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Do I leave my ill wife?

(970 Posts)
cricketnut77 Wed 30-Oct-13 12:13:01

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.
I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..
Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.
She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.
Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Tommy Wed 30-Oct-13 12:14:35

she is your wife?
did you promise to stay with her "in sickness and health"?

Reality Wed 30-Oct-13 12:17:11

Gosh. I have sympathy and everything, but your post makes you sound like an absolute arsehole.


LifeofPo Wed 30-Oct-13 12:17:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeofPo Wed 30-Oct-13 12:18:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 12:18:22

That bit in the marriage service about 'in sickness and in health'.... this is what it means. You need to talk to her again. She's been through the mill, it's not exactly something she had any control over and you need to explain that you miss her affection etc, it's making you unhappy and starting to question the whole relationship. You never know, she might feel exactly the same way. Important to be honest without being cruel... and btw, threatening to take away DS would be very cruel so don't even go there.

eurochick Wed 30-Oct-13 12:18:53

Yes, you are right. That does make you sound very selfish. hmm

coppertop Wed 30-Oct-13 12:19:03

She's lost almost a third of her body weight, had a transplant, and you're complaining that she doesn't have any energy and doesn't want sex?

Are you planning to take your ds with you?

coppertop Wed 30-Oct-13 12:20:12

Missed the bit about taking your ds.

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 12:20:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 12:20:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop Wed 30-Oct-13 12:21:32

As the kidney problem is hereditary, have you considered what you will do if your ds has similar problems?

toffeesponge Wed 30-Oct-13 12:21:37

I feel really sorry for you, your son and your wife. You have all been through so much and was probably terrified she would die.

You need an honest conversation with her. Ask her if she would feel happier stating that as far as she wants your physical relationship is over - no pressure then - or whether she would like help in getting back to having sex.

She has the right to say no as many times as she wants but she might also be feeling sad you haven't done anything for over a year or she might be scared it would hurt or not be as good.

It is all about communicating and being honest.

It is in sickness and in health but you need to talk to her to see how she feels as you might be throwing your marriage away when she wants the same things.

If she does say she doesn't think she will ever want sex again then ask her if she wants help to try or whether she wants to finish that part of her life.

Do not have an affair. It is never a good idea and would be incredibly cruel to your wife when you haven't even had a proper conversation.

Abitannoyedatthis Wed 30-Oct-13 12:23:34

Have you tried talking things through with your GP? If it is not normal perhaps she needs more investigations?

If she is no longer affectionate let alone sex perhaps it is time to think about marriage counselling (relate?) to see if the marriage can be saved.

To just walk out and remove your son as well is very cruel.

Methe Wed 30-Oct-13 12:23:40

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 12:25:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drwitch Wed 30-Oct-13 12:25:49

I think this is probably a reverse IABU if you are the wife OP then please talk to your husband because my guess is that he really does not feel this way

Methe Wed 30-Oct-13 12:28:09

Oh report all you like hmm

JuliaScurr Wed 30-Oct-13 12:28:27

your wife should be entitled to help from social services. Phone the council

You might get some support as a carer. My partner does.
Mind you, he does actually care. Unlike you.
Pull yourself together. You are acting like an arse.

BurberryFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 12:28:42

oh yes off you go and take the child with you.
God I could so easily become a man-hater.
you got married in a church did you?
and do you remember promising to care for each other 'in sickness and in health' or were you too busy playing pocket billiards?

Badvoc Wed 30-Oct-13 12:29:29

She is one unlucky woman isn't she?
A husband and son who would both abandon her when she is so ill.
Agree with methe btw.
I would imagine she knows exactly how you think of her which is not conducive to romance is it?

Thistledew Wed 30-Oct-13 12:29:36

You say you feel that you are trapped in a loveless marriage, but the only thing you have described is a sexless marriage. You seem to be conflating the two.

You also say that you think your son resents your wife for not being able to do much with him, but the tone of your post makes it sound quite a lot like a projection of your own feelings.

You haven't told us anything really about your relationship apart from the sex - what about conversations, kindness, making each other laugh, enjoying spending time together? Why did you not mention these?

I am sorry that you and your family have had a tough time, but I agree with the others that have said that the way you have phrased your post makes you sound very selfish and self absorbed.

fatedtopretend Wed 30-Oct-13 12:29:41

OP, have you asked to go for counselling with her? If you have and she is refusing then leaving may be the only option, if you have not discussed seeking help with her then that should be your first step.

On another note the responses from some posters on here are truly disgusting.

FairPhyllis Wed 30-Oct-13 12:32:42

Just astonished at this.

Would you dump your DS if he got ill and 'lost his spark'? Presumably he's at risk of inheriting this kidney disease too.

Presumably there are reasons you married her other than how good she is in bed. If those are still there then you are not 'trapped in a loveless marriage.' You are in a marriage which is experiencing some problems with sex and communication. These could very well be fixable if you are prepared to put some effort in addressing them.

I would not be at all surprised if she is picking up on the fact that you are mentally preparing to leave and that is why she doesn't want sex and is continuing to work - I would in her position.

Andy1964 Wed 30-Oct-13 12:34:14

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

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