny or soothing on your headphones under a gorgeous scarf!

Best of luck in your brave new life. I admire your courage.

[cloudskitchen]

I would ignore her and hope she gets bored of it in the end. Sadly she's not doing her friend any favours either if she's keeping the whole thing alive.

[P35]

Thanks everyone. I am Teflon coated in the 'playground' and do have more important things to deal with. My friends have all told her that it is nothing to do with her and she needs to keep her opinions to herself. I do see a counsellor who helps me find the strength to get out of bed every day :-)

[DontWorryBaby]

I would think speaking to the gossip would just give her more to gossip about eg 'listen to what happened with P35 the other day...' Ignore, ignore, ignore. It will pass.