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Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

(538 Posts)
Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 17:50:28

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 14:52:36

Sorry Alchemist, had to be away from the computer for a while. How are you? What's happening?

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:35:44

I just cnat manage. All those years just lies, none of it real. My poor babies, all just gone. I just hurt

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:43:29

Hey Alchemist. Talk to us. We are here

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:44:21

Are you alone (with kids) anyone you can call? Have you told any of your friends?

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:47:48

I don't know what to say, all over the place. Mind can't stay on one thing for more than a second. DCs being quiet and gentle with me but that is wrong. Thye need me to keep going.

H intends to see them on Wednesday for an hour. A fucking hour.

It can't have all been based on lies can it? I suppose it could. agony

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:49:02

No family left and have told a couple of friends but have been keeping indoors. Got to work on Tuesday. Got to.

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:53:13

H's family (MIL, SIL and BIL and his wife) live 2 miles down the road. Not a call, not about me but even to ask about the kids.

That's it. We're on our own.

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:58:06

I really feel for you, and to some extent empathise.
I recently found out my fiance was sexting another woman for months, also webcams and then found another woman who had had messages (extreme) and arrangements to meet for sex. I dont know if he did or not but I had to leave.
Its destroyed me so I know what you mean. Sadly I have to work with the wanker.
Anyway its so difficult without support. I have no family and just friends. Dont keep it to yourself. Tell someone.Go ttowork and if poss tell someone there.
I told my manager she was excellent.

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:59:56

I have a dd and ds. I do find it hard to keep it together but they are a great distraction.
You will come out the other side. But it doesnt feel like it yet I know.

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 17:04:06

of course it's not wrong that they're being gentle with you - do you want your children to be caring, empathetic creatures capable of taking care of their 'team' in the face of adversity? nothing wrong with it. you are not letting them down.

you can't protect them from the reality of what he is. he has abandoned them - dress it up however but that's the reality of the current dynamic. they need you to be THERE. if you being there means you being fragile, off par, hurt, confused then you're still there. if you decide they're not allowed to see you being human then they'll experience that as you abandoning them as well and be truly terrified.

seeing mummy is hurt but still loves us, still cares for us, is sticking around and not turning into a zombie robot whose scaring us by pretending stuff is a hell of a lot safer than the alternative. yes be strong when you can, yes still hold it together but NO don't think you've got to hide all traces of the fucking the disaster that has hit you. they know it's a disaster - they know the shit has hit the fan - you pretending otherwise will just confuse and scare them.

yes the shit has hit the fan, yes i'm upset and so are you but YES we will also be ok and get through this. and you WILL!

ThePinkOcelot Sun 03-Nov-13 17:06:34

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Its crap and you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But, believe me, you will feel better, you will cope, you will!!
It really amazes me how some men can go from being a dad living with his kids to just wanting to see them for an hour! Bastard!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 17:07:50

It wasn't all based on lies. It's ended badly, you're very upset and his behaviour has been appalling but that doesn't mean the rest of it didn't have anything positive going on.

When someone decides they want out of a marriage, it doesn't happen overnight. They usually work up to it gradually, rationalising their decision to their own satisfaction. There's no good way to end a relationship but, if they are a kind and decent person, they will try to avoid making it worse than it has to be. He has chosen, for reasons best known to himself, to rationalise that 'he hates you'... which is adding insult to injury. Still doesn't mean the rest was a lie.

Is Wednesday convenient for you? If not, set the agenda. It's going to be incredibly upsetting to see him again so try to limit the contact to the bare minimum. Make sure he takes your DSs out of the house rather than thinking he can swan in and play Happy Families. Start as you mean to go on... it's important for your self-respect.

ILs are in a tough position. All the information they're getting is from him, you don't know what he's told them, and they may be worried that calling you will make things worse. If you get along with any of them better than others, it might be an idea to make the first move.

Do try to get out and about, even if you don't feel especially sociable. Some fresh air, a trip to the supermarket or whatever is better than being cooped up at home with your thoughts. Work on Tuesday is good as well. Confide in someone there that you're having a rough time... then they can cut you some slack. If you're really struggling, do consider seeing your GP.

Good luck

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 17:08:49

honestly - it's OK to go through this together. i'm a single parent btw so maybe coming at it from a different angle. i can tell you from my own childhood experiences that being shut out, feeling concealed from, hidden from, lied to - whatever is scarier than mummy being sad. honestly.

when people say kids are resilient i think that means resilient to the truth and reality and the tumble world it can be it doesn't mean resilient to lies, being shut out, being stonewalled or denied to. i'm not saying tell them hideous truths but LET them be part of this - let them feel what they feel and see you feel too. they will know if you're hiding from them. kids can withstand painful awful things - they can't withstand all adults going awol on them. better a sad mummy whose staying close than a tight lipped look how together i am mummy who they don't recognise and can't trust x

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 17:28:05

I think it's a good idea to give yourself until Tuesday to be hurt and to hide away.

I don't think you should look back on your relationship as all lies and deceit. I suspect that at it was a good, strong, loving relationship and you have no need to doubt your feelings or perceptions at that time.

What do you need tonight?

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 17:29:36

(Numpty, I'd leave that thought with the OP for a bit rather than repeating it until she's ready to ask you a bit more about it).

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 21:37:20

Just to be heard and read your words Is helping right now. We've had a good cry tonight (me and dcs). They are in my bed and waiting for me to go up too.

I am so grateful for your messages and kindness. This is such a dark and lonely place now.

carlywurly Sun 03-Nov-13 21:51:03

Oh you poor thing. Hugs to you. You will get through this. I did and life is a lot better now.

There is no worse feeling at the time though, the utter gut wrenching hopeless feelings really will pass in time. You'll be in shock for a little while though. Lean on any friends you can and keep posting.

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 22:04:28

So sorry op :-(
Its so painful

Stupidhead Sun 03-Nov-13 22:17:39

Don't worry how you'll cope. You start minute by minute then Hour by hour then day by day. If you have no one to talk to when you wake (and I was awake a lot) call the Samaritans just to hear another voice. Buy ready food and yogurts. Eat. Remove everything of his. Either boxed away, dumped at his or binned. Small things like his socks or toothbrush, spend a day removing it all - it's sad but it makes your life easier. Rearrange the furniture, box up stuff you bought together, bin his mugs, rip up the calendar with his reminders on. Seriously. Buy new bedding and towels. Cheap enough and wilkos do 100% cotton.
Read ^ click on picture links.

All this doesn't quick fix but helps you cope x

Mymumsfurcoat Sun 03-Nov-13 22:33:58

You poor thing. You have your DCs, and you are the world to them. He is wrong and he is foolish. Hold on. I know it's hard when you have no one left, but I do think of how they would have reacted and how I would if they were still here. Listen for their voices in your head. You know.

saulaboutme Sun 03-Nov-13 23:29:50

So sorry op what an awful thing to deal with.
Sending you strength and big hugs.

NumptyNameChange Mon 04-Nov-13 03:09:57

hope you get some sleep tonight OP. i'm so sorry he's done this to you.

Alchemist Mon 04-Nov-13 05:50:30

I am dreading the school run but am up and going to shower and try to pull myself together for that. Do I inform the school today? Don't think I can do it without weeping.

I don't want to see anyone but will have to but most of all I don't want the DCs away from me. I will take them though.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 04-Nov-13 06:05:38

Don't inform the school today if you don't feel like it, just get through the school run and dropping your DC off. It's good for them, this is normal and anything that brings normality and routine helps them. Stand tall and grit your teeth at school, try and do a couple of jobs today to keep you occupied (if you can) and the DC will be home before you know it.

So sorry this has happened to you, tiny steps, one day at a time.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 04-Nov-13 06:09:46

Actually thinking about it, it may help if you could forewarn school, do you think you can? I'm only worried in case one of them has an unhappy moment at school and finds they need some loving.


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