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my head mixed up...

(45 Posts)
killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 09:32:46

I am just so so confused. I just don't know what to do. I've been so strong and so decisive all week & today I'm just breaking into pieces.

I told my husband last week I wanted to separate. we have had a rough year with an unexpected pregnancy, a wedding and he cheated. I still love him but I have serious trust issues after the cheating incident. He has always been quite controlling & as a SATM I don't have any income. I don't get a penny for myself, I get given money for the shopping and if I go over my budget he will shout at me. I understand money is tight but he still manages to have a gym membership & go out drinking every weekend.

He can be nasty, telling me that I need to loose weight (sizes 10) and that I don't ever make an effort with my appearance (I always wear make up). Recently he keeps telling me to go to the dr because he thinks I'm depressed (I'm not) I

I just need some strength if anyone has any to spare. if I stay I stay in a relationship that I'm controlled and put down but my family is all together (2 DC) and I have a lovely home.

if I leave I am on my own and will have to claim benefits to get myself on my feet, but I won't live in fear of doing something wrong and being resentful towards someone who drinks, party's and spends money that I'm not allowed to touch.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 13:29:15

It's not selfish to want family support when you have small children and are a lone parent. How far away are you planning to move?

HelloBoys Thu 31-Oct-13 13:31:55

the kids will gain EVERYTHING from being near your family and friends and away from him.

what are they supposed to lose at this stage? play gym? playgroup? you can get those rearranged in your family town.

My mum moved with me and my dad when I was about 2 and I had no ties or real memories of the old town/home.

stay strong

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 13:36:00

only 15 minutes away.
but he's making a big deal because we don't have a car.

I know that housing executive means the possibility of a housing estate, but I grew up beside one & had lots of friends from there, people I still talk to. if I was to live in an estate I'd pick there over somewhere I had no clue where the 'dodgy bits' are.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 13:40:19

15 minutes? I thought you were going to say hundreds of miles. smile Tell him to jog on and get a few bus timetables.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 15:13:08

HE called, so they want me to come down to them and chat things through as I'm going from an abusive relationship & want to make sure I know every option to make sure I'm safe & comfortable with my decision.

not that I'm at risk but they are helping me make the best choice for my little family & they were so lovely.
just want to get this sorted & get settled before Christmas.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 15:32:52

That sounds like progress. As for 'risk' I think it may work better for you if you err on the side of being quite worried about his reaction rather than underplaying it.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 15:38:59

he knows I'm going.
he knows what I think of him.

he is still hoping for reconciliation.
not this time.
I've been a door mat for too long.

FunnyRunner Thu 31-Oct-13 15:41:42

You are doing brilliantly Peppa. I didn't see your other threads but what you've put on this one is enough for me to know he's a complete wanker. Definitely move closer to your folks if they are supportive. So impressed at how decisive you are being. x

str8tothepoint Thu 31-Oct-13 16:23:26

I don't think she sounds scared, I think your relishing this, lots of freedom and a happy independent woman. Go for it and never look back :-)

janesnowdon1 Thu 31-Oct-13 16:23:51

Try and read "Why does he do That?" or "Should I stay or should I go?" both by Lundy Bancroft. These books will really help you to understand the way your husband has been behaving and help give you strength.

You are doing brilliantly - well done the Housing Executive for being so helpful

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 16:28:56

I don't think she sounds scared either but, when it comes to housing procedures, I think you get higher priority if you can make out your situation is a little worse than it actually is.

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 18:44:22

Well done Killpeppa, I have lived the huge house unhappily and the tiny house happy and I know which I'd choose every time. Do what is best for you. 15mins is still local and the age of your dcs mean they won't even know what is home yet.
This sounds so exciting. stay strongx

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 31-Oct-13 19:03:21

Do pop over to the EA thread (nearly full, but there'll be another one along afterwards), for a drink at the Vixen's, and a ticket on the train to indifference and freedom.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 20:55:19

thanks everyonesmilewas so nice to come and see these messages after a tough evening (of arguing)
he leaves to go to his mums on Sunday (thank god!)

I'll keep you'd posted on the housing situation, fingers crossed I can get more informed and the process on the road tomorrow.

killpeppa Fri 01-Nov-13 12:29:01

just got sorted at the housing executive.

I'm in the list. just applied for income support & all that fun stuffsad

I'm happy I'm starting a new chapter but sad the way it's starting

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Nov-13 13:21:48

Doing the right thing isn't always a pleasant or easy experience, unfortunately. However, no matter how difficult it is, there are few thing to beat feeling in control of your own life. You may even look back on this point in years to come as when things really turned around.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 13:29:22

Killpeppa - I've only just seen your thread here. You are doing really really well. Don't listen to what he is saying, do what is right for you and your DC and that's being near your Mum. You are not turning your DC's lives upside down, they're very very small, you are making their lives a million times better. Just think - Christmas how you want it smile

I'm sorry, because I know how hard it is when you still love someone - but love isn't enough and he's a nasty controlling bully. In time you will meet someone who is worthy of your love.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 15:06:24

Well Done Killpeppa, Stay stron and make your dcs a lovely life.

killpeppa Fri 01-Nov-13 15:27:39

I've thought about private rental as well and have an appointment on Monday to see a lovely little house,

fingers crossed for me.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 15:52:06

I will keep them crossed for youxx

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