Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How hideous is going no contact?(251 Posts)
not sure how much to write but after my sister had a hissy fit over nothing and threw me and my son out of her house in the rain without our coats (and with my keys in my coat pocket) in front of her own children (her daughter was really upset by it all) i have refused to go 'back to normal' re: forget anything ever happened yet again.
as a result i've ceased to be invited to family gatherings for over a month and no one wished me luck for an interview or asked how it went and basically i'm being punished for not playing the game/the role/etc that i am meant to.
another posters thread on here has really brought the dysfunctional dynamics of my family to life for me - they were anyway but you know how when you read it in someone else's life it's so much clearer?
anyway my role was always scapegoat and whipping boy (i'm female btw). no matter what successes i have it won't change a thing. things going well or that in any way disprove the role i've been assigned are just ignored.
i have never in my life been asked by my mother how i am or how things are going. i've never had an apology even when she has been absolutely monstrous. i'm pretty sure she is a narcissist - ticks all the boxes etc.
i have built pretty good boundaries over the years and laughingly refer to my teflon coating that lets the abuse slide off but i find myself wondering why on earth i put up with it at all or allow these people who are so keen to destroy me in my life.
could say lots more but not sure if i'll regret putting this out there. my parents are due to go away for a long spell soon, i haven't seen them for about a month despite living close by and i would actually rather not see them before they go away and rather not have my son go there as at the minute it feels really important to me for us to be together and not polluted by all the extended family madness. i suspect the pressure will come on soon or the 'you're such a bad person' trip.
i massively miss my sister's children but i no longer feel i can put up with all the shit i have to take to be in their lives. i'm tired of being painted as someone i genuinely don't even recognise and never did even as a child and having motives and intentions and actions attributed to me that bear no relation to reality. i'm sick of the crazy making of people behaving monstrously and then just lying or pretending it never happened or that i'm the crazy one and it was all my fault somehow. i'm also sick of allowing my son to be around people who don't have the most basic respect for me.
not sure what the point of this post is - maybe just to put it out there.
thanks polly. it is hard and you do need to be strong.
in the meantime i've ordered a sim card as i'm out of contract and can ditch the old number and not have to deal with texts or calls anymore. of course people can still turn up on my doorstep which is a nightmare but at least it lessens things.
it's the kids that make it hard - awful guilt potential and so easy to think oh well for their sake i should suck it up etc.
must keep strong.
i think i've got a new job starting january, i'm being made redundant from current post, which is pretty good money and gets me back into my old profession. will see how it goes, it's initially temporary till summer but could/should turn to permanent. if it does i can think about moving.
yes its the doorstepping i received yesterday from the mother that prompted me to post.I really need to find out how to put a stop to it for good.My home is my sanctuary it isn't a public area for bullies to gather to disrespect me in front of my children.
Good luck and best wishes with the job and i hope better times away from this mess await you.
bless you and thank you.
that 'poor ds' comment is dragging at me.
thing is i only said, 'no thanks'. it's also so utterly typical of her that she expects i have zero life or plans and can just fall in with what she wants if she announces it the day before she wants it. it's also my birthday this weekend ffs but i'm supposed to just be free to her call despite how awfully she's behaved?
i so wish she hadn't gotten in touch - hate that it's had such an effect on me.
Happy Birthday, NNameChange! And congratulations on getting the job on the new year, too!
You are doing the right thing. Thinking you should go back for the sake of the dc is what they want you to think. When, in reality, you are staying away for the sake of your dc , as well as yourself.
Train yourself to tune her out. She is using words as tools to hurt you, so just do not listen. Easier said than done.
The thing is NumptyNC your "no thanks" has also had an effect on your sis which is why she followed it up with "poor, poor x". In an earlier post you described yourself as having developed a Teflon coat, use that now to let the insults bounce back to the sender. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that people like this like less than you being indifferent to them. I know this because it is a tactic I use successfully on my vile step brother. I can't cut him off completely because we have an elderly parent in common but my indifference to anything he says or does is driving him insane.
At first it takes a lot of self control to ignore the dramas but after a while it gets easier & then you have the upper hand as they go to ever more extremes to get your attention.
just dealing with texts and stuff today because it's my birthday. all very 'fake' nice and having to remind myself that it is fake and a sign of desperation as the usual abuse has failed.
Happy birthday NNC!
The fake good wishes are stomach turning arn't they?Not a dash of actual genuine sentiment involved at all.
I take some comfort in the fact i know what they are up to and i will never fall for their nasty tricks and games again.I will always be one step ahead.
yes, it's always been about performing for occasions in my family - even if people have treated you like utter shit you're supposed to suck it up and go with the fake for the day.
more insanity from my sister with a 'nice' text when she must see the one above it is a dig about my son and the one above that is pure abuse. crazy.
faux affection from my mother - telling ds to give me a hug from them - this from a woman that i can't recall hugging me though presumably she did when i was a baby at least.
well birthday down and christmas to go.
How they love to perform for a special occasion!We live in relative peace until easter,the DC'S birthdays and christmas.Then it's time for the unannounced doorstep visits and false over the top gift giving.Always accompanied by the usual self pitying crap about not seeing the DC because their mummy is awful.
I hate how we have our special occasions overshadowed by these idiots.
is it common for these people to be really shit at present buying? i find there is an excessive spending of money on stuff that isn't needed or wanted as if the price tag matters more than the person somehow.
i've even been given a present by my sister once where she said, 'you won't like this now but don't get rid of it because you might like it when you're older' - cue handing me a piece of jewelry which was, as she acknowledged, so far from my taste it was untrue.
my sister also lacks the grace to know that you don't outshine parents by spending a ton on someone else's child much like you don't wear white to a wedding.
my mother feels the need to question you to death about what you want and refuses to take a risk on buying something for you because 'you never like what i buy you' (apparently). took me a while to realise that it's because she really doesn't know me at all or really 'see' or know people so of course she can't choose gifts for them. everyone has to give her lists and virtually go out and buy it for themselves and then she wraps it up. even if she does get you a surprise or something from your child she'll tell you what it is before which is just friggin' odd. it's like she doesn't get that the pleasure is kind of in the surprise and the recognition that someone has looked for something for you and thought of you and your tastes whilst selecting the gift.
right i sound like a right whiney brat now
it's odd to me because i'll often as i look around shops think ooh that's perfect for so and so, oh that would look lovely on x it's just her colour, oh y would love that! i realise 'that' ability, whatever you call it, is utterly lacking in them. presume it connects to empathy somehow and actually seeing people for who they are rather than what you project onto them.
You have just described my mother and sister's gift buying habits to the letter.The mother just loves to outshine me on my DC'S birthdays by giving deliberately large sums of money to them to prove how crap me and DH are as we could never compete.
Luckily i can intercept these sums in advance and give a more normal amount to the child and donate the excess to charity.
I have also been given hugely frumpy clothing as gifts in the past from the sister and the mother which anyone who vaguely knows me would know i would never wear.Always at least two dress sizes too big also.
how charming polly.
i'm going to have hell over christmas. think i may need to stamp boundaries into place well before the actual event. re: not turning up on doorstep. god knows how i'm going to handle all this - will just have to take it as it comes i guess as there's no way to plan for people like this really. they're predictably unpredictable in the sense that you can fully expect them NOT to behave in the normal socially acceptable ways other people do iyswim.
i'm suspecting complete no contact is likely to prove impossible with me living here.
Yes the last thing in the world i would do is turn up to another persons home uninvited and unwanted.How mortyfying.Yet these people think it's fine.
I dread Christmas.
let alone the doorstep of someone's house you've been massively abusive to last time you saw and have never even apologised to yet turn up and expect them to pretend nothing has happened.
it's utterly mad isn't it? or it would be if it was anyone else yet for my family it's normal fair.
i'm having to stay strong against the faux niceness because i know these are people who generally do not give a flying fuck about me whether i'm ill, going through stuff, losing a job or whatever. this faux interest is purely because i've withdrawn and i know full well if i stand my ground it will turn into nastiness, abuse and threats.
god it's like an abusive marriage isn't it?
i never understand people putting up with abusive relationships or friendships because i tend to think christ if i'm not related to them why the hell would i put up with it? as in i can take enough abuse from the people i had foisted on me without inviting more shit into my life.
about time i realised i don't have to have them in my life either.
thanks for keeping on replying - does help to talk it through.
You definately don't have to have them in your life but it's so unfair that they will never be held to account for their horrible behaviour and it is the innocent victim who has their character questioned for distancing themselves from their families.
I don't regret actually going no contact though.Just wish i could find a way of making them stay no contact with me.
i'm going away for a few days before christmas. not the same as completely clearing off obviously but something to look forward to and to be recharged by will help i'm thinking. have booked flights and going to stay with a friend for a few days. will give ds something to be excited about and maybe distract him from the 'christmas is happening without you poor child' type saga.
Brilliant idea. So nice. And it will be lovely to come home and be allfestive in your house having had a break from it. Well done.
You are doing brilliantly.
Something I have always thought to myself about toxic people (inc friends and family) is that if they do really change, of course I'd be glad to welcome them back into my inner circle with open arms. This helps me reassure myself that I am not a terrible person for drawing strong boundaries. But they have a lot of work to do to convince me their change is real. So far, none of them really have.
Although you're only clearing off for a few days I'd spread the rumour that you're away over Christmas, it may reduce the amount of doorstop visit attempts
hi - don't know if anyone will still read as it's been a while.
i had a text yesterday from my sister that was all we miss you both, i so wish we could make peace, how do you feel?
it wobbled me.
parents due back to england in the next couple of days so there will be them too.
is anyone still around?
That is a difficult/painful one.
How have you felt whilst being no contact?
good mostly! as in it's bloody nice not to deal with drama or being around people who think of or treat you badly. me and my son have been getting on well and home has been really chilled. no childcare for well over a month now but it's been fine. less second guessing, less drama - all good really.
Well I suppose that is your answer then, continue to ignore and do not resume contact.
Poor you, Numpty. I agree with Random. You've been good without them. Your sisters text was still not an apology for throwing you out. It was still hoping she could just go back to normal, without recognising her behaviour.
Basically, what it comes down to, is that they need you (for scapegoating activities) far more than you need them.
If you cut yourself free of the scapegoat role, your son will see what a fantastic, independent person you are, and that will mean far more to him than shiny fripperies.
thank you. i appreciate you replying and remembering the details. i really do.
i sent her a reply after posting here being honest and basically saying actually things have been better for us, peaceful, happy, without drama or negativity pouring in and i mostly feel relieved and like my little family is ok and it feels much healthier.
i said i hoped all was well with her and i did feel torn about the kids but actually life was going much better.
no reply thus far. don't know if it was a mistake to reply but it felt right at the time. if there's anything... 'ok' about her that really can grasp how fucked up this whole family dynamic is then she may respect it and recognise how it is for her when she disentangles from the whole mess and respect my position. if not... well??? what can you do.
i've been formally offered the new job and it starts in january and puts me back in my old profession but part time and at a point in my life where hopefully i'll deal much better with the stress and demands. i've signed off sick from the job i'm being made redundant from and spending time looking after myself and sorting out home stuff and generally just taking care of us. i don't want or need drama and can honestly say i haven't missed my parents or their help with ds, re: childcare, once. my only fretting has been for the kids - my ds and my sister's children. no loss or lack from the absence of the adults.
i feel like i've been gradually letting myself feel and relax into feeling stuff - not as in big drama or revelations just easing into myself and my life. if i think of them it stresses me, it burdens me with perspectives of 'who i am' that aren't real but have emotional power over me. i don't want it.
part of me feels i'll have to let them back into our lives to one degree or another for the children's sake and pragmatism. i don't know. time i guess.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.