Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

(538 Posts)
Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 17:50:28

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

GammonAndEgg Sat 06-Jun-15 09:03:13


WellWhoKnew Sat 06-Jun-15 01:44:08

flowers...I followed your thread. Then entered the same world of hell.

Pleased for you. You're lovely.

VanitasVanitatum Sat 06-Jun-15 01:15:27

Just caught up on your whole thread Alchemist and so nice to hear the happy ending, even if tinged with some sadness.

Alchemist Fri 05-Jun-15 20:09:32


Just another update, after a long time.

Doing really well. DC mostly ok, DDog is gorgeous and we now have chickens! Still with DGardener who has turned out to be a happy and involved part of our family. I have a new (very part-time) job which is working out well.

However, I still get the pangs of what if but I know I am a much happier person on the whole.

He's just someone I used to know.

Much love and gratitude for all the kindness x

Alchemist Wed 03-Dec-14 19:02:32

You have to laugh? Well this just made laugh.

I went to the kitchen to prepare a very large gin and tonic with ice and slices. Chopped the lemon and stabbed the knife into the washing up sponge and went through the bowl. I only bought it on Saturday [wails].

Blimey, a bit of self-pity and a little laugh. I think it's how we keep on going...

Alchemist Wed 03-Dec-14 18:51:37

I just can't help being a screaming harpy = I am playing into his hands. Told me he was going for residency today which gave me a turn. 10 minutes later I realised he was just being a twat.

Pathetically have spent most of the day in tears and have just screamed at him "I hope you fucking die alone you cunt". I hate myself. Was feeling ok, was doing fine bvjt am fucked up now. sorry for swearing so much.

WTF is this? i'm a mess.

Drumdrum60 Mon 24-Nov-14 23:17:34

Who you sound so lovely. Please start your own thread then people can help you. You are so giving.

Alchemist Mon 24-Nov-14 22:18:14

Thank you Flim, DD is now in a peer/support group at school and is enjoying being both peer and support - she is talking to me more. SHe really likes H's partner and feels very torn. I am just saying that dad's partner is nice and she wants to have a lovely time with them. Plus saying I want them to have a nice time when with H and his partner. I think this is the way to go atm. I am still astonished I don't feel any bad or particularly bitchy ways towards her. Suppose I am now old and wise grin.

It's my birthday and compared to last year, it has been so lovely smile. I don't have Big Dog but I do have my Darling Delilah. I don't have a horrible, painful (non) relationship, I have a Darling P. DC are challenging as usual, I love my challenging DC.

Just been out for dinner with DC, Darling BIL and DP and it was lovely. DC had ribs for the first time. DD's new white top is no more sad smile.

All-in-all a bloody good day.

Best wishes to all thanks.

Flimflammer Fri 21-Nov-14 22:24:51

Do they have the Place 2B at your daughters school? It seems that she is struggling and your ex is not doing anything to help her. Its a lot for you to deal with and she might need a bit more than you are able to give her . I don't mean it as a criticism of you at all, I think your transition has been amazing and you have coped brilliantly. My son has benefitted enormously from counselling he got through CAHMS. Just having somewhere to go where he could openly discuss exactly how he felt without consideration for anyone but himself helped both of us for him to get it all out and he was taught techniques to help him cope.

Alchemist Fri 21-Nov-14 19:06:07

My bush is very well maintained grin.

Alchemist Fri 21-Nov-14 19:03:16

Thank you for your replies thanks.

Off they've gone and I did do it with a smile (gritted).

DD said she likes the partner and feels guilty. I told her I wanted her to have a nice time with H and P and she should just enjoy her time in the place they go to.

Easier said than done I know.

I honestly don't know where this bitterness has come from. Must have been festering sad.

However, last week I had my hair cut short. I have had long hair most of my life and loved it but I am really loving this cut! I embrace a short-haired and hopefully less bitter life wine.


NamesNick Thu 20-Nov-14 13:45:02

and in relation to your latest post...

I would send dc, if they wanted to go. Is there a specific reason why you don't want them to go this weekend?

if it hurts dd so much to go then why not send ds on his own? perhaps if dd changes her mind then ex can come get her later.

NamesNick Thu 20-Nov-14 13:40:57

Alchemist. I woke at 4am this morning and had what I thought was going to be a quick gander at MN on my phone.

I started reading through your thread and it had me gripped. I can totally relate to everything you went through.
I was having a break from MN around the time of your original post so obviously didn't contribute then but I just want to say how amazing you are and that your dc are so lucky to have you.

loved the changes to the house..moving furniture etc, lived big dog (do you still see big dog) and so glad you have Hound too!

It's amazing where we take refuge isn't it? I can totally get how MN saw you through a dark time in your life and congratulate you on getting to where you are now.

I wish you and the dc (and of course new dp) the very best. you totally deserve it.

is he still trimming your bush grin

NeitherHereOrThere Thu 20-Nov-14 09:30:46

Yes you do need to allow the DC to have a relationship with their father. Let them go.

Alchemist Thu 20-Nov-14 00:05:40

Am just dripping with bitterness. DC with father this weekend and while I haven't wanted them to go, I have always tried to be open to his contact. However, this weekend I do not want them away.

I hate the fucker and I don't know where this has come from. I thought I was ok sad.

DD said she hates going there but she hates coming back. Obviously is, I hope, when there/here ok but her words just make me realise DD just hasn't spoken as much as DS.

So what do I do? Send the DC? Not send DC? I know what I want but DC to be ok. Get over myself or ??

BrowersBlues Sun 02-Nov-14 13:31:46

Alchemist, thank you for posting an update. It is amazing to read through a year of your life. You are a great example to anyone who has been left or who is strguggling to leave a dysfunctional relationship. It can and does very often get better. All the best for the next year and I hope your DC and doggie are doing well.

Dowser Sat 01-Nov-14 22:56:55

Haven't read the whole thread Alchemist but just first and last page.

Thrilled it's all come full circle.

I was in that awful place. I once read that for every year you were together you needed to allow yourself a month . Well it was almost that amount of time although the last months wre nowhere near as bad as the first ones .

Do you know, I'm just looking at my diamond engagement ring of two and a half years sparkling in the light. It looks really beautiful and is a loving symbol of just how beautiful my life is right now.

I hope that you too can look back at how beautiful your life has become.

Greta28 Sat 01-Nov-14 22:08:34

spopssas have you had some counselling? I have been terribly treated by partners before, and my father completely abandoned me when I was 3, but that didn't give me relationship issues. I mean, everyone is SO different! I couldn't be put off the whole of male sex

Spopssas Sat 01-Nov-14 17:10:23

I have never recovered from my Husband suddenly leaving. It's been several years now. I could never be with a man again. So glad that others have not been so scarred though. Well done to you all. smile

Greta28 Sat 01-Nov-14 15:58:54

Alchemist, I have just read the whole thread.
You have been fantastic and really inspirational, the way you handled situation and improved things VERY quickly - is just amazing.
If this ever happens to me (I'm a newlywedwink), I will always remember your great attitude, bravery and graciousness.
I hope you are truly happy now and your kids are recovered. Also, I now really want to get a dog..sad
Well done you thanks

MushroomSoup Sat 01-Nov-14 10:35:42

Lovely update!

Minime85 Sat 01-Nov-14 07:27:35


Alchemist Sat 01-Nov-14 07:13:02


What a year! So, was the anniversary of H and I splitting last n ight. I have been having a bit of a wobble as lots of anniversaries happened in October: his birthday, wedding anniversary and, of course, the split.

Had a party last night and an excellent time. My gorgeous niece sent be a beautiful bouquet of autumny colours with the message "Don't look back, only forward".

I did not believe life could go on this time last year. All the support and kindness I received here was amazing. And life does go on... DC, Dog, me, new DP and a new life.

Thank you. thanks

Alchemist Fri 11-Jul-14 18:20:57

Just a quick one to say Hello and grin.

Life going very well for us atm and hope it is for you too thanks

TalkingintheDark Thu 12-Jun-14 10:11:57

Oh how lovely! smile and of course thanks fabulous news!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now