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is anyone interested in an alchohol-free / addiction thread?

(1000 Posts)
youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 12:30:55

My name is youretoastmildred, and I am an alcoholic.

I am 42 days alcohol free.
have been a problem drinker for a long time and have often convinced myself that moderate drinking will be fine. It never stays moderate.
In this 42 days there have been certain key people that I have not had to see. I have 2 events coming up with them that will be massive triggers and I am looking for support (and very very willing to offer what support I can to anyone else)

I have lurked on Brave Babes and it seems to be a thread of successfully moderate drinkers, and alcoholics who can't / don't actually stop. (The poster who started those threads by stopping completely isn't there: I also remember some 12 step nondrinkers from the early days who don't seem to be there any more. There are a lot of posts by people enumerating what they are having or will have and whether or not this is ok but I don't see much actual NOT DRINKING EVER which is what I need to do)

By contrast, the AA meeting that I attend, while it will always have a couple of people back after a relapse, is mostly packed with people with months and years sober.

Is anyone interested in an actual not-drinking or beating other addictions thread? I am NOT saying I am not interested in talking to those who relapse. I am saying that I DO want to talk to people who aim to stop drinking.

any takers?

Clargo55 Mon 28-Oct-13 12:38:07

I have never been addicted but I am alcohol free. My mother is a alcoholic and narcissistic. Not really what you are looking for, but did not want to leave you unanswered.

I will stay around to support you until others arrive if you like.
When are your events coming up?
Congrats on the 42days thanks

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 12:43:57

Thanks Clargo. There are things this weekend, and the one two weeks after that. So it's not like there is a crowd of people on my doorstep right now with champagne bottles!

Clargo55 Mon 28-Oct-13 12:46:04

Do you have any one close to you for support?
Hope it goes well at the weekend.

Sorry I am not much help, but will be bumping this thread for you smile

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 12:46:41

I'm a brave babe on/off er grin. I so badly want to be alochol free, but I will not 'do' AA or 12 step stuff - I had a terrible and damaging experience at AA so won;t go back. Totally respect people who choose it and it works for of course. Just sitting here today in that hideous post binge from hell depression. Can go weeks, months without then royally mess it up. Can't do 'moderate' either, this self loathing is awful. I am here!

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 12:47:57

Hi MrMeanour! Welcome!

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 12:54:54

smile what do we do now? grin

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 13:10:05

I don't know... what would you like to do? smile

I am sorry to hear you had bad times at AA.

so - you are now post-binge. What are your goals? what have you got planned for the day?
what was the trigger for the binge? (if any)
how long were you alcohol free before?

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 13:38:37

well, the longest time was 8 months, then we went on holiday and I automatically started - virtually as we got off the plane grin This was about 5 years ago. Since then, I've done anything from three days to four months, At the moment, I seem to be doing one month drinking, one month not - which is bloody ridiculous! Today I have basically stayed in bed being depressed - really positive hmm - off work which is not good sad I mean to 'start again' but I always do. All sorts of triggers at the moment - don't want to out myself but under vast amounts of pressure, which isn't likely to stop for a while. I know I just have to stop and I have to mean it.

quirrelquarrel Mon 28-Oct-13 14:17:51

Congratulations OP- 42 days is great. I hope you're proud of yourself!

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's doing really well and not had any since last Saturday, so over a week. He's been relying on other crutches to get through the withdrawal but anything's better than him passing out night after night. Don't want to write an essay because I feel all talked out on the issue. My mum's given me some really thoughtful support which has been so nice, but just makes me feel worse for my boyfriend because his parents are so shit let alone in comparison and don't even know what he's going through. He was drinking partly because he has chonic insomnia- but a week without anything and he's had two really good nights and been buzzing the morning after because he finally had some good sleep. OTOH like I mentioned, the withdrawal's been a bastard. How was it for you?
I hope this thread takes off because I think it could be v. useful, thanks for starting it.

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 14:42:44

The hardest thing is getting back into good sleep patterns, once you do, it feels great though. Sounds like your dp is doing really well. I aim for 3 weeks when I stop and then i feel I'm 'getting there'. Just got to carry on!

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 15:23:21

Thanks quirrel-quarrel. best of luck to your bf. I hope getting some wellbeing from sleep will act as a powerful motivator

MeMeanour, don't worry about not being at work. It is an illness, you know. someone I know suggested I take a sick day when I was moaning about all the things I don't have time to do at home. Lots of people do throw sickies - but you are actually sick!

CurseOfCurves89 Mon 28-Oct-13 15:30:26

Hi there, congrats on your 42 days smile
I'm not an alcoholic, But my boyfriend is and I'm really struggling to help him, he still thinks that having the occasional drink won't do him any harm, not realising it's leading him back down that path again.
I just wanted to say well done, and wish you the best of luck and strength to keep kicking its arse thanks

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 15:46:28

Thank you. I am feeling better (slowly! you know what it's like!) The 'occasional' drink is the bloody touchpaper though. It doesn't exist in people like us. That is what I have to remember. I remember it for a while and then, feeling well and healthy after a time of sobriety, completely forget and here I am again sad It's just horrible. Bloody awful. I may be posting a lot - I hope that's ok. I have to get through the next few days at the very least.

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 15:49:01

want to write more about this later by the way because I feel that one of the key balancing acts for me in my struggle with alcohol (and so many things) is finding the right balance between taking responsibility and crippling, pointless shame and guilt

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 15:50:20

thanks curse of curves!

& Mr, post as much as you like. I post a lot too and will be maybe unloading a lot on here

maras2 Mon 28-Oct-13 16:00:01

Good luck with sobriety quest,Mildred.You've done well over the last couple of months.How can I say this without sounding rude? < deep breath > You would have a better chance of obtaining your ultimate goal if you got rid of your judgemental,unkind,and frankly cocklodger of a partner.I followed your thread at the begining of the month and thought that he sounded awful.Anyway best of luck.

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 16:05:18

maras2, thanks, but I do have to stand up for dp here. He is certainly not a cocklodger (we bring in about the same amount of money once you adjust for relative transport costs) and does every weekday breakfast time and teatime with the dcs when I am not there. so he is not a cocklodger, whatever else he may be - he is a vitally important worker in the running of this family.

I don't think he is unkind either. Although like everyone, he can be unkind.

Lovedaysthename Mon 28-Oct-13 16:30:39

I'm with you mildred.

My problem has been the effect of alcohol as being a sort of low level liquid cosh. I hardly ever drink to excess these days, but it's more a fairly constant habit of 'feeding' an apparent demand. It's been like this for quite a while and means I am not exactly operating optimally the following day. So for example last night I had a friend round and I drank 4 of those Cidre bottles from Stella. Not a lot but it's just debilitating, to a point it could go v badly. I exercise a lot so tell myself that's fine, when it really isn't. I counted up last weeks total units and it concerned me.

I think I'm too light-weight for the Bus and I get what you mean about it being very 'mixed' and am not wishing to end up just talking about how much I have consumed, largely, though it is quite inspirational to others and Mouse does a job deserving of awards. One quote stood out: "No-one ever wakes up regretting not having drunk the night before".

I'd like to kick it totally. Am I in 'mildred's gang'?

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 16:38:47

You're in the gang for sure grin what shall we call ourselves??

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 16:58:06

Hi Lovedaysthename,

Let's try not to have a twee name like the antenatal threads, or the Brave Babes, I'd like to keep this pretty dry (ha ha no pun intended) and not all Purple Ronnie and longwinded rhyming titles, if poss

Not that jokes aren't allowed! I love 'em. I just don't like the twee end of mn-quiche-dom, it isn't really my style (and most of the mn bits that I tend to hang out on aren't like that at all)

Lovedaysthename Mon 28-Oct-13 17:00:29

agree re the tweedom - something 'hard' and plain but not scary.

In fact reading back I realise I have done what many/all drinkers do. Under-report. Will have a cogitate on that.

Lovedaysthename Mon 28-Oct-13 17:02:32

oh and 'Loveday' will do!

MrMeanour Mon 28-Oct-13 17:42:25

I'll have a think too. grin

youretoastmildred Mon 28-Oct-13 17:44:22

OK. Here is my alcohol story (no one is obliged to read it, of course)

Family background: middle-class boozy. No alcohol consumed on weeknights; wine or beer as a treat for my parents at weekends. Always a big part of family gatherings, for them. I never saw my parents stumbling or slurring or obviously hungover, but I often saw them laughing loudly and being mildly hilarious.
Dad a bit of a wine connoisseur.
I remember as a child my father moaning about a friend who had cut back and refused to taste every wine, and put his hand over the glass when one was offered. It was felt that he wasn't playing the game. I don't know why I remembered this, but it stayed with me.

I had a lot of emotional problems as a child. No one was interested. I was not badly treated but pretty badly let down, in some ways.

I used to be allowed small sips of wine from, probably, 14. Alcohol was not hidden. Had I wanted to I could have drunk spirits from the cabinet any time. It never occurred to me to drink more than I was given. But I did absolutely love it.

I think I was 15 the first time I bought alcohol (only now does it occur to me that I could have stolen it, not bought it. Never crossed my mind.) I was deeply pissed off. It was a really hard time for me but I don't remember the particular trigger. I remember being very angry and very very emotionally uncomfortable. I bought 2 cans of guinness, I do not remember whether I went out to get them, it is more likely I got them on my way home from school, I can't remember how premeditated it was but I do remember being petrified with nerves at buying it and flooded with relief that I got away with it. (Was I in school uniform? How did that work?) I sat on the floor in my favourite corner in the sun in my bedroom and drank them both, out of the can, with my arm holding the can behind the bookcase to my right so that only when I quickly swigged was it in view, in case anyone walked in (people usually knocked, then walked in). I felt calm and peaceful and warm and serene. Not falling about drunk, remotely, but much much better. I stashed the empty cans behind the bookcase and cleaned my teeth and went downstairs for dinner.

I did that again. Not that often, but I knew that the option was there.

My friends and I started to drink occasionally. At first I didn't drink any more than anyone else. I never wanted to be the drunk girl at the party. I enjoyed it but I was cautious.
One night, my 3 best girl friends (it was an incredible revelation to me to have friends and I was intensely, insanely happy to have some affection and company in my life) came over to have dinner and sleep over and my mum gave us a bottle of cider. We had arranged at least another big bottle that she didn't know about. We got very silly and affectionate and fell asleep in one big double bed and it was the happiest night of my life. Booze was a big part of it. We were happy and uninhibited and I had never felt so loved, so understood, so accepted - at the centre of something, not out in the cold.

I am going to post this now and write more later.

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