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Would you admit to an early indiscretion?

(88 Posts)
Schoolnight Sat 02-Nov-13 14:48:54

I started dating a man about six months ago. It was nice, we laughed, had things in common, he's very warm and made me feel good. But I never had that moment of thinking he was someone I really wanted to be with and he lacks a couple of points I'd always considered essential in a partner. So when someone else asked me out I started seeing them too.

Things have progressed with my boyfriend but the second man was always more of a bit on the side. The issue is we slept together a few times, mainly before me and my boyfriend were "exclusive" but once afterwards. The issue is now I realise my friends were right and my boyfriend was "a grower". I'm still not sure we'll end up happily ever after etc, but I love him and want to allow myself to see what happens.

But he knows nothing of this other man and thinks I was totally single from day one. Part of me thinks this is fine and often happens but I'm aware that he doesn't have the full picture so is basing his feelings on an inaccurate picture of me.

Should I tell him so he can make an informed decision, or keep quiet and see it as all water under the bridge which won't happen again?

HogFucker Mon 04-Nov-13 01:39:23

Just tell her.

wouldbemedic Sun 03-Nov-13 23:51:05

I'd tell him because what do you have if you don't have trust? How likely he is to find out is irrelevant. I personally couldn't be with someone knowing they might dump me if they found something out about me. That's ...cheapening love. And if someone did that to me, reasoning that they'd only hurt me by telling me, I'd find it incredibly patronising and self-serving. He has a right to know and make his own choice. But I don't think he's going to.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 03-Nov-13 17:19:24

I see a world of difference between someone who has agreed 'exclusivity' going out, meeting someone new, having sex with them; and someone (as here) who had an 'ending' and a 'starting' relationship which overlapped to the tune of one last shag while the 'exclusive' relationship was growing. She's now made her choice; her current relationship isn't threatened as it would be if she were still out on the pull, and isn't that what's important, when all's said & done? We all have a past...

toffeesponge Sun 03-Nov-13 16:47:49

You are finding it really easy to keep a secret from someone you say you love. Be honest about how you would feel if he did the same and told you 2 years down the line? Really feel okay because you did the same or telling yourself that as it gets you off the hook?

So many people cheating and not being open at the beginning of relationships when surely you are all loved up?

4x4 Sun 03-Nov-13 16:44:40

In my book not married = single . No oaths were taken and no rules broken but keep it to yourself to preserve your dignity .

peggyundercrackers Sun 03-Nov-13 16:40:42

I would tell him. turn the tables for a minute though - how would you feel is he was shagging around behind your back when you were meant to be exclusive?

Fairenuff Sun 03-Nov-13 16:34:45

Yes I know I cheated, I don't need sodding hynosis or something to work this out. I cheated, it feels like there is nothing to gain in telling him, It's not eating away at me, therefore I'm keeping schtum.

I think the OP is clear now about what happened and is happy to call it what it was. She's made her decision and she's left the thread.

As I said, dumping her guilt here is the easiest way for her to handle this. She obviously didn't want any actual advice. We have all served our purpose and she can move on. Job done.

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 16:29:43

I'm not going to waste my time engaging in this other than to say
IMO she didn't 'cheat'. That in my opinion is a term reserved for a long term exclusive relationship. Not one which was in its infancy and it happened within the first few weeks. And even if it was 'cheating' in some people's eyes there is nothing to be gained by talking about it now.That's all I have to say on the matter.

Fairenuff Sun 03-Nov-13 16:26:09

Out of interest Loopy, who has hurled insults?

Are you seriously saying cheating doesn't count if you only do it once? I'm afraid there are many people who would disagree with that.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 16:24:51

Well lots of people don't want to stay in relationships with people who only cheated on them once.

But this poor fucker isn't going to get the chance to make that decision.

Because he'll do for the moment.

Unless a richer man who's good at sex comes along.

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 16:23:17

There was one incident after she promised exclusivity ,which she now says was something she agreed to but wasn't completely sure about.

On the Richter scale of infidelity and cheating this doesn't even register.

I seriously wonder what sort of lives people lead and what goes on in their heads if they think this is cheating and then hurl insults at the OP for something that is really nothing, in the grand scheme of relationships.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 16:23:13

"I mean it kindly ffs!!"

No you don't, you hypocrite. grin

Fairenuff Sun 03-Nov-13 16:16:45

You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment.

Loopy there was promise of commitment. And OP has already admitted she cheated.

OP as you are ok with this, I suggest the best course of action is to speak with your boyfriend and tell him that, having thought about it, you are not actually ready to be exclusive, so he should feel free to sleep with others and you will too if you want.

That way, even if you don't confess that you have already cheated, you will at least be honest with him about how your see your relationship.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 16:11:03

Point taken, sequins. But I haven't seen any 'fab advice'; I saw her hectoring an OP who was 7 months pregnant and had had a horrible time finding out her husband was camming. Insisting that he would continue to lie to her and couldn't be trusted when she was clearly trying to sort her marriage out. I don't think that is helpful or very kind.

It's not a question of disagreeing, the tone of these posts is bullying. Shouldn't everyone be on here in some sort of spirit of helpfulness?

Telling someone, persistently that they are a bad person is much nastier than telling someone they seem unhappy and ought to find a way out of it.

sparklysilversequins Sun 03-Nov-13 15:55:32

I've actually seen fab advice from just on the pushy get any old crappy job husband thread. I don't agree with her on here but it's really nasty to suggest someone needs counselling just because you don't agree with them.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 15:47:04

Blonde I mean it kindly ffs!! Unfair why?

Blondeorbrunette Sun 03-Nov-13 15:45:19

Maypole- that was so unfair.

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 15:44:50

She slept with the other boyfriend once- in the early days of the other relationship.

That's being a player?
You seriously need help if you think like that. Or go and live in the Middle East where your morals might fit better.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 15:40:16

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 15:21:42

"You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment."

There was a promise of exclusivity.

That she broke.

Because she was playing him at the time.

But now she's decided he might be good enough for her.

But not good enough to actually treat with any respect.

Just good enough to use for her own purposes.

Lucky, lucky guy.

queenbitchapparently Sun 03-Nov-13 14:56:26

Wow I obviously should not have posted my experience of the exact same thing and said what I thought the op should do....oh wait didn't the op ask for advice.
I don't give a crap who you shag or how you justify any behaviours to yourself.
I asked if you wanted to build a relationship on lies. It is not hyperbole it is a fair question imo.
He will probably find out sometine and then you will have to deal with that fall out.
If I had been told at the time I would have been able to say to sure we haven't been seeing each other long bla bla bla.
Finding out much later just after having a baby changed the while feel of it.
So sure I think you should tell him out of respect.
But if you don't want to fair do's
Hope it all goes ok.

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 14:40:38

There is no way you should have to apologise or admit anything to anyone. What happened was in the early weeks of a new relationship. You weren't married, engaged, living with this man. You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment.
Anyone who says you should tell is mixing up a whole load of morals and needs to get their heads sorted a bit.

Enjoy your new man and hope it all works out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 14:31:52

Go with a song in your heart and a spring in your step. thanks

Schoolnight Sun 03-Nov-13 14:30:19

Yes I think that's good advice. I've made up my mind so won't engage further. Anyone else is of course welcome to use this bandwith to discuss theoretically or vent about how their cheating partner hurt them.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 14:26:18

Schoolnight I would walk away from this thread if I were you. You sound like you have reconciled yourself to this issue and I think the way you analysed it was spot on.

Don't come on here and get upset. There are people who would like you burned at the stake for something that is nothing, really. You will face more insults. You don't have to try to justify yourself to other posters, you worked it out for yourself a while ago.

It doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers thinks of you or your life. smile

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