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DM being negative.

(27 Posts)

My DM is being negative towards me about my wedding. I have no idea why.

So we got engaged last year. DM said okay. Wanted to know why DP hadn't asked her permission etc. Anyway, after all that, she was fine. Said she wanted help out financially. Also offered that she would try and arrange use of a family farm (they hold functions a lot)

I fell pregnant & was quite unwell (hyperemesis) So we put off for a year.

Now I have had dd and all fine, we decided to start planning a couple of months ago.

Except DM is either negative or refuses to talk about it. confused I would discuss it and she would change the subject.

Some lots of examples:

She went to the family farm for an event they had there. Did not tell me to come along, but offered to take my 2 DS. Fine. Bit confused why we weren't invited, but got boys ready & off they all went. I said I wanted to ask about farm, would she mind? Anyway they got back, asked how it all went etc (the day out) Then mentioned the use of it. She says she didn't ask & wasn't a good idea to.

Another time, I showed her a dry hire barn. Quite a good deal. She just asks me how on earth am I going to afford that.(said in an incredulous way) So obviously, I completely understand that she is entitled to change her mind about her offer of financial help. Just thought she would tell me in an adult discussion.

Me & DP mentioned a wedding show we were going to. DM said that she would come instead & DP could stay with DC. So next day waited & waited. No show. Rang her & she just spoke about other things.

Told her we were going to look around venues whilst we were deep in gossip on the phone. She said 'Hmm. Okay. Got to go. Bye' Then hung up the phone.

So I left it for ages to mention it again as it's bloody hurtful. We decided to just make the best of it re the budget we have. Best man offered us a venue. Had some lovely help on here. Start to feel good about it all again.

So start to mention it to DM again. She puts down everything I say about it. everything is shit basically. None of it is good enough & it sounds like she thinks the whole thing is tacky. She says I'm not capable of organising a wedding.

Has anyone experienced this at all? Its just horrible & she brings me to tears regarding how 'shit' she thinks its going to be.

wine if you manged to get through all of that.

managed obviously blush

PrincessKitKat Fri 25-Oct-13 10:00:55

I think I'd have to have it out with her. Ask her upfront what her problem is and why she's being so bloody spiteful. You could write her a letter or email if she refuses to talk.

Something has changed since the arrival of your DC. Has anything kicked off between you & DP or any family bust-ups?

No, no family bust up.

DM was like this before regarding a christening we had. Stropped about the Godmother and all sorts. Was so awful, I cancelled before I had even sent invites. And that was just a buffet in a pub for immediate family & Godparents. Should of been simple to sort. Was. It. Fuck.

pictish Fri 25-Oct-13 10:34:41

OP - to be brutally frank, I think she just enjoys playing with you. She gets something out of it. I don't know.

My advice - remove her from the equation entirely. Organise your own thing and send her an invite when it's all set. Don't talk about it, don't seek her enthusiasm or approval...just do what you see fit and within your own constraints.

I think she sounds like very hard work and so hurtful too. If at all possible you should think about weaning yourself off her hold over you. You obviously love her and want her to be happy for's normal to seek that from your parent. Her response is not normal, and truly, it is nothing you have done. xxx

oldgrandmama Fri 25-Oct-13 10:47:27

Agree with Pictish - sounds like she gets a kick out of playing with your head. And Pictish's second paragraph is excellent advice - do your own thing, don't 'share' with mother what you're doing, and just invite her when it's all fixed.

And yes, it's NOT you, it's HER. Whatever her problem is, please don't let her blight what should be the happiest occasion for you.

pictish It is hurtful. I just don't understand.

I am going to organize it all. I just want her to say something nice about it. To be honest I think I am just disappointed. After talking to her I feel deflated about it all.

However at least it's only when I mention it that this happens. With the christening, it was the only thing I heard about. Everything I did was wrong, the Godmother pissed her off (no idea how, as she hasnt seen her in years) It was a continuous conversation. It never ended. She would get shirty with me over little things and was obsessed with getting it done.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 25-Oct-13 10:50:41

What Pictish wrote.

Your mother does this because she can and also gets a rise out of it. This is about power and control. My guess too is that she makes a drama out of everything and it all has to be about her and what she wants. I would no longer tell her anything or give her any say or part in your future wedding service.

If she is narcissistic in terms of personality it is really not possible to have any sort of relationship with her.

She's normally very lovely. Just don't get it. Sometimes she will be this way and who knows why she does.

PrincessKitKat Fri 25-Oct-13 12:20:56

Is she like this with everyone or just you? I mean, is she the type that everyone tiptoes round & makes allowances for?

Sounds like she can't stand not being the centre of attention & having her own way.

I don't think she's like this with my Dsis. Or DB. When we were round there a few weeks ago, my DSis was there too. I sat in the Garden with them and listened to them talking about the song Dsis would like playing when she walks up the aisle. They were playing it on the phone and discussing it all. No mention of the real life wedding that I am having.

Dsis is not engaged. She is single

Holdthepage Fri 25-Oct-13 13:57:26

Why don't you just ask her, in a non confrontational way, what her problem is with your wedding plans? If she denies there is a problem she will not be able to be negative in future will she?

Sometimes it is better to face things head on rather than speculate what people's motives are. She may have taken the huff with something you or your partner have said or done in the past but unless you ask you will never know.

Ask her about her offer of a financial contribution & whether it is still there as this will clearly affect your choices for the wedding.

The direct approach is what is needed here.

Cleorapter Fri 25-Oct-13 14:04:49

Ask her what her problem is.

It does seem like she's deliberately putting it down and considering she's done this before regarding your christening I'm betting it's because she cannot stand not being centre of attention.

Sorry she's acting this way, it sucks to have someone be so negative about something so important to you.

I don't think I can make myself ask her. I think she will say I'm reading into nothing. Then I will feel awkward every time I want to bring it up.

* Bring up the wedding

Jan45 Fri 25-Oct-13 15:08:01

Are you sure she actually agrees with you marrying this man?

29chapel Fri 25-Oct-13 15:14:01

^^ what jan45 said.

I think you have to find out OP - it's really mean and hurtful. Sending you wine

I think it's a bit late if she doesn't approve of him. We've been together 6 years.
Also, last year, once she was okay about him not asking her permission, then she was saying it was about time etc.

Meerka Fri 25-Oct-13 16:54:56

would it be time to speak plainly? she clearly really wants to drag you down over this. Asking her to stop it, at this stage, seems a good idea. And if she denies it, then you know that you've not made it up and in this one area, she is not going to be reasonable or supportive ... and like others have said cut her out of the loop. Make it a done deal.

I know you want her input and her to be supportive and loving but she isnt going to be. Have you got a best friend instead who can be the one you talk to?

Its a bit concerning that you're actually afraid to ask her what on earth is up. Her disapproval has got a lot of power over you but you -are- a grown adult woman making her own life.

VikingLady Fri 25-Oct-13 22:06:00

Do you think she feels she's lost control of you a bit, now you have a DC? So she is trying to cut you back down to size?

PrincessKitKat Fri 25-Oct-13 22:19:04

I agree with Meerka - it's quite worrying that you really don't feel you can ask her to justify her behaviour.

She's done some very odd and obvious things (making you miss the wedding show, withdrawing financial support). You're clearly not making that up, it happened, and you have every right to address it.

She's your Mum, but she's also out of line and you don't deserve to be treated this way. What's the saying? 'what you allow is what will continue' - if you want to be treated better, it's up to you to say something.

NeedlesCuties Sat 26-Oct-13 07:22:58

I agree with the suggestion that your choice of husband might be her problem...

Or does she have any issues relating to her own marriage/wedding from the past?

Might be a bitterness there, which is coming out now.

Either way, it sounds hard work for you.

RegTheMonkey Sat 26-Oct-13 10:36:28

Just organise it all how you want it, and as others have said, send her invite at the appropriate time. You're a grown up mother and soon-to-be wife, you don't need your mother's approval any more. And what's with this 'asking her permission?' Does she think it's 1813 and not 2013????

Yes, I think you're all correct. I'm going to do as suggested & just keep planning.

I don't know what else to do really.

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