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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need to get out of this hell

159 replies

sadsong · 26/10/2013 17:56

If you think you know who I am in rl, please dont out me. But here I am again, perhaps 3 months on from last violent outburst. This time he punched me in the face and slapped me. Apparently it's all my fault again.

I am working my way towards leaving but finances are so entwined. I have nothing that's my own. So I'm playing the waiting game. Paying off debt and trying to make a secure financial future for my children. I believe I have about a year before I can leave.

I know you'll all say leave now. I can't yet. I will I promise I will.

This is the 3rd physically violent relationship I've been in. This one didn't become violent until we got married. I feel dead inside. If only there was enough money to leave now. But there isn't. I just wanted to feel less lonely and that is the reason I'm posting. I know the score I've been here before.

OP posts:

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:04

I'm worried for you. The outbursts are probably getting closer together and my fear is that you'll be seriously injured or dead before your year of untangling finances is up. Please don't let a few quid hold you back. Good luck

HellMouthCusty · 26/10/2013 18:05

what cogito said. you should phone women's aid and go to a shelter - they have people there who can help you sort out your finances

sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:07

It's not just a few quid it's several thousand in debt . If it's not paid before I leave it will never be paid and I will not be able to support my children. I'm not being indulging. There is no house to sell so the only way to manage is to stay put for now. I am self employed, if I go bankrupt I will not be able to work ever again. Or take on a private rental.

Life's not fair.

OP posts:

Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:08

If ss find out there is dv in your household then you will have no choice but to leave or kick him out..

That's if you live. 2 women a week die at the hands of a partner. And you plan to stay another year when you've been assaulted twice in 12 weeks. So a few more assaults to come your (and your kids) way.... For what? Money!

sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:08

Last month I paid off £1500. I can pay off the same each month.

OP posts:

sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:10

It's all very well to say money shouldn't be a reason. But if you haven't got any it is a major issue. I have 5 dc, it's not easy.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 26/10/2013 18:10

Call womens aid.

My default position on violence is to leave immediately, once violence starts it only escalates and you don't know whether you'll be alive or physically able to leave in a years time.

I'd leave now, whilst I have my health.

Purple2012 · 26/10/2013 18:10

Womens aid will help you find resources to help with all that. I get that it's hard to leave. But there may always be a reason to stay.

I hope you can find the strength to leave sooner rather than later. You deserve to live free of fear and so do your children.

Optimist1 · 26/10/2013 18:12

As ever, Cogito has it spot on. Each day closer to financial independence will be another day when you're living in fear of a further assault and another day when your children see their mother as a victim of this man. Some things are more valuable than money. Please do all possible to extricate yourself without further delay.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:14

Why would you be unable to service the debt if you left? I don't understand. Have you spoken to someone like CAB about your specific circumstances?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:15

If you're self-employed can't you do your job from another location?

PatoBanton · 26/10/2013 18:15

If I win the lottery tonight pet, it's yours.

In the meantime please do ring them and seek some financial advice, they must encounter women with this same issue all the time.

susanalbumparty · 26/10/2013 18:15

Please an I ask why you have to stay put in order to pay off the debt?

I don't know your full situation but I do think you need to prioritise yourself over the money. Do you have family you could go to?

sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:16

I think you've all forgotten I've been here before unfortunately. I know the drill. I'm not deluded. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to wait.

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Wallison · 26/10/2013 18:16

Money can be sorted out. But you cannot be brought back to life, and what would your children do then? You need to get out, fast, now, and do what you can about the money when you are away from someone who is violent towards you. There are lots of ways that debt can be dealt with without going bankrupt. You can agree payment plans for minimal amounts etc. You do not need to stay until you are debt-free - you can be in debt but be living apart from a man who hits you, and I would say that that is a better option. Women's Aid and the CAB can tell you, down to how much money to pay off each month, how to get your creditors off your back. Please leave him now, and take your children with you.

BillyBanter · 26/10/2013 18:18

I realise you don't feel you can leave yet but why not phone women's aid, tell them about your situation and see if they have any advice on what you might be able to do to extricate yourself sooner while minimising the financial implications that you fear?

No harm in finding out what your options are, eh?

Spirulina · 26/10/2013 18:19

Social services will get involved. You'll have NO choice then

This is actually classed as child abuse. You are exposing your kids to it and intend to keep them exposed for another year? Doesn't matter how many kids you have ( I also have 5) just don't minimise this

PatoBanton · 26/10/2013 18:19

Well if you just want company then that is fine, we can hold your hand. We can't protect you though. For some of us that means it is a bit painful to read your story and know that you're in for it again in a few weeks' time.

I am glad you have decided to go at some point. But I hope you bring it forward.

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 18:19

I wonder too whether CAB can offer some much needed advice. They were brilliant and free when I went to them a couple of years ago, about a unrelated matter to yours.
I did have to make an appointment for about a week in advance, and they were only open on certain days, but when I went there, they knew their stuff and gave me all the time and help that I needed.

ICameOnTheJitney · 26/10/2013 18:21

Is it because you don't want the DC living in a hostel? I wouldn't either...I think this idea puts a lot of women off leaving. They worry that the hostel will be rough...that it will be in the wrong area for the school run or work....all those things.

sadsong · 26/10/2013 18:22

If I leave today I will go bankrupt. I am no good to my children then anyway, if I can't support them.

OP posts:

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 18:23

You want some handholding as well dont you? I will handhold.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:23

I'm certainly not accusing you of being deluded. I'm just concerned that you're in very real and present danger and I don't think the risk of defaulting on a loan is as high as the risk of being seriously injured in the next 12 months

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 18:24

Why would leaving mean you were bankrupt? And have you actually researched what bankrupt means in practice. From what I've seen, it's not a barrier to anything very much these days.

Badvoc · 26/10/2013 18:24

No amount of money will compensate your dc for your life.
You don't have to wait.
You are choosing to.
If SS get involved - which they will eventually - you may lose much more than a few ££££.
Phone women's aid.
Take some control.

Flip

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