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What to do with a killjoy DH?

(64 Posts)
MatildaMai Wed 30-Oct-13 05:17:07

DH never wants to do anything. His excuse is that we don’t have enough money to do whatever it is that I want to do, be it a holiday or a day out. There have been times when we have had enough money to do these things, admittedly things are a bit tight at the moment, but other people are in the same position and they still manage to have fun.
I am desperate for a family holiday, but he says no. He says we should be saving money for our future. Well, we haven’t had any fun in years, and we still haven’t managed to save any money! It’s not just money, on the occasions he agrees that we need a holiday, he says we should go and visit his parents who live abroad. They can’t stand me. I don’t want to visit them. Particularly as they have visited us 3 times in the last year.

We never have fun days out, we never go out as a couple, he never buys me anything. Yet we still seem to find the money for takeaways or alcohol. Or going to the local pizza place that he likes. That’s all we seem to do. I have tried explaining to him that if we gave up these things, we would have more money for other things. But he doesn’t listen.

We have 2 kids and their lives just seem a bit miserable. DH only has one day off a week and he seems to spend the whole day in a mood. Again, we never do anything fun on his day off. We’ll go to McDonald’s for breakfast, then maybe the local DIY shop, wander around the shopping centre, get a coffee, go home, get a takeaway… the same thing every weekend. I hate junk food!!!

I thought it was me, maybe I am just a miserable demanding cow, but this morning our cleaner who never usually speaks said: “Sorry to say this, but Sir is a killjoy. He is killing the happiness of everyone around him.” I don’t know what prompted it, as I said, she never usually speaks. But she’s right.

What can I do? I have 2 grown-up kids from a previous relationship who don’t live with us. And I am not being flippant when I say that me and my older kids had a better, more fun life on benefits than my current kids do with 2 parents working!

Is anyone else in this postion? How do you handle it? Thanks.

Dirtymistress Wed 30-Oct-13 05:27:49

How old are your youngest two? I would just go without him. If you want to take your children on holiday, then just do it. He is your husband, not your keeper.
Would your older children like to spend time with their younger siblings? Get them to come along.
Get rid of the cleaner! If money is too tight to take your kids out, clean your own house.

MatildaMai Wed 30-Oct-13 05:31:57

Yeah, I have thought about us just going on our own... would it be really bad if I just saved up and booked something?

As for the cleaner, I work long hours. I also do a part-time job in the evenings and weekends and I tutor DS for an hour a day and the baby wakes me up 4 or 5 times a night. I can't do everything, I'm not Superwoman!

uptheanty Wed 30-Oct-13 06:21:35

Ive gone onholiday alone , with dc's, without my dh before as he was busy with work.
You'd be surprised how many people do it!

Don't wait around for his permission to have a life. Stop asking for his approval and he'll soon change his attitude when he sees how much fun you're having grin

Reprint Wed 30-Oct-13 06:30:08

My XH could suck the joy from anything.
I lost count of the years when he made me worry incessantly about cash-flow and live as though I had nothing, only to announce at the end of the year that "we have had a very good year".
It was all part of abusive control. Kept me effectively penniless. All fed into a programme of emotional abuse. And he was banking thousands into accounts I knew nothing about!!

I never say LTB. But this time my advice really is .....Leave!!!! Its not worth waiting another 10 years, because they don't change and the prospect for later life is not worth contemplating.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 30-Oct-13 06:57:42

I do not think you can actually enforce any change because at heart he does not think he has done anything wrong. These men do not change and have no interest in doing so. He gets what he wants out of this but what about you?. What do you get out of this relationship?.

I do not think at all you've been a miserable demanding cow but he has certainly. Such emotionally abusive types are also adept at making their victims think its all their fault as well. Where is all the money and how much access do you have to any of it?.

I would also think this is at heart about power and control; this man wants to live like this and is happy to do so. He is keeping you under his thumb.

Am glad the cleaner spoke up, you should take heed of that comment as well.

Feel sorry for your children, if you think their lives are a bit miserable chances are this is indeed the case. What do you think they are learning about relationships here?.

I would carefully consider your own future with this man because you have a choice re him and your children do not. I do not think there is any happy future for you at all if you chose to stay with such a person.

FunkyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 07:03:34

That sounds like my worst nightmare. His day off and you traipse round places he wants to go to starting at macdonalds. Bleurgh.

Book and take the kids on a weeks hol somewhere nice.

FunkyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 07:04:50

Then when you get back, scour the accounts to work out where the money is going, and work out what you are going to do about the rest of your life.

NeedlesCuties Wed 30-Oct-13 07:08:58

What? I'm not sure where you live, what I know for sure that round here there are plenty for free family days at different places. If he's saying you have no money, then try to do free/cheap things.

But.... I think from your OP it's clear that there is £ to do things he wants, just not things which are family things. That is sad, and I agree with the killjoy label.

RollerCola Wed 30-Oct-13 07:12:55

Oh gosh are you me? I could have written your post word for word.
I struggled on for years and years trying to keep our 'happy family' together. But we weren't happy.

We separated earlier this year and since then me & the kids have had a ball grin. We go out all the time, just little stuff like nice walks, impromptu stuff, visiting people etc. I feel a little bit like I've deprived them of some 'fun' in their lives because we were always treading on eggshells when exh was here.

Not sure if you're at the stage of wanting to leave him yet, but if not sit him down, tell him how you feel, and then take the kids yourself. You can't hang back on this stuff, they aren't children for that long.
Unfortunately you run the risk of him saying (as mine did) 'I feel like I'm not part of the family any more' Well mine wasn't in the end, so now he's gone.

dreamingbohemian Wed 30-Oct-13 07:14:50

I think for now you should just go have fun without him. There's always free stuff to do with young kids.

I suspect in the long run you'll realise there's no point being with someone who doesn't bring any happiness to anyone. Life's too short.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 07:20:41

Keep the cleaner, lose the Dementor.... hmm Seriously, he doesn't even appear to like you very much, let alone love you. That's got to be a reasonable conclusion from behaviour where someone wouldn't want to go on holiday or spend leisure time with their DW. He makes excuses, he's unpleasant... I'd ask him straight if he sees a future in the relationship and point out that you increasingly don't.

pictish Wed 30-Oct-13 07:23:44

Whhat Bohemian is way too short to hand control of it over to a funsucker.

WaitingForMe Wed 30-Oct-13 07:40:35

To be fair a McDonalds breakfast plus a takeaway is plenty of money for a day out. In my area there is a huge country park with free parking, soft play is from £3.50 per child and if I use vouchers I can do places like Birdland for £10-15.

It's about the mentality not the money.

MatildaMai Wed 30-Oct-13 08:01:40

To answer the question that's been asked a few times... we don't actually have any money. We fritter it all away on takeaways sad

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 30-Oct-13 08:03:32

Go have fun. But don't try to drag your husband along. Go do things on your own.

AmberLeaf Wed 30-Oct-13 08:05:44


MatildaMai Wed 30-Oct-13 08:09:00

Yes, I think I just need to have fun without him. I think I am going to save as much as I can and try to get some more part-time work and save from that. I'll plan for us all to go away in the Easter Hols. I might book him a refundable ticket then - when the time comes - say "me and the kids are going on holiday, here's your ticket, come with us or stay home. Up to you."

Also, there is a salsa class that I want to go to. He likes dancing and I suggested we do this once a week then go to the small, quiet bar nearby afterwards for a quick drink. Just the two of us. He said "sounds OK." He is never really enthusiastic about anything ever, but I hoped he would be about this.

Looks like I might be going to the salsa class alone...

teacher123 Wed 30-Oct-13 08:13:56

Takeaways cost a FORTUNE, we used to have loads of them and eat out a lot more before we had DS. Now we're desperately trying to save for a house and are really cutting back on these things. Yesterday we went to a national trust place (free entry for the three of us) had a cup of tea and a piece of cake in the cafe (cost £9 but we could have taken a packed lunch) and had a ball. Things don't have to cost a lot of money, it's the attitude that counts. DH has a slight tendency to be a bit 'oh we can't afford to do ANYTHING' because we don't have as much disposable income as we did pre-DS. However he is open to suggestions! Also there is nothing wrong with going away by yourselves. I've been away with DS without DH to visit people lots of times. A few days in a caravan somewhere is cheap and cheerful fun.

AmberLeaf Wed 30-Oct-13 08:15:03

Men like this never change. Miserable bastards.

They suck the joy out of life and leave you thinking it is your fault.

But when you leave them and start actually enjoying life, seeing your children happy and seeing the mans same old miserable face, you will see that it wasn't ever you and that they are indeed just a miserable fucker.

Life is just too short.

scarevola Wed 30-Oct-13 08:17:13

Yes, go alone if he's not that interested.

I think what yo need right now is to have some fun, mostly with DC but some as an adult too.

That might bring you a new perspective on what mood you want within your home, and the impetus to make sure it happens.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 30-Oct-13 08:17:36

You have a takeaway instead of cooking, right? I infer that he is the one who decides about the evening meal because you work long daytime hours and have an evening job too. So he just gets in a takeaway ... Is there any way (I know it's more work) you can change that, even sometimes, by sticking something in the slow cooker on a timer, or casserole in the oven on a timer, or even supermarket ready meals - all much cheaper than takeaway. I can see how takeaway every day would use up a hefty chunk of take home pay for a family.

TeenyW123 Wed 30-Oct-13 08:27:15

Keep a spreadsheet for a couple of months showing what's coming in an going out. Split it into columns of 'necessities' - mortgage/rent, food, petrol, utilities. Then 'needs' - clothes, kids commitments, medical etc. the rest could be called 'squandered'- takeaways, alcohol, frivolities, sweeties. Just see how your income is divided.

If you can show him in black and white that instead of wasting stuff on instant gratification, saving up for a future treat would provide so much more satisfaction FOR the whole family.

Yob can only spend each £ once, you know. Budgeting is the key.


MatildaMai Wed 30-Oct-13 08:29:50

No, I'm a great cook, it's just sometimes we feel like a treat. But I would rather just have something from the cupboard and save the money.

Hawkmoth Wed 30-Oct-13 08:33:46

Buy a treat-type cookbook? Or Spicery stuff?

But that only solves one issue.

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