Any advice on how to claim back 'me'?

[RollerCola]

H & I separated in July after 23 yrs together, I'd been with him since I was 15. While the first half of our marriage was wonderful, the second half became gradually worse & worse until I've been left feeling like a shell of my former self.

It's only now he's gone that I'm starting to realise how much of the 'old me' has been hidden by the stress of my marriage. It's making me very angry tbh .

Now the fog has lifted I've come to think that it's really damaged me & I'm desperately hoping it's only temporary & I can find 'me' again. My confidence is shot to pieces. I cannot accept any kind of compliments at all because I can't quite believe that anyone could be so nice about me. Simple acts of kindness (and there have been a lot) throw me. People's offers of help turn me into a quivering mess because I feel like I don't deserve them. I've always done everything myself with no help so why can't I just be grateful?

I think my marriage has made me like this. There were no kind words or compliments, no closeness, no hugs etc for many years. I've learnt to manage without them.

I'm rambling a bit but how do I let people back in and become that happy, fun-loving person I used to be? I feel like I've built up an iron wall around me that I can't let down.

Can I be me again?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Start with yourself and give yourself permission to do whatever the hell you please. Find even small things that your ex would have disapproved of and go out and do them. Discover spontaneity... if you wake in the morning and fancy a drive to the coast or a flight to Istanbul, just do it. Watch 'Shirley Valentine'... get some inspiration. Little things like this help your confidence.

Next is the psychology. And I say 'next' because I think thoughts follow actions. Act confident and you'll catch up. Wait to feel confident and you don't do anything. This is actually an opportunity to be the person you always wanted to be... a Dr Who style regeneration! ... rather than just the person you used to be. Counselling could potentially help you here

Good luck

[BettySwalloxs]

Making a decision that is solely yours and without interference or judgement may help with your confidence.
Choosing a new paint colour for your house (if you have your own place now) will be a small step in boosting your confidence. Also, ask a friend over for a meal and a vino to bring in 'normal' things again to your new life.

Perhaps buy something inexpensive just for you without perhaps feeling 'what will dh think?' These things will bring back a sense of control to your life.

[Handywoman]

Left my H in June this year. I started with meditation, just 'noticing' things, feelings, not trying to 'fix' anything consciously. I've been showing people my vulnerable side which is making an enormous difference and deepening many friendships, making me feel more 'connected' to my world rather than working on autopilot and pushing my feelings away. Believe me this gets easier surprisingly quickly! I have now lost count of the many many things I now enjoy that I couldn't before, such as wandering around my house naked(!) which he normally used to try and 'forbid' saying I was 'giving the neighbours a thrill' knob. Already I feel more alive and want to go and look in shops etc. just out of interest whereas I never had that kind of curiosity before. I have also signed up for low-cost counselling. Looking forward to reflecting with a therapist and getting some emotional boundaries in place. I am sure counselling would work very well for you.

[RollerCola]

Thank you, spontaneity is quite a big one and one I notice the most. Just thinking 'I think we'll just...' The kids are benefitting from that.

Yes I'd also like to change something in the house. I'm lucky enough to be able to stay in the house with the children but it still feels like 'our' house rather than mine. Painting walls or just moving furniture would help.

As weird as it sounds I've started making proper eye contact with people and taking time to say hello & chat to those I know. Although people don't want to pry it's clear that many are looking out for me - even neighbours that I barely know are offering kind words. I need to acknowledge this rather than shying away.

I do feel like the confidence is starting to creep back. I'm just so angry that I've become like this..I will never let anyone affect me like this again

[BettySwalloxs]

well done, roller. You sound more positive and hopeful already!

[triathlonmum]

Yes well done Roller, you sound like you are doing really well

[RollerCola]

Thanks, I'm truly shocked at how much my confidence has been destroyed. I've done a grand coverup job too, so no one really had any idea what was going on. Their shock has really thrown me too, because although I've got my own head around it it's hard breaking it to others & seeing them upset.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Once it's out there, it's out there and the shock will die down. Be careful what and who you tell, however. Getting assistance and support is good but you don't want to be the subject of too much gossip as it can come back to bite you.

[RollerCola]

Oh god yes, being the centre of gossip is my worst nightmare - that made it hard telling people as well. I try to tell myself that people will just think 'oh that's a shame about Roller & her h' and move on but I suspect the reality is more gossiping than that.

[RollerCola]

Can anyone suggest any kind of online therapy for this? I can't really afford to see an actual therapist but wondered if there's anything online I can access.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a judgement call... Bare bones of the situation to get the help you need but not so much detail that you might reveal something you later regret. I certainly 'over-shared' at one point in my life and there are a few people I've avoided as a result since. :)

So, in the spirit of spontaneity, what's on the cards this weekend? I'm planting daffodils!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have you asked your GP about therapy? The NHS is a bit limited but there is some help available. Could give you a foundation.

[RollerCola]

Well the children stay at their dads tonight & will be there most of the day tomorrow so I'm going off on a trip to the city I shall mostly be pottering about the shops, drinking coffee, meandering about..can't wait!

I must say, I thought being without the kids would be difficult but it's actually very nice to have some time to myself once a week. Not had that for 11yrs!

[Handywoman]

exactly, Roller, my STBXH took kids away for two weeks in the summer. I filled my time sorting out the house, drinking with friends, more drinking with friends, meditating, working, running. It was pure bliss! So nice to enjoy the small things in life, have a fab potter round town Roller.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Another idea for affordable counselling, have you looked at the Freedom Programme?

[RollerCola]

I've heard of the freedom programme, not sure what it is but I'll look it up.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a programme for the survivors of domestic abuse and there is an online version.

[alacarte]

roller contact your local children's centre, they'll be able to direct you to a local Freedom programme provider. It's worthwhile.

[RollerCola]

Thanks, I will look at that. Do you have to be an actual abuse victim though? He was never physically violent.

[RollerCola]

I mean a 'physical' abuse victim.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not at all. Domestic abuse takes many forms, most of them not physical, and the survivors of it are all entitled to help and support. Psychological bullying can have very long-reaching consequences that ruin lives. The Freedom Programme covers all kinds of abuse.