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Drifting apart - It's about my sex life

(31 Posts)
NaiveWoman Sun 27-Oct-13 18:41:59

I have slept with 2 men in my life, DH and a former boyfriend. Until recently I have never had an orgasm during sex. Not with DH, nor with the previous bf.
A combination of education/my own inhibitions stopped me from experimenting (on myself and with my partner) and neither partner was bothered by my lack of orgasms.
That is until a couple of years ago when I started to be a bit more bold. I realized I could give myself an orgasm when I am on the top. Then I started to direct DH so he learnt to give me pleasure with his hand. All good would you say?
Well since then, DH clearly is touching me because he feels he should, but he is also clearly 'bored' by it especially if I take a bit more time to warm up. So much so that, by the time I have had an orgasm, he has lost a lot of his erection sad
I am not sure what to do.... Our sex life has never been the 'wild passionate' type. Not even at the start. But I am feeling frustrated. I would like to experiment with DH. I would like to make it a better experience for both of us. But he is clearly not 'into it'. I feel like we are drifting apart and I have no idea how to bridge the gap.
What on earth can I do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 28-Oct-13 10:53:13

What you've never had you don't miss is a pretty limiting, not to say defeatist philosophy. Stay in your box? Try nothing new? Everyone is supposed to develop, learn and grow as they mature and, in a healthy relationship, everyone develops together.

anon00095689 Mon 28-Oct-13 13:04:06


I can really sympathize with you, although you are braver than me. I haven't found a way to bring up the subject at all, let alone find a position to help me achieve an orgasm during sex.

I have got as far as buying a small bullet and hiding it blush

Can I ask how you originally bought up the subject that got you as far as you are?

Thanks x

cantthinkofagoodone Mon 28-Oct-13 13:08:25

Are you interested in pleasuring him also? It obviously should be about give and take.

Talk to him about what he likes - it might just open the lines of communication so you can both explore and find what you both like.

Blueroan Mon 28-Oct-13 13:18:24

In your OP, you say that you have shown him how to give you pleasure with his hand, but that he gets "bored" if it takes a while and that he "loses a lot of his erection".
I just wonder if "bored" is the right word.

Could it be possible that he associates pleasuring you by hand, especially if it takes a while with losing "a lot of his erection". As you know, the self-fulfilling prophecy comes into play.

I am coming more and more to the view that the majority of problems in the bedroom come from fear on the part of the man of losing (or worse, not gaining) an erection.

While there are undoubtedly selfish men out there, I am less and less comfortable with the broadbrush concept of the generality of men being selfish in bed.

Some wise person once said that you can criticise most men about anything except their driving and their prowess in the sack.

The age of your DH is not clear from your OP - but the reality is that once he has peaked at eighteen or whatever, he is on a slippery slope performance-wise. A few hiccups and all kind of avoidance behaviours can start kicking into play.

I just pose the question - but is there any danger that your quest for your own orgasm (totally natural) has left your DH slightly unattended? (In posing the question, I am not looking for a specific answer from between the sheets).
But could I suggest that as each year passes, your DH will need more and more "attention". Erections do not just stand up looking at you without attention - and each birthday makes such a happening more and more of a distant memory.

Would you feel it possible that man with fully attended erection is very unlikely to get "bored". None of this is to take from your desire for your own orgasm - but there are two of you in the bed (or wherever).

At least you are not giving up on seeking an orgasm-filled life, but perhaps if you could put the focus on both of you rather than solely on your individual orgasm, the journey will be more pleasurable for both of you.

On a practical note, if you look in Amazon you will find a plethora of books which might help both yourself and hubby. Make good stocking fillers for Christmas!!!!

NaiveWoman Mon 28-Oct-13 14:46:54

anon I've actually never broached the subject as such. As I said earlier, talking can be a difficult act, whatever the subject, so I've shown him by taking his hand and directing him.
Also did that when we were away camping and we knew we could go all the way. So it was 'part of the game' so to speak.

It is hard isn't it?

NaiveWoman Mon 28-Oct-13 14:54:23

I think that DH is just as uneasy as I am was re talking about sex.
It is clear that stress and pressure will make him loose his erection. It was already like this when we met. I haven't been hard on him at the time, I am not going to be now. However we are both early 40s so I don't think we should have major issues age related.
It is also clear that him telling me what he likes is hard. Of course a BJ is appreciated. But apart from that I know little else. I did ask before and he just said 'well you will have to find the right spots' confused.
I do take your point about making it an enjoyable experience for both if us instead of concentrating on me. I have to say it does feel strange to take on the lead role when I feel so inexperienced myself!

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