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IABU but Why am I so upset about this?

(184 Posts)
ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 02:01:07

DP just came into our room,I was asleep.
I'm 8 months pregnant,I have SPD and I'm in a lot of pain,he knew I'd been having trouble sleeping and that my legs ached.

He woke me up by pulling at the duvet which was wound between my legs,I'd finally found a comfortable position and fallen asleep about 30 mins previously.
I asked him to stop but he wouldn't,he kept pulling at it,shouting at me that he wanted it,he was cold and he needed it. I said to get another from the cupboard. This wasn't good enough for him and he kept pulling at the duvet,ripping it out from under me.
I was half asleep and confused and hurt,it hurt my hips a lot when he pulled the duvet away and i grabbed it back and yelled at him to go away. He still wouldn't let go and wouldn't leave.
I was freaked out,I screamed at him to get out. By this time he had the duvet he'd pulled it away really aggressively.I was on the bed completely exposed still half asleep and,quite frankly frightened. He kept yelling at me.
I screamed for him to get out about 6 times and i actually slapped him before he finally did.
I cannot stop crying and shaking.
I know I acted like a nutcase,but I don't understand why he did this?
Why wouldn't he leave when I was obviously upset?
Why didn't he care that he was scaring me?
Why did he want the duvet so much that he was willing to wake me up by pulling it off me and shouting at me? There are plenty of other duvets and blankets etc.
I don't even understand why I acted the way I did,I've never hit anyone in my life,but I felt totally helpless and I just wanted to make him leave.
He pretended to cry when he left,it was really obviously not real crying and he was acting so oddly. I just don't understand.

I can't sleep,I'm so shaken up by the whole,weird incident. Its so ridiculous. It's just a freaking duvet.

Someone tell me WTF just happened and why I'm so upset.please.
Please don't flame me,I know I acted badly. I feel like a nutcase.

whitsernam Sat 26-Oct-13 02:04:58

I don't think you're nuts, and I don't have any answers, but just wanted to let you know someone does not think you're nuts. I hope you can relax and somehow get back to sleep....

uptheanty Sat 26-Oct-13 02:05:51

I think you may have been so upset because your partner was being unkind to you.
He woke you when you were sleeping and acted aggressively before humiliating you by leaving you exposed.
I feel very sorry for you, the behaviour is even worse due to the fact that you are obv quite vulnerable at the moment.

Hope you're ok?

lubeybooby Sat 26-Oct-13 02:08:09

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, you were asleep and he was the aggressive one frightening and hurting you. It isn't right for him to treat you like that.

Does he realise your pain and discomfort and how difficult it is to get comfy and sleep?

Would he treat anyone else like that? I doubt it

Has he done anything like this before?

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 02:09:21

Thankyou you for replying. It means a lot.
I can't stop crying,I'm hormonal central ATM. I can't sleep,I don't want him here,I've never felt like that about him before. sad

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 02:13:53

No,he hasn't.
We had a small argument earlier today and I brought up some things he'd promised me he'd do that he hasn't done. Then he went out with his friend to the pub. He came back and was perfectly nice,I said I was in pain and I was having trouble getting to sleep,he said he hoped I could get comfy soon and was sympathetic,then he went back downstairs and at some point I managed to fall asleep. The next thing I know he's pulling the duvet out from under my legs saying I don't need it because I'm not even underneath it,and he needs it. He yanked it really hard,my hips hurt. I feel ridiculous.

lubeybooby Sat 26-Oct-13 02:17:20

I feel all emotional for you tbh. I remember how upsetting small things could be for me when I was 8 months gone and this isn't a small thing. I can't stress enough that you did nothing wrong.

He could have not woken you at all and sorted out another cover, he could have gently woken you and asked about it - there was no need for him to be so unkind.

I don't mean to alarm you but I have heard that domestic violence often starts or escalates during pregnancy when women are more vulnerable.

If he is anything other than genuinely mortified and apologetic in the extreme tomorrow - that is not right and huge warning sign.

and if this isn't the first time then please stay safe and seek some help

lubeybooby Sat 26-Oct-13 02:20:12

ok.. don't feel ridiculous. It wasn't you. He could have easily sorted it out himself or kindly asked you for another cover if he couldn't find one himself.

Don't let him get away with it or turn it around on you.

I really hope he understands how unacceptable his behavior was.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 02:26:30

It helps so much just to have someone 'here' and sort through my thoughts.
I'm starting to calm down a bit,I doubt I'll sleep for a while but I'm not shaking anymore.
It all feels so surreal.

TopHatAndTails Sat 26-Oct-13 02:28:06

That is very strange behaviour confused Could he have been taking drugs? I can't for the life of me think why anyone would wake someone they loved in such a mean way. Let alone a dp who is 8 months pregnant with their dc, struggling to sleep and in pain. I hope he is very very sorry op but be careful and stay safe as other posters have said this is a major alarm bell.

Ginocchio Sat 26-Oct-13 03:05:00

Are you sure he'd only just come in / was fully awake? It sounds a very strange thing to do, so I wonder whether he had semi-woken & started doing it, or was doing it in his sleep iyswim?

Hope you're feeling more calm now, and manage to get some sleep.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 03:26:35

I can't be sure,he might have fallen asleep downstairs and then come up.

But he was obviously awake when refusing to leave the room,and was acting really strangely. Pretending(?) he didn't understand why I was upset,he kept saying "why are you acting like this?!" "I want to sleep in my bed!" he's not normally particularly bothered about sleeping in 'his' bed,he normally falls asleep on the sofa...(this was after I'd asked him to leave about 6 times)
I think the strength that he used pulling the duvet away shocked me,I've never felt so helpless.
I can't sleep,my hips hurt and my legs ache,I can't find a comfortable position again,I dont think he realises how hard it is to find a position to sleep in. I was comfortable for the first time all day,I was actually not hurting and able to sleep deeply.

The DC will be up at 6,he's going to work at 7. I ŵont cope on this amount of sleep.i wish I could just fall asleep.

He's just come into the room to use the en suite,he didn't say a word,neither did I. He's gone back downstairs.

verysomething Sat 26-Oct-13 03:40:08

itcantbe agree with other posters, it sounds very strange and it must have been awful for you. Hopefully it was one of those things that happen in the middle of the night, I'm not suggesting he was sleepwalking - but sometimes things that happen to us in the depths of sleep that seem so strange at the time have an innocent explanation (and don't feel so disturbing) in the light of day? confused

really hope you can talk about it with him tomorrow and it doesn't seem so bad. Try the "I had the strangest dream last night, did this actually happen?" line of inquiry maybe.

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER Sat 26-Oct-13 03:52:02

Oh dear that sounds so horrible for you sad

What's he like normally? Will you be able to talk to him about it tomorrow and explain what he did mass you feel scared, vulnerable, humiliated, and physically hurt.

People can be really rude/ nasty/ aggressive when they've been woken up, but it doesn't sound like he was woken up if he managed to come upstairs and into your room and then start being weird... Maybe he was sleepy but it ms not enough to blame it on sleep brain & dismiss it, he needs to understand that it was frightening and nasty.


redcaryellowcar Sat 26-Oct-13 03:54:58

Yanbu if that is what you asked, it sounds really odd to me, in similar scenario in our house, dh would probably try snuggling up to me, and persuade me to relinquish a bit of duvet, if none forthcoming, i suspect he would retreat to the spare room!
We also have spare blankets etc, but think if he knew i was in pain, he would be a lot kinder than your dp (think he should be kinder irrespective how much discomfort you are in?)

ohHelpWhatnext Sat 26-Oct-13 04:43:12

YANBU in the slightest!

SourSweets Sat 26-Oct-13 06:23:00

YANBU, and you didn't act badly. You were in pain, half asleep and vulnerable.

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour at all, but to me it sounds like he was sleepwalking. If he's not done anything like that before and you've mentioned a few times it's how odd his behaviour was. Alcohol can affect sleep in very strange ways. Talk to him tomorrow and see what he remembers of it.

If he was fully conscious when he did it though, I agree that it's a big red flag and he need to know you will not be treated like that ever again.

I hope you're comfortable sand asleep now.

verysomething Sat 26-Oct-13 06:27:44

^ this ^ what soursweets said

ThoRAVENomiki Sat 26-Oct-13 06:39:14

That sounds awful. You say he hurt you (with the duvet) and made you feel vulnerable so don't feel bad for slapping him. You did it in self-defence. I can't believe someone would treat someone they love that way. The usual response, to seeing someone you care about sleeping soundly, is to cover them up and find yourself a different cover not take away their comfort.

I hope you managed to get back to sleep.

MrsMangoBiscuit Sat 26-Oct-13 06:49:46

Agree with all the posters who have said YANBU, at all, not even remotely. Maybe he was sleep walking/talking, DH does it on occasion, and he's not the same person when he does, it can be quite scary. If it was sleep walking, and it was prompted by alcohol, then I suggest he needs to go tee total while sharing a house with a heavily pregnant woman, or tiny baby. If it wasn't sleep walking then he's a complete arsehole for behaving like that.

Please don't offer him the "excuse" of sleep walking when you speak to him though. If he was, he won't remember the incident. He'll probably only hazily remember anything that happened after he woke, so will possibily think that he tried to come to bed and you just shouted at him for no reason.

I hope you're feeling a bit better now, and that you've managed to get some sleep.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 26-Oct-13 06:51:56

sad that sounds horrible!

I think you need to tell home exactly why you reacted the way you did. Basically, you need to tell him exactly as you did on your op.

I hope you got some sleep and I hope you get an apology from him

mammadiggingdeep Sat 26-Oct-13 06:52:13

* him

cloudskitchen Sat 26-Oct-13 07:22:02

I hope you got some sleep in the end. YARBU at all. Did he carry on drinking when he got in? I hope hevis very apologetic today.

MrsWolowitz Sat 26-Oct-13 07:24:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Sat 26-Oct-13 08:27:45

He wasn't being very nice to you, although I can understand he needed something to sleep under.

That said, it doesn't mean he can upset you & frighten you.

Perhaps tonight ask him to get another quilt down & put it on the bed & have one each. I know how important it is to comfortable as I too suffered with SPD.

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