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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP told me to self harm after nasty argument

78 replies

Whiterageofdespair · 31/10/2013 01:02

Posted about this before and things were slinky more tolerable as he has been a bit nicer recently BUT we are in reality living separate lives and I'm pregnant and have small DCs having given up my job to look after them. I have no income and no independence. 'D'P has never been supportive, I think he is probably having an affair judging by his nasty malicious behaviour and emotional detachment and the final straw tonight was him telling me to and oh why don't you go and cut your arm. I've done it only very recently and found the whole thing terrifying. He creates severe anxiety and insecurity and then plays on this. I come second to his work and he spends most of his time at home on social network sites these days adding 'random people' for 'work'. Anyway that's a side issue.
He was going to leave a few weeks back but wormed his way back in has been disgusting towards me and my DD and told me he is sick of both of us and wants nothing to do with us and doesn't want to be here. I said fine leave you were supposed to leave a few weeks ago but he has no money so can't leave. Sorry this is so disjointed but I'm a bit of a mess and really need some support to get through this. I can't believe anyone would use something like that against another person, I just can't. He has form for nastiness so I guess I should be that surprised. If he is having some kind of affair and everything points to it although he says based on what evidence as he has done nothing to suggest it then why doesn't he just go, I don't understand any of this, all it know is I can't take it anymore but don't have the energy to do anything about any of it anymore. He is happily snoring away on the sofa which is where he sleeps while I'm once again in my room devastated. It's hell on earth and I was hoping someone could offer coping strategies to deal with something like this as I feel so very alone.

OP posts:

Report

DifferenceEngine · 31/10/2013 01:12

Can't offer coping strategies beyond LTB and you will feel a whole lot better.

Sorry to hear things are shit for you at the moment.
I hope someone can offer more wisdom than me. Sorry, rambling now, I'm aware I aren't making much sense, I'm ill with a bug and just got up for some water. ..

Stay on mn though, there is an international night shift in force to nurse you through the small hours.

thistlelicker · 31/10/2013 01:13

Didn't want to read and run. Sorry it's
Crap for u. I know somebody will be along to help u with the practicalities

myroomisatip · 31/10/2013 06:48

I think you need to end this relationship. If you are in such a bad place that you are self harming, you need support. Go and see your GP, get counselling, get onto the CAB and Womens Aid.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 06:54

I agree with the PP. You need real life support to get rid of this abusive man and urgently. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247, your GP, or consider the police 101 number if he won't leave your home voluntarily. All the time he is under the same roof, you will find it impossible to cope.

He's nasty, having an affair, insulting and abusive. Self-harm shouldn't be on your radar. Anyone that can bring you so low that self-harm is a reality should not be within 10 miles of you.

LineRunner · 31/10/2013 06:58

Hi, OP. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I would second ringing Women's Aid for advice and support.

JennyOnAPlate · 31/10/2013 07:08

How are you this morning op? As well as womens aid I would suggest calling the non-emergency police number. This man is abusive.

joblot · 31/10/2013 07:11

Have you anyone in real life to talk to? Your life sounds utterly awful with this person. Time to start planning your new life.

Whiterageofdespair · 31/10/2013 07:56

He claims he's not having an affair but his bahri our suggests otherwise. How would I know? I never thought him the type of man.

No friends, no RL support. He mocks the fact I've self harmed. Spoken to GP and counsellor,not helped, he gets worse and worse.

I've no one and no prospects. He carries on like he is so hard done by. I've been told to LTB but can't.

OP posts:

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 08:02

Can't? Why not?

Whiterageofdespair · 31/10/2013 08:04

I hope it will get better it won't though , will it. Also I have no hope of ever meeting anyone else. Children are my priority but I desperately want a family.

OP posts:

Whiterageofdespair · 31/10/2013 08:04

Bahri? Is that word? Behaviour.

OP posts:

TheBakeryQueen · 31/10/2013 08:05

The most important thing right now (and always) is the welfare of you, your unborn baby & your daughter.

Please don't try & understand your 'partner'. That way lies madness. You won't be able to understand him because you are a nice person. He is a nasty, cruel abuser.

As a mum you owe it to your children to show them that a woman deserves to be treated with respect. By putting up with his crap you are teaching your daughter that this is ok. It's not ok.

Whether he is having an affair is irrelevant. If he goes to another woman then good riddance!

He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better. That's all that matters.

Please find the strength to throw him out. You feel weak because he has ground you down. I promise, if you get him out of your life, you will start to feel happier again. You & your children can be happy. You don't need him.

Keep posting on here for support.

There is a brilliant book by Lundy Bancroft called 'why does he do that?' (Hope I've got that right). It's amazing.

Whiterageofdespair · 31/10/2013 08:09

He won't go. I have called the police before and they were told I was being hysterical as there was no physical violence I was made to feel like I was being completely crazy.

OP posts:

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 08:13

You're hanging on because he's smashed your confidence. Truth is that you don't need to meet someone else to be worthwhile - you're a valuable person in your own right. You and your children would be a perfectly good family in your own right. There's no law says there has to be a dominating male in a family. If you have no friends it's probably because he takes up too much of your time. The depression you're experiencing is probably related to the stress. As for 'prospects'... once you get rid of the millstone that's weighing you down and once you get your confidence back, you'll probably find you're quite resourceful.

Do get some RL support. If not from friends from outside agencies like Womens Aid. There is a better life. Good luck

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 08:14

Call the police again on 101 rather than 999. Ask for their DV unit and explain your situation.

TheBakeryQueen · 31/10/2013 08:17

Are you renting together? Mortgage? I'd be inclined to change the locks when he goes out & leave his things outside. Then phone police if he gets in any way threatening.

Where are your family? Will they help? Obviously you need to make sure that you are safe.

FarOverTheRainbow · 31/10/2013 08:19

Sorry I have no advice but want to handhold!

This is a brilliant website and some very wise people who hopefully will be along to her you soon xx

RandomMess · 31/10/2013 08:22

If you are in the UK then you can leave, phone womans aid and they will provide you with somewhere to stay whilst things get sorted out.

killpeppa · 31/10/2013 08:26

call women's aid.
I know it seems so so scary! but they are the most lovely people.
I called yesterday as I have an EA/FA husband & it was do good to get it all off my chest!

be strong
you don't need him, he isn't adding anything to you, he's taking the 'you' away.
you, your dd and your baby deserve more than this man

AnySpookyWolfyFucker · 31/10/2013 08:36

Can you speak to Women's Aid and tell them what you've told us?

They understand that someone doesn't have to hit you to be controlling and nasty.

What are the reasons that you think you can't leave him? There are usually solutions to practical or legal problems. Women's Aid will help you to leave if you need help.

Can you speak to your midwife or health visitor about this? They could help you find locally based support. There are people who can help you work out what to do about housing and benefits, how to access legal advice if its required, how to arrange Child Support and contact arrangements.

Maybe it all seems overwhelming at the moment, but you can do it one step at a time.

Whocansay · 31/10/2013 08:37

If it's your house get the police to make him leave.

I know you want a family, but this is not a family, and is in no way a good environment for your dd.

As suggested above call Women's Aid and get some solid advice.

RandomMess · 31/10/2013 08:39

Also if it's your house wait until he goes out and get the locks changed. he is not your husband he has no rights over the home. If it's rented then just provide a set of keys to the landlord.

Whocansay · 31/10/2013 08:49

I would also add that whether or not he's having an affair is immaterial at this stage. He actively wishes you harm. Get rid for you own physical and emotional safety.

Whiterageofdespair · 31/10/2013 09:07

Re affair, who knows, I just have so many doubts, that's become te logical conclusion. He is withdrawn emotionally but still volatile. We both are it's been a horrible horrible few years and we are both so damaged by it. He says he hates me and doesn't want I be here but doesn't want to leave children so it's all so confusing. In lucid moments there are glimpses if hope but do much had been said and done I don't see a way back. I keep saying to myself if we can just get past this bit we can all go back to normal whatever that is. We are waiting for counselling but in the meantime it's like a kids playground with the mudslinging and point scoring.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 31/10/2013 09:09

This is not a healthy environment for children. If he leaves the home, you can have space and still have counselling. And its gets rid of the horrible atmosphere.

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