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2 hours sleep and raging. aibvu?

(59 Posts)
NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 09:07:20

I will try and be brief.

DP has recently started going out regularly to play a sport with a mate. I am pleased as lasr few years have been tough in lots of ways. However we agreed he comes back before 11 latest as
We have 3 dcs, inc 2 toddlers
it's a work/school night
I have a neurological condition which I am being treated for with a very strong drug. I have to take it to get better, I was v ill for 4 and a half years before diagnosis. The side effects include extreme tiredness, increased appetite and mood swings. I am also on a v restricted diet and have been told to avoid stress, tiredness wherever possible. Dp knows this.
I also have a long history of anxiety/insomnia but the drug helps this.

So last night DP went out promising to be back for 1030 as I'd slept badly the night before, it's a school night and I had a hectic day by my standards with orthodontist for ds1, lunch with friend whose father is v ill, then I'd arranged for the first time to see another friend for a quick catch up in the evening, the first time we would be able to ever see each other without children.

So, 11 o clock, 12 o clock, 1 o clock. No sign. I have sent lots of texts and tried calling mobile loads. Really realky worried now as dp NEVER does this. So I wake teenage ds1 and ask him to listen out for little ones while I drive up to where ge is with my mobile, searching the streets for a body passed out on the pavement on the way. Lights are on where he is then go off and he stumbles out barely able to walk. Finds the whole thing funny.

Dp goes to sleep on sofa. I lay awake fuming and worrying how I will cope because without being too specific if I get overtired I get really ill.

So dp wakes up this morning saying sorry, but he has to go to work and I have to get on with it with the kids despite being fucked because of him.

To top it all the other guy's wife texted this am saying "boys will be boys". Really? Am I supposed to just suck it up be cause dp has a penis?

I have cancelled lunch (can barely stand up) and will have to cancel seeing my friend this evening.

How to I handle this? am I just being a twat because I am exhausted? I raged at dp this morning but he wouldn't stay and help despite knowing ds has to go to the orthodontist and I'm not safe to drive?

please be gentle if I am bu.

bestsonever Thu 24-Oct-13 11:44:07

I'm sorry your parents were so bad, I hope you are or can get supportive counselling to help deal with it all as, at the moment you are letting the past continue to define your adult present to a large degree. I was never the favoured child of the family but somewhere along the line its time to realise that it says more about the parents than the child and that they are wrong and your life is worth as much as anyone else's - even more important one becomes when have own children. Healthy for parents' opinions to count much less as time goes on, especially if still obnoxious, cut contact. I have a closer relationship and more respect for how I am by my parents than either of my siblings these days I think, they are forgiven for being wrong.

Lovecat Thu 24-Oct-13 11:47:10

bestsonever, that's not helpful.

OP, having read your later posts I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are not that 17 year old girl anymore and those who made you feel that way at that age are scumbags.

I too would be cross with DH if he'd pulled this stunt. Having made an arrangement and knowing that you are unwell, it is unbelieveably inconsiderate of him to then a) break the arrangement and b) not reply to your calls/texts c) call you himself to tell you that he'd be late/things had changed. That's just basic manners and consideration. Both of which EVERYONE deserves.

It sounds like you've got a lot going on in your life at the moment but have you considered some counselling for your feelings of low self-worth? It might help you get some perspective on that because I doubt for one minute you are ugly, stupid or worth fuck all (and I hate that I've just had to type that even to deny it). I think you've had to deal with a horrendous amount of shit in your life and it's about time you looked after yourself (and got your DP to step up to help with this). I think (but don't quote me) that CBT is effective for helping with entrenched negative thought patterns.

Lovecat Thu 24-Oct-13 11:47:55

Aargh, x-post. Not your post above mine, the one before it about having 2 more children.

lookingfoxy Thu 24-Oct-13 12:34:54

Hi im just wondering why you didn't just go to bed instead of sitting waiting for him.

I'd be tempted to text this to the other wife, NightScentedStock:

"Yes, boys will be boys. But dh is not a boy - he is a man, with three small children, a wife who is struggling with severe health problems and needs her sleep if she is not to become really ill again, and a job to go to in the morning. So he should have been a bit more bloody responsible."

You are not at all unreasonable to be so cross about this - and I just hope that you can get some decent rest today, and that you feel a bit better.

lemonstartree Thu 24-Oct-13 14:02:56

sorry OP but I think you are being a bit oTT and controlling

your 'illness' (and again , sorry, but it really grates me that 'people' use 'illness' as a reason to control what their partner does) has not stopped you having 2 children ?

if you do not sleep you will be tired just like the rest of us. It will not mean you go into a decline (and dont quite illness at me again) .

You say he 'never;' does this - so chill down if ONCE he has - even prisoners get time off for good behaviour

Lovecat Thu 24-Oct-13 14:36:24

Whoa, lemonstartree. Let's hope you're never 'ill', eh?

Some people on here latelyl seem to have had an empathy bypass...

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 14:43:52

Good thinking SDTG. I will a bit later.

No chance of a proper rest today. Boys have outgrown naps.

Foxy I didn't go toebed because he promised to be back at 1030 so as time went on I got more anxious. Things always seem worse at night. Also many years something happened to me on my way home so it is something I can't seem to help worrying about.

Thank you lovecat for your kind words. I've had cbt before but it's finding the time as I have no family support whatsoever. .

elskovs my hectic day was today, sorry op wasnt clear. Meeting a friend for a quick lunch after the orthodontist with my 2 toddlers is not easy, trust me. But I hoped to see my friend as she works v hard and her darling pa is dying so I wanted to try and be a bit supportive as she's veen an amazing friend. As for the evening that would have been after the children were in bed and the chores were done, seeing a friend who has had a lot on recently. I neger usually go out. Both have been cancelled today because of dps fuckwittery imo.

thank you clutter

best. Here's how. I had desperately wanted another child for 10 years. I was getting to an ages where complications were more likely. It was very consuming. I adore children. I wanted something positive in my life to look forward to.. I loved my partner. I hoped I would get better. I am impetuous. My best friend had recently died of breast cancer and it frightened me so I was all for carpe diem and it has been an incredibke if hard hard journey. We weren't to know thwt at 20 weeks with ds2 we would be told there were anomolies on the scan, and he was already high risk for downs. Since ds2s birth he has needed lots of unforeseen extra care but he is wonderful and his milestones are special beyond compare. Ds3 came along by accident and had reflyx, again this made things harder but somehow we survived. Perhaps dp does feel suffocated but I am doing my best. I did all the night wakings for over 3 years, plus all the london hospital trips alone for ds2s extra care. I have been drowning in stuff too.Along with ds1 doing the 11 plus. Ultimately I had the kids because they gave me hope and more happiness than I knew what to do with. Try not to judge when you havent presumably been chronically ill with an undiagnosed problem that is rare so most specialists don't know what it is. It was pretty soul destroying not knowing what was wrong with me and spending years wondering if I would ever have the energy to do anything fun again,

Becool dp doesn't have an alcohol issue but he behaves like an idiot when he's drunk, it's not a good drunk iykwim. And he used to binge drink in the early days and it was the only time we argued.

Thank you cogito, I will try hard to fake it until I make it, I've lurked on mumsnet for ages and although I dont always like hearing it how it is I appreciate what you say and value your honest opinion. I used to act more confid3ntly, but one day dp and I had a big row and it triggered something in me about some bad stuff and it has made me feel vulnerable that he knows things I never wanted him to hear. It just came out when I lost it completely as to why I struggled to trust him or any man.

I really do appreciate everone taking the time to post, it's v helpful.


redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 14:51:19

I have a friend that can't work now due to her illness and she is tired a lot and knows her body well. I sympathise with you - you sounded stressed last night. I am sorry he didn't call/text you but you need to sleep . He's a grown up and you have Dc's to look after. You aren't his mum. I would have been tempted to send him a text saying 'I've gone to bed - hope you're not stuck in a ditch - speak to you tomorrow'.

My kids df (ex now) never took time off to be with us. I vividly remember standing at the front door with 2 small Dc's - I was crying, saying I can't manage - it was the first day of the school holidays and all he could muster - as he walked down the garden path - was "good luck".

Least your DH doesn't sound like that - and it's good he has a sports hobby . Everyone needs an outlet. You sleep and maybe over the weekend have that quiet talk with him.

Ps being stopped by a bobby for being over the limit the morning after a binge is a very realistic possibility. Not funny.

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 14:53:44

Fucking hell lemon. I am not trying to control him, I would like him to show me the same courtesy I would show him or any other human being. If you are going to be 3 hours late its common courtesy to let that person know, partner or otherwise. And actually yes I won't get better unless I am really careful now and for the rest of my life, I will always have to have a very very restricted diet and no alcohol, plus avo7d tiredness and stress as much as possible and other stuff as these trigger the problem again in my brain and upset something inmy brain stem. IIt's scary and horrible and I don't want to get really ill again as it is unfair on the rest of the family.

cestlavielife Thu 24-Oct-13 16:30:49

make sure he has ICE (in case of mergency) in his phone so you know that if he i s picked up by police/ambulance they will call you.

you much more likely to hear if somehting has happened than not.

so no news is good news means he just being an inconsiderate twat.

if he no back again - go to bed.

but have calm conversation about managing our illness, what help you need, getting paid help or social services if you need extra help eg i ds has disability you can ask for carers assessment and your illness would be taken into account.

lemonstartree Thu 24-Oct-13 17:41:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 19:10:35

Speaking as someone with a masters degree in twatology, I must say I think you need to go on a refresher course lemon, as there seem to be some oatches in your vast knowledge

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 19:33:44

Feel forced to defend myself now, as I have done for years with people telling me or suggesting that I just need to get out more and do more exercise, or take some antidepressants (gps advice) That's the other crappy thing, no one believing you because it's invisible, vague and could be mistaken for Anxiety/depression, and unless you have all the pieces of the jigsaw, like my wonderful consultant, it doesn't add up.

I have a condition which comes under the umbrella of neurology and another specialty. There's one guy who specialises in this group of illnesses (and yes they are real) and he is based in the south east.

It involves migraines, dizziness, nausea, tiredness, sometimes vomiting, ear symptoms. Sufferers have dizziness/tiredness/nausea symptoms pretty much all the time. Many are pretty much housebound and have to give up work, it often leads to depression. My consultant literally gave me my life back, before treatment walking for half an hour would mean horrible dizziness and tiredness for the rest of the day, but I do and will have to be careful, especially while my brain is recovering from it. I can't play eg a game of tennis, I can't walk any distance fast. I have to do special exercises with my eyes/head every day to help reset the bits of my brain that don't control balance properly back to normal.

I will pm anyone the name of it and my consultant if you want to be more confident that I am not some malingering control freak.

staggered by yor unpleasantness lemon. It's remarks like yours that drive people already upset away from other wonderful supportive posters on mumsnet


cloudskitchen Thu 24-Oct-13 20:00:28

That sounds absolutely horrible. I hope the kids are in bed now and you can relax. I haven't read the whole thread but hope orthodontist appointment went well and that you and your naughty husband are speaking again. My husband used to do this from time to time and I'd get stressed if I couldn't get hold of him (long after he was due back!) because although you know really they're just propping up some bar your mind goes into overdrive. I hope you have a great nights sleep tonight.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 20:16:51

It's tiring enough looking after chasten anyway...let also r with your illness.

He was a twat. He should have text you to let you know whAt time he's be home. It is rude and inconsiderate that he didn't...however, I think that's the only thing he's done wrong.

He is entitled to have a spontaneous late night if he wants. I think you should've text him an arsey text, gone to bed and then been a bit cross this morning. You driving around looking for him wasn't going to help your tiredness and not really fair to wake ds up. I know you said dh doesn't normally stay that late so you were worried but did you call his phone? It was only 2 hours late...I don't think I would r started thinking something g terrible had happened Fter 2 hours.

I'm not being critical I'm just trying to put another perspective to you.

Hope you're ok and not too stressed about it all.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 20:17:38

* tiring looking after children, let alone with your illness...

Clutterbugsmum Thu 24-Oct-13 20:23:30

"lemonstartree Thu 24-Oct-13 17:41:08
speaking as someone with a very very large amount of knowledge of neurology I must say I have never heard of such an 'illness'" Well I for hope to god you are not a doctor with you complete lack of care and understanding that maybe you don't know everything.


You do not have to explain anything about your condition to anyone on here. We all have times when that one thing completely blows everything and anything out of all proportion.

Hope you fell better today after a quite day.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 20:25:20

I agree lemon, your posts haven't been helpful... It's not your place to question the op's illness.

Icantstopeatinglol Thu 24-Oct-13 20:43:57

Nightscented Yadnbu!! I would be very annoyed at my dh if he'd done what your dh has done! I have small 2dc and I also have an 'illness' which is made worse with stress/tiredness so I know how you feel.
I think the bottom line is regardless of what you had planned the next day you had an agreement with dh and he broke that. The dc are both your responsibilities and he also knows your health issues so should have been more thoughtful. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson and it won't happen again.
It's hard living with something that noone can physically see and I find it hard that its my stupid body that's acting in this way so it's noones fault it's just the way it is. You have my every sympathy.
I hope dh comes home full of apologies and you can get on with your gorgeous dc and forget this whole episode thanks

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 20:50:33

OP, I am not doubting your illness, but when dh went out if I wanted to then I went to bed. If you had something bad happen to you once when out then I can understand you are extra anxious, but that doesn't make dh unreasonable.
I wonder if he has felt the need to let off steam from the stress of your horrid illness and really thought that you would be fast asleep and he wouldn't be causing you a problem?
I'm glad you are starting to find the treatment for you illness and hope that you continue to be able to cope, but I don't think he was unreasonable, I don't think you should have disturbed dd and I don't think you should have gone out to look for him.

I hope you sort this out and don't feel let down by him again.xx I hope you are feeling better nowxx

lemonstartree Thu 24-Oct-13 21:46:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonstartree Thu 24-Oct-13 21:54:02

and you are right. This is not helpful. I have asked for my posts to be deleted.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 21:56:19

What's the point of posting that 9 minutes after the most unhelpful and judgemental post I've sen in a long time.

Icantstopeatinglol Thu 24-Oct-13 21:59:54

lemon if you're a neurologist how can you make assumptions on someone with absolutely no facts whatsoever???
Jesus I hope I never have to see you!! Absolute joke, that seriously worries me!
People do actually have genuine illnesses that require a bit of care and support from their partners. If you don't understand that I think you're in the wrong job!

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