Premature ejaculation and no erection?

[Unsurehelpmeplease]

Hi name changed etc

I'm with a new partner, who is lovely, in his 40's. Been seeing each other for 3 months. Last night in bed, (we cuddle and kiss lots- no sex yet.) we decided to take things further, I went to hold him but there was nothing, no erection no nothing until he said 'x nothing's happening' to be honest I was gutted and embarrassed this has never happened before, apart from with him. When we're kissing he gets an erection.

He'd mentioned before that he suffers from premature ejaculation and always has, in previous relationships the women said it didn't matter?!but it matters to me, how do I help him? He said he went to see the GP recently who wasn't very helpful and mentioned relate, he's researched on the net and bought a self help book.

What do I do, I want to talk further to him, but does it just make the whole thing worse? Ie cause more embarrassment? I know this is TMI but he's not very big- say 4" when fully erect. Not had sex for 3 years previously.



Any suggestions?

[scaevola]

He needs to go back and see a different GP.

And you need to realise that penile size and erectile performance are utterly unrelated.

[sonu678]

i think that if he has been to the gp, as opposed to just saying that he has, then he knows its a bigger problem than he is letting on. Are you sure he has had an erection when you are kissing?
If he is in his 40's then this is no doubt quite a huge problem for him, much more than it is for you. I would suggest beingunderstanding etc if you want the relationship to continue, or even if you just want to be a good person. He should probably go back to the dr imo.

[Unsurehelpmeplease]

Thanks guys. I did mention going to see another gp, but his practice is small and they have a locum male gp at the moment, he doesn't want to see a female one.
I know about the size, it what you do with it that counts....

[Unsurehelpmeplease]

Sonu

Yes he has had an erection when we kiss, because I went to hold him once etc and he ejaculated within a minute, he was so embarrassed at the time, I think he still is. It's frightened me a little, if that makes sense.

[arsenaltilidie]

Is it really worth it?

[Unsurehelpmeplease]

I think he's worth it- I've only known him a short while but still, I know it's a deal breaker for a,lot of people, maybe I want to help him- might make things better?

[Loopyloulu]

He needs to go and see his dr, have a full medical check up and perhaps have some psycho sexual counselling. Sounds as if he has lost all his confidence.

Has he been avoiding sex? 3 months into a new relationship but only cuddles? Any idea why?

[Val007]

Run like the wind.

NOW.

Or waste a couple of years of your life, take a huge knock on your self esteem and then run like the wind. Your choice.

However, choice number 2 guarantees you a sexless life where you will cry youself to sleep 95% of the time.

Is this what you're after?

[Loopyloulu]

Val- would you always tell a woman to opt out of a relationship if the other person had physical or emotional problems? Just during the dating phase or maybe when they were committed as well?

[Unsurehelpmeplease]

Val

He has booked a session with a relate sex therapist we will see how it goes.....

[Back2Two]

I think your attitude that you want to "help him" is not a great one.
It's a strange dynamic for a new relationship....you feel there is a challenge there and YOU are the one who'll change his life.


But No, it is his problem and it will be your problem if you stay in the relationship. He needs to address this issue outside of a relationship not whilst one is trying to form.

[SoonToBeSix]

Val how superficial and unkind

[Chuckthefucklebrothers]

Call me heartless, but I'm inclined to agree with Val - unless you're really not bothered about sex, set him loose. Better now than later.

[MiniTheMinx]

I'm sure he is a lovely man, would make a great friend. Three months, no sex, small, no erection premature ejaculation...I'm not certain that I would waste another three months. I agree with Val.

[whoselifeisitanyway]

He says he has always had this problem. And he still hasn't sorted it. Why is it suddenly going to be different? He is not a young man. And I think size and performance are related because of self-esteem/hang-ups/sensitive ego.

[Unsurehelpmeplease]

The thing is

We get on really well, similar sense of humour, we find each other attractive, similar outlook on life etc.....

I know sex is an important part of a relationship, by helping/supporting him it will benefit me too won't it?

Am I approaching this wrongly?

[Longhairedcat]

I would say if you really like eachother and have all those things in common then stick with it. Seems like he is willing to get help from what you've said. I had a boyfriend with a similar issue but when I tried to broach the subject he upped and went home and the relationship seems to have disintegrated to an email relationship now. So well done to your boyfriend for facing up to it. Good luck

[Val007]

OP, trust me! Don't waste your time. Listen to him - he's told you the problem has always been there. The other women did't mind (don't think so!). But you do mind.

The thing is, even if you don't mind wasting a couple of years of your life, the emotional damage which you will suffer is unimaginable
. Look at you - you have already put upon your shoulders the task 'to fix him'. What if you can't? Imagine the blow to your self esteem. After being patient and understanding for about a year, you will start questioning if you are fanciable, being resentful, you might turn into a witch. Lack of sex (when you have a partner in your bed) can make you crazy.

Why put yourself through this? Is he the only man on this planet?

loopy, why are you asking this? I am replying to OP's very concrete and specific scenario. Not sure why you would project hypothetical scenarios on this thread. Maybe start your own thread and I'll give you advice what to do about your long term partner not sleeping with you for whatever reason.

[Val007]

OP but you can't help him, that's the thing!!! You can't. Please, help yourself!!!

[Darkesteyes]

I too am suss about him saying that his previous partners said it didnt matter.
a. i dont believe it.
b. Its like hes saying..... It didnt matter to my exes so why should it matter to you.

He needs to help himself and the fact that he hasnt bothered to do so previously says that his partners potential pleasure isnt high on his list of priorities.

[delilah89]

Hi - speaking from experience I would end it. He's not going to turn into a magical prince one day with the right help from you/drs.

I agree with Val - please end it and move on.

[delilah89]

I meant magical sex prince

[LividofLondon]

I'm afraid, having played the martyr to some men in the past I would not stick with someone with issues so early on these days. You most likely will not be able to help him Unsure. He is not a youngster who is learning the ropes, he's in his 40s; he's had plenty of time to fix his problems but he hasn't. And to say his exes didn't mind I think is bollocks (unless they weren't that interested in sex) and is subtly telling you that it shouldn't bother you either, inferring that is it does then it's you who has a problem. You hardly know the man and already there are problems that for many would be a deal breaker; it shouldn't be hard (excuse the pun) to have a normal sexual relationship if you want one. Totally different if you were already in an established relationship and one of you developed a problem obviously.