Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What do you do when you see abusive STBX of a friend?

(10 Posts)
DottyboutDots Sun 27-Oct-13 11:50:15

I literally hate him. He is violent, controlling and financially abusive. He sends constant texts to my friend, demeaning her and questioning her mental health. She is a shadow of her former self. He's doing it to justify why he is shagging a new much younger model.

Last week she an i were together for two hours working on her cv. During that time i noticed that her arms are covered in bruises.

Now, we live in a small city. He is always out and abount and I'm dreading bumping into him. Other friends have done and have lent heavily on manners but he , apparently, keeps trying to maintain conversation and be charming intimidating, manipulative fucker. He believes himself to be massively successful. He works as a senior consultant and believes that he has us all hoodwinked. Have i mentioned how i hate him? smile.

We thought we say him yesterday but it wasn't him. I don't want to make thinks worse for my friend but i want him to know that i see through him so need to prepare something. I was thinking: "Please do not talk to me. I cannot talk to you. Ever." And turning my back.

tribpot Sun 27-Oct-13 11:53:58

As you say STBX I assume they are separated but not divorced? I would keep your powder dry whilst their lives are still involved, if it's going to be a messy divorce you don't need to make it any worse for her. Or - god forbid - they get back together and suddenly you're the bad guy.

I would just be minimally polite, as if he were a complete stranger. But the best favour you can do for her is to dismiss him from your lives - the fact that you hate him gives him power, which he doesn't deserve.

DottyboutDots Sun 27-Oct-13 12:50:53

So it would appear that i need to wear glasses when typing on my phone. Shocking typos there!!

He will be a cunt whatever I do. Already giving her bare minimum as per NZ law as she his a kiwi and they went back there to get married. She's too scared of him to try here so let him file for separation there. She will get 9% of his current net salary that way, as it is capped. They rent as he kept 'investing' all the cash.

I simply can't bear to let him ride the coat tails of a civil society and be tolerated so easily.

DottyboutDots Sun 27-Oct-13 12:51:26

with 3 children under 6.

tribpot Sun 27-Oct-13 13:56:30

What are your choices, though? You could tell everyone that he is an abusive shithead, that you've seen the bruises to prove it, and that he's screwing her over financially. But is that what your friend wants, even leaving aside the fact she is clearly frightened of him?

glammanana Sun 27-Oct-13 14:30:19

Dotty Why is your friends arms covered in bruises does she have him in the house or are they separated ? she should call the Police and report him for abuse and take photos of the bruises.
If I where you once you see him just turn on your heels and go the other way avoid any contact altogether he is a bully and it all comes back on them in the end.

DottyboutDots Sun 27-Oct-13 15:14:56

He 'grabs her'. I paraphrase. She doesn't want to press any charges but i took photos. Thinking back, she has had a lot of bruises for the past year or so, but passed them off as her 2 year old biting her. They never looked like bites. Now, i just don't ask but say "I see he's been grabbing you again". I've asked her to talk about boundaries in her therapy as he comes around whenever he likes. And she sleeps at a neighbour's when it's his weekend.

Honestly, I am beyond livid and just think that in RL he is getting away with absolutely heinous behaviour. Criminal, in fact. I've often thought of writing an email but WON'T as it would make it worse. He's even calling her father and brother telling them of his latest ruse weird disorder diagnosis., suggesting that they need to get her to go for an MRI scan.

Glam i just see bullies winning. tribpot it just galls me so much but she is frightened of him. He's also a black belt. I shows you that these arseholes are in all walks of life as he's white collar, 6 figure salary. She's very attractive, got a first and did a masters in europe, worked in private banking but now thinks that she is beyond useless, unemployable and unlovable. She has all these social and educational tools but he is destroying her. And people still chat to him at rugby matches. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 15:23:53

If you see these bruises again, you'd be fully justified in calling the police and reporting him. Your friend is in very real danger.

DottyboutDots Sun 27-Oct-13 15:34:19

But you just don't do you? You don't call the police over it as she certainly doesn't want you to. She is still living in fantasy land of "I wouldn't have married an arsehole, he's a good guy".

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 15:41:07

If you know someone has been assaulted, you call the police. If you saw her being assaulted in the street, you wouldn't hesitate. The fact that this man earns big bucks and that they are married.... somehow the usual rules stop applying? Sometimes it takes outside intervention for the victim to get the right help. Too many women die in DV relationships because people hear and see plenty but decide it's none of their business...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now