DP and I had a contraceptive failure. I was at the end of my cycle and the condom split but because of my age I decided there was little chance I would get pregnant, but I am.
At the time of the 'accident' we discussed taking the MAP, we both thought there was little possibility of conception but when I asked DP what he would do if I did get PG he said he would be supportive. So on Monday I tested + after feeling 'off' for a few days and told him that the test was +. Between then and yesterday he called me (we live 40 miles or so apart and he was working and my kids are off school for half term so we could not see each other) and he asked me if I had stopped drinking and smoking and was eating right etc etc (I rarely drink and am an occasional social smoker) which led me to believe he was concerned about the baby's welfare.
Yesterday he came around and when the kids were in bed he dropped the bombshell that he wants me to have a termination. He has said that we had not been getting on great for a while which is true to an extent; we lived together but it was stressful as I am doing a course and have young children and he works in another city. He said he has lots on his plate; he has a big tax bill to pay and some other minor financial commitments. He said he is not ready for a baby now; he said before that he wanted us to be together and eventually have a child together (he has no children) but not at the moment.
I, meanwhile, am absolutely devastated. The timing is not perfect but the problems he has mentioned are not insurmountable in my book and if we don't have this baby now then when will we? He said maybe next year when I have finished my course and if we are getting a long better. I feel sick at the thought of terminating this pregnancy to then try for another baby in a years time.
I am not anti-abortion but I am the sort of person that if there is a problem I will try to find solutions and so, while I appreciate his perspective, it feels very much to me that his issues are a knee jerk reaction to this unexpected news and that he has told me what he has thought I wanted to hear for the past 3.5 years and that our relatioship has been built on untruths.
I have made an appointment to have counselling with Marie Stopes and a pre-assessment appointment next week but I just feel sick at the thought of agreeing to take tablets to abort a baby I very much want. That being said, I cannot do this on my own. I just can't. I married an alcoholic who was abusive and to all intents and purposes have brought up 3 kids on my own. From a selfish point of view, I want to be happy and find a life partner (I thought I had) and I cannot see how that would be possible if I have this baby. Even thinking that makes me very uncomfortable as it sounds like I want to end a life for my own selfish reasons.
Equally, I do not want to manipulate my DP into supporting me and fathering a child he does not want. I want him to want me, my kids and this baby. I know I will never forgive him if he does not change his mind though. It is just a lose:lose situation.
I am sorry this is so long but I really would appreciate the perspective of others as I can't seem to rationally think about this without sobbing. Another point to make is that I have terminated a pregnancy because of abnormality and I have moments where I struggle with that decision 17 years after the event.
Thank you for reading.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Need some sage advice.
HeartVHead · 01/11/2013 19:39
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