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Gay guy

(109 Posts)
str8tothepoint Sat 02-Nov-13 18:47:33

Just posting as am really low after walking away from the guy I was having an affair with. Breaks me to walk away eventhough he admitted to me several times that he know's he's gay but has to be the straight father and be that way cos doesn't want the shit. I can understand he doesn't want the shit for his DC, I wouldn't but have all the evidence to just send to his OH to prove it but know I'll just destroy everything and have to finish myself off. I'm not a nasty person or evil and I suppose karma does exist being on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just not wanting to be alive anymore. Yes it was an affair, he called me his soulmate, the only person he could be who he truly is with, I kept him sane and from finishing his life before we got in touch. And no he hasn't messed about with lads before me I know that for sure. Just want all the memories to just be erased and want to hate him but it's killing me to not just wanting to message him. I know walking away is for the best just so much crap he fed me about him leaving when DC is older and scared I wouldn't wait around for him. Hope she's happy with him living a lie though I think she knows the truth just scared to be alone herself. He's made me question who I am so much, I thought I knew or felt comfortable being a gay lad but really I'm not so sure anymore and dunno what I am right about anymore. Just confused and need to go for good and that's a huge huge huge fear of not knowing what I'll do

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 19:08:11

Er, I won't troll hunt here and will try to take this at face value.

No one who comes on these boards having had an affair with a man married with children will get any sympathy, you included.

It's never a good idea really. You've made your bed, haven't you? Get on with it.

str8tothepoint Sat 02-Nov-13 19:09:54

I'm not looking for sympathy, just direction, a friend

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 19:10:39

Then I suggest you go elsewhere. I don't think you are going to find any friends on here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 19:12:45

What I'd say to anyone in your situation ie. freshly out of a traumatic break-up is to take some time to get to know and love yourself. Find out who you are and see yourself through your own eyes rather than always wanting to define yourself through the eyes of someone else. Approval-seeking is very limiting. Independence is a fantastic thing... embrace it.

This married man you were involved with has simply sold you the same lines they've been telling foolish women for centuries.. 'you are my soul mate'... 'my wife doesn't understand me'.... 'I'd leave her if it wasn't for the kids'.... etc. It's all bullshit and it's completely irrelevant that you're male. He used you and moved on. It's as old as the hills.

So be yourself. If you're not sure what that means, try everything and see what clicks. Don't be type-cast by something as simplistic as whether you're gay, straight or bi. I'm sure there's much more to you than who you sleep with. Find your purpose, like yourself more, up your standards, have fun with independence.... and learn from the experience rather than repeating the mistake.

str8tothepoint Sat 02-Nov-13 19:16:16

Thank you Cogito x

mammadiggingdeep Sat 02-Nov-13 19:17:49

A bit harsh maypole dancer!!!!!

He's not a troll, he's actually posted before.

You've got to let him go op. Please don't contact his wife, especially not out of spite.

Do you have somebody in rl to help you through this.

littlegem12 Sat 02-Nov-13 19:19:03

What Cogito said.

ScooseIsLoose Sat 02-Nov-13 19:19:28

Good advice from cogito as I said on your other thread don't contact this man there's no point and if you show his wife the 'evidence' you will just look like nasty and bitter. Walk away with your dignity, his wife will find out for herself in time just leave them to get on with their lives and you get on with yours.

Lweji Sat 02-Nov-13 19:20:03

I remember your previous thread and I posted on it.

You did well to walk away. It will be hard, but it will get easier over time. I don't think he really loved you. Man or woman, you were just a bit on the side and he was never prepared to be a real man and own up to the fact that he's not happy in his marriage.

It's up to you what to do with the info.
If I was the wife I'd want to know, but every woman is different, and it did sound like she might not want to.

The best thing for you, IMO, is to simply move on. You may need to let go of all the "evidence", so that you don't keep going back to it.
And I don't think you should feel that sorry for him. You were not his knight in shinning armour. sad

Take care.

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 19:22:24

Cogito shames me into being a bit more sympathetic; though OP, you have to be prepared for a flaming on here (been there myself and it's not nice). Might not be what you need if you are feeling sad.

I thought I knew or felt comfortable being a gay lad but really I'm not so sure anymore

If you've been involved with someone who is married and uncomfortable with being gay it can't be good for your own feelings about your sexuality. Maybe if you choose your next partner from men who are out and happy about it you won't get hurt as you have been, and you will feel more comfortable with yourself. Being someone's bit on the side isn't great for self esteem under any circumstances - it makes you a guilty secret.

I also dispute that you can 'know for sure' that this man hasn't 'messed about with lads' in the past. It's probably unlikely that's the case, this is another line from someone who is proven to be dishonest.

Try to move on from this and choose more shrewdly next time.

scaevola Sat 02-Nov-13 19:29:50

OP: you has posted about this many times before.

What is really going on? Because you have had much sympathetic advice here, plus some straight talking, yet you seem perpetually to have 'just broken up' with him. And you have a great deal of vitriol towards his spouse.

You really need to let all this go. This man is no good for you whatsoever, and hasn't been for months.

DziezkoDisco Sat 02-Nov-13 19:32:25

Well, tbh you are likely to get some flak. Getting involved with a married man is highly likely to result in unhappiness.

Blondeorbrunette Sat 02-Nov-13 19:33:02

You sound heartbroken and you say your in the verge if a nervous breakdown and don't want to be here anymore.

Do you have anyone in real life that you can reach out to?

It's sad but he has made his choice whatever the reasons behind it.

TheGinLushMinion Sat 02-Nov-13 20:31:32

I remember one of your previous threads.

Cog is spot on, take note of her post.

LovesBeingHereAgain Sat 02-Nov-13 21:25:39

I'm glad you've finally ended it you need to protect yourself.

It will be hard but please be strong

tippytap Sat 02-Nov-13 21:30:28

Haven't you been breaking up with this man since May?

If this is for real, you need to let him go and maybe look into some therapy for your self esteem.

Scarletpink Sun 03-Nov-13 09:16:15

This is a long line of threads by OP and this situation. I seem to recall the wife does know already, and in the last thread, hasn't he given you an STD?
Take note of the wise words the other posters have said above.

str8tothepoint Sun 03-Nov-13 12:49:12

They aren't married he doesn't want the commitment. Yes I have been trying for a while to walk away was living in a bubble where you truly think that it's real but I have come to my senses. More so when you know your being used not in a sexual way but in a emotional way for him to know I'm still there for him. I don't feel sorry for him at all in fact I hate him and for his OH who called me a few weeks ago well she has the toughest task on her hand wondering if he's fucking another lad in the back of his car when really he should be in the gym or in work. Life goes on, thanks everyone

SunshineSuperNova Sun 03-Nov-13 12:53:46

I remember your previous threads. I think I told you then that you deserve better than a 'married' man. I agree with advice to look after yourself and think about who you are and what you want to do.


str8tothepoint Fri 29-Nov-13 13:55:58

Sorry to be back but I'm lost. I want to tell her everything, it seems that he has told her I chased him. Last week my friends in work looked at her facebook told me things I guessed was happening but chose to not get hurt by looking. I told him never to contact me again as he made me ashamed of who and what I am, I emailed her saying he chased me I didn't chase him, which I have all the evidence to prove this. 6 days later he rings me, we talk, he wants to meet up after his night shift which I agreed to. I want to get him gone for good and am not strong enough to stop getting manipulated into what he wants. A few of my female friends, married with kids, say that her knowing what she knows why she wants him? and if they were her she would want to know? Advise me to give him an ultimatum or just tell her everything. Thing is she doesn't see him as being the guy who won't leave him alone, she sees me as the enemy who won't back down and far from it. She emailed me saying to leave her family alone yet had no evidence we talk/have sex and I do not contact or know her family. I respond politely saying I want nothing to do with him so have a good life. He then yesterday had the cheek to ask me do him a favour and get rid of that account, stop emailing her then me and you can go back to the way it was when we first met. Total utter bullshit so now I am on destroy mode. Sorry if I'm crossing the line but dunno if I say something, tell him to tell her by a date or I will. Know what we do is wrong but no way am I having all the blame for his closet gay self. She rings me funny phone calls, emails me crap he says fuck all to her or even why shes still on that account.

SomethingkindaOod Fri 29-Nov-13 14:14:39

I remember your other thread on this but had no advice.
You need to get proactive in a positive way:
Change your phone number for a start, open a new email account and close off any way for him to get a hold of you. Block on FB, Twitter etc, close your accounts if you need to, at least in the short term.
Read other threads on here, most of what he has told you is no different to what he would have told another woman, the same old excuses and justifications and importantly what he has told her is what he would have said had you been female. You chased him, you're the bad guy.
Open your eyes and see him for what he really is, a twat who is playing with you. Do something about it, you can you know, you made the break - this is good, keep going. You'll get there.
And re read*Cog*'s posts.

SunshineSuperNova Fri 29-Nov-13 14:40:09

Hello love, I agree totally with something's advice above. Take care of yourself x

Lweji Fri 29-Nov-13 15:39:01

You need to walk away, cut ALL contact with him, or her.

You don't want to be anywhere near this man, it's not healthy for you.
And you must not put yourself between them. It's not important who chased who.

Email both to leave you alone or you'll report to the police for harassment.

maparole Fri 29-Nov-13 16:42:35

Listen: the guy is a lying, cheating scumbag who hasn't a care for anyone except himself. His wife doesn't want to admit he is a lying, cheating scumbag, so she is blaming you. He wants to justify his selfishness so he is blaming you.

It is not your fault you were naive enough to believe him at first, but it is your responsibility that you are continuing contact, continuing to allow him to hurt you and everyone around him.


Change your phone numbers, emails and any other contact details either of them have. Get yourself some therapy to deal with this massive resentment you are nursing, 'cos that will only destroy you. Live a full and happy life either independently or with someone who genuinely cares for you.

Good luck

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