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help - is this emotional abuse?

(46 Posts)
loopdaloo Sun 27-Oct-13 20:41:40

I'm a first time poster sorry if it's long!

I'm married just over 2 yrs been together nearly 4 and have a 7wk old and a 19 month old.

My oh has always enjoyed a drink but I don't think I really noticed how much until I stopped drinking while pregnant and bf as we both went out a lot. Oh has always been quite jealous and started arguments if he thinks someone fancies me despite no encouragement from me or me giving any reason to doubt me. He only ever starts when he's had a drink.

He goes to the pub everyday after work saying he needs to unwind. We have our own business and some weeks he works 7 days. He comes back by 6 maybe 4 days but stays out later the other days. He also drinks when he comes home. I have concerns he is an alcoholic but he denies this.

I am a sahm although before our second baby was born I worked a couple of days a week at our business doing physical work until about 6 months pregnant. I also do the administration side of things. At home I do everything; cleaning, washing, shopping etc plus I do everything for the girls (oh does bath eldest most nights if he is in). I cook a meal when I can but some days don't know what time oh will be in or as I'm bf on demand and have a toddler I just don't have chance.

In the last few months oh has not been eating properly and blames me. He thinks I should cook a meal for him every night but only says this when he's had a drink. Other times if he's only had a couple of pints I'll start cooking but he'll tell me to sit down and he'll do it. I make him sandwiches for lunch most days and have started buying him ready made shakes to have for breakfast. If he doesn't have his lunch he is obviously drinking on an empty stomach so comes in quite drunk.

He regularly tells me when drunk that I don't do anything, I don't give him enough affection, it's my fault he's not eating etc. Tonight he came in at 6 having been to the pub at lunchtime to watch the football. His speech was slurred so I said he sounded drunk to which he replied he knew he spunded drunk but he wasn't. We had a chat about the day then he bathed eldest then started to make tea when he came back down. I said I wasn't very hungry so just to sort himself. He then complained I'd put new chips on top of old ones in the freezer and went up for a bath. I followed him upstairs to ask if something was wrong and somehow it escalated into the worst argument ever. He accused me of pushing him away all the time, never doing anything, said the reason he goes to the pub is cos he's got nothing to come home to. It was awful and all so untrue I ended up pushing him then slapping him. I know this was wrong but he was really shouting loads of lies about me and calling me a terrible wife when everything I do is for him and the dcs.

He is going away on business tomorrow for three days and I said he could consider it a trial separation. This is now the third time it has got to this stage, I have twice asked him to leave but the next morning he has promised things will change. They do for a while but then the same arguments start. He regularly tells me how much he loves me, how I mean the world to him but then treats me like dirt. He even tells me everyone agrees with him and I am a nasty piece of work!

When it's good it's really great and we're so in tune but the bad times are getting more frequent and I don't know if I can put up with it any more. I love him when it's good but he makes me feel worthless and useless when it's bad. I don't know if he can change but I don't want our beautiful girls to be affected as they grow up. Sorry it's so long but I really need some advice sd not really got anyone in rl to share this with.

tinselhair Wed 06-Nov-13 13:37:41

He sounds just like my ex, he didn't want to grow up and face responsibilities and instead went to the pub after work every night. Also the same with the dinner thing, even told his Mum I wasn't cooking for him! When he rolled in whenever it suited him in whatever state.(He didn't tell her that bit).

He obviously has got an alcohol problem, I really feel for you, your post has brought back memories and they are not good.

When you go to his Mum's, don't underplay how awful he has been to live with This is what I did to my ex's parents, some misguided loyalty to him and not wanting to upset them. Let her know what life with him is like, he might actually listen if his Mum is hearing it at the same time. I didn't do this, he was still golden boy, I was the nasty one and saddest of all they make no effort to contact their grandchild. I wish I had tried to get some support from them then it might have had a different outcome for my dd.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Nov-13 10:40:53

Well I hope it goes OK at him mums.
And he will change, for about a month and then you'll right back here having the same conversations.
That's OK though. We are all here to support you no matter what happens.
But I agree with PP, please look at your posts and what he does and how he behaves. Print off this thread and take it with you.
Not to show anybody, just to refer to when you need a reminder of what a total twat he is!
You've tried everything to save your marriage. But you cannot save it on your own, no matter how hard you try.
It takes 2 people to save it and he doesn't want to.
And always remember; Words are Cheap!!!
You need ACTIONS!
Good luck with everything!

Vivacia Tue 05-Nov-13 19:51:10

I'd go back and read your first post, about him coming home drunk, shouting at you and saying horrible things about you.

loopdaloo Tue 05-Nov-13 19:08:46

His mum has asked us both to go up for a talk tomorrow. His mum can't understand his behaviour as it's so out of character to what he's always been like (he's 43). They are obviously worried about him so I guess this is a last ditch attempt to get through to him. I was surprised he agreed to go so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

I feel like I am so weak as I know what I should be doing I know what all you lovely ladies have advised but I suppose I just can't accept what's happening, and want to know I did everything I could to save our marriage. If he can't do everything he can then I'll have to find the strength to walk away.

loopdaloo Tue 05-Nov-13 19:07:13

His mum has asked us both to go up for a talk tomorrow. His mum can't understand his behaviour as it's so out of character to what he's always been like (he's 43). They are obviously worried about him so I guess this is a last ditch attempt to get through to him. I was surprised he agreed to go so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

I feel like I am so weak as I know what I should be doing I know what all you lovely ladies have advised but I suppose I just can't accept what's happening, and want to know I did everything I could to save our marriage. If he can't do everything he can then I'll have to find the strength to walk away.

Vivacia Tue 05-Nov-13 15:35:32

How's it gone today Loopdaloo?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 08:35:13

It's been a tough decision but I think you've given it plenty of thought. His answer to everything seems to be to go for a drink, doesn't it? It's very frustrating for you but you'll waste a lot more of your life if you don't reject this behaviour now. Your DD will be fine I'm sure.

loopdaloo Tue 05-Nov-13 08:29:54

Feel like I just want to hide away but have to get on with it for dds. So hard.

loopdaloo Tue 05-Nov-13 08:28:39

And I have to go out soon to take dd1 to mils. God knows what I'm going to say to her, just awful.

Been reading more about alcoholism and I just know that's the root cause, and I know he won't accept any help cos he won't acknowledge it. I meant every word when I said my marriage vows and would help him through it if only he could admit that was the problem. I know you can't help anyone until they want it. So gutted

loopdaloo Tue 05-Nov-13 08:04:45

He's still in bed.

CinnamonPorridge Tue 05-Nov-13 07:12:20

loop, I hope you have told him to go.

Of course he is abusive. He even blames all the obvious signs of alcohol abuse on you (insomnia, weight loss, maybe the vertigo?) and you will be the reason he has to drink soon.

Listen to the posters who have stuck to their abusive partners for years, don't waste your life.
He is responsible for his own happiness.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 05-Nov-13 06:35:53

Good decision loop and you too wontletme xx

wontletmesignin Mon 04-Nov-13 21:53:51

i got accused of not feeding him properly, and was the cause of weightloss. it wasn't the cannabis he was smoking, or the fact that he was refusing to cook anything for himself.
he then went on to accuse me of also starving my children.

oh lets not forget i fed them on beans on toast for apparently 6 weeks!
i didn't.
he was also restricting my shopping, by only allowing me to shop at farmfoods. i don't know about others, but i cannot get everythingi need to make meals without it involving chips from farmfoods!!
then proceeded to go into huffs and argue when i defied him and went to asda

wontletmesignin Mon 04-Nov-13 21:50:05

omg. i haven't read the replies here. but please, please, find my posts if you can. under the name of sausagewaffle and smallmama as i can relate to this so much.

i have literally broke up with him this morning, and all hell has broke loose.
i also get told all of those very same things, and then other times he doesn't know what he would do without me in his life blah blah blah.

i'm going to give you the advice everybody gave me. GET OUT!
also, everybody believes him about me too. i am a manipulating, lying, lazy cunt (to use the exact word), and he never should have got with me and my 'ted bundy' kids in the first place.
i have 4 very lovely dc by the way, 1 of which is his. none of them can be related to ted bundy in the slightest. however, he can!

loopdaloo Mon 04-Nov-13 21:07:04

Another update.

So against all advice I agreed we would try again. Dh came back on the Wednesday night, things were a bit strained but he did some diy and then went to work Friday, and went for a drink after work. We had a family day on Saturday and things were great. He worked yesterday and again went for a drink. I called up to see him at work today and had had a concerned call from his mum. Accused me of telling tales and upsetting his mum when in fact I had only spoken to his sister who must've told his mum. All blew up and he informed me he would be going for a pint after work!

When he came home I told him I didn't think he could ever change and the ball was in his court. Told me how stressed he is, how he's still ill (had vertigo and was hospitalised a few months ago) and can't go on like this. I said we needed a proper trial separation and he agreed. Asked if he could be like a lodger until he found somewhere to go. I said I would go to my parents although have now decided I don't want to disrupt the girls so will tell him in the morning he needs to find a friend to stay with.

Having read numerous ea threads I know this is for the best just bloody hard. He said he can't bond with our youngest as feels she's come between us. It was all about how stressed he is, how tired and how hard he works. No acknowledgement of anything I do. And for fifi669 no its not hard to bung something in the oven but it's hard to have something ready when you don't know when they'll be home, or when they dictate what they do or don't like, or when meals are regularly wasted cos they're not eaten!

I think I have finally realised that I could be the mystical perfect wife and still it wouldn't be good enough. Doesn't make it any easier though.

fifi669 Wed 30-Oct-13 18:17:35

hells I didn't say SAHM have it easy. But yes 100% you have time to throw something in the oven, it takes 2 minutes.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 30-Oct-13 16:50:29

If I worked 7 days a week and DP was at home I'd expect him to make tea every night! Even on the busiest days as a SAHM there's time to throw something in the oven. I'd probably call him lazy too!

The OP does not get time off from the kids to hit the pub every single bloody night.
She is caring for the kids 24/7 while he works. Cleaning and usually cooking as well. BF etc....
I hate people assuming because you SAH you don't work! Arrrgghhhh.......
Sorry - just needed to get that off my chest!

fifi669 Wed 30-Oct-13 13:44:12

Best of luck OP, I think we can all tell this hasn't been an easy decision

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 09:03:23

Vivacia I would never screw him over that was just a turn of phrase to show the situation.

I didn't think you would, but you acknowledge that you could. So it seems worth considering what would be a fair arrangement so that you have it all sorted before you tell him and before things might start to get unpleasant.

Good luck telling your mum, chin up.

FriskyHenderson Wed 30-Oct-13 08:51:14

He depends on alcohol.
He drinks every day.
He drinks rather than spend time with - or money on - his family.
He's argumentative and belligerent after drinking. So, every day.
He doesn't eat properly - because he's getting his calories from alcohol.
He can't sleep - again, the alcohol.

I presume he has other low grade health issues too?

Unless he accepts he has a problem, he will not change and you will be in the same situation.

Contact Al-anon and get legal advice re separation. He does have to chose between his family and alcohol.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 08:18:32

Good luck.

loopdaloo Wed 30-Oct-13 08:16:52

Update - after oh telling me last night that when he getsback ffrom being away he's going for a pint to relax. I said we needed to talk but he doesn't want a heart to heart just wants to chill out. Doesn't seem to realise or care how serious this is.

I've made the decision to tell my mum today, once I do I don't think there's any going back. Really gutted.

fifi669 Mon 28-Oct-13 11:34:41

I think he has a problem with drink granted. Though maybe it's not a new thing as you liked a drink yourself before. It'll be hard to convince him it is a problem when it's your drinking habits that have changed and not his.

I don't know why saying he's unhappy with the situation makes him an abuser? If I worked 7 days a week and DP was at home I'd expect him to make tea every night! Even on the busiest days as a SAHM there's time to throw something in the oven. I'd probably call him lazy too!

Let's not forget OP is the one to get physical, so we need to label her as an abuser too...

You're meant to be a partnership and so that means supporting one another. No one is supporting anyone here. I understand why he says there's nothing to come home to, you sound like two people that happen to share a house.

I'm not going to apportion blame, it honestly just sounds like somewhere along the line you lost sight of each other and what made you the great couple you were. Now you're looking at each other as strangers and the frustration of losing something that meant so much to the two of you is causing arguments and frustration.

I still think your idea for a trial separation is a good one. If it feels right to give it another go, I believe you'll need to sit down and talk as calmly as possible about your flash points, your unhappiness, what needs to change and the lines that can't be crossed. You also have to mean it.

Good luck OP whichever way you go...

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 28-Oct-13 08:18:44

Where is your own tipping point here and what do you get out of this relationship now?.

So he is not a cheat, big bloody deal. That's a good thing granted but that is no compensation AT ALL for the abusive treatment he has meted out towards you and by turn the children to date.

You are dealing with someone who is and will remain unreasonable because at heart he is abusive. You can only help your own self here. I would be talking to Womens Aid in your circumstances and start making exit plans.

Your relationship has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive marriage with his alcoholism to boot.

Let your head rule your heart here. At least your parents are on side; use all means necessary to get this man out of your day to day lives.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 28-Oct-13 08:14:49

That's my point precisely. It is not unheard of for someone rationalise that they're 'separated' so that it can justify other behaviour. They're not cheating that way. Just an observation.

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