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2 hours sleep and raging. aibvu?

(59 Posts)
NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 09:07:20

I will try and be brief.

DP has recently started going out regularly to play a sport with a mate. I am pleased as lasr few years have been tough in lots of ways. However we agreed he comes back before 11 latest as
We have 3 dcs, inc 2 toddlers
it's a work/school night
I have a neurological condition which I am being treated for with a very strong drug. I have to take it to get better, I was v ill for 4 and a half years before diagnosis. The side effects include extreme tiredness, increased appetite and mood swings. I am also on a v restricted diet and have been told to avoid stress, tiredness wherever possible. Dp knows this.
I also have a long history of anxiety/insomnia but the drug helps this.

So last night DP went out promising to be back for 1030 as I'd slept badly the night before, it's a school night and I had a hectic day by my standards with orthodontist for ds1, lunch with friend whose father is v ill, then I'd arranged for the first time to see another friend for a quick catch up in the evening, the first time we would be able to ever see each other without children.

So, 11 o clock, 12 o clock, 1 o clock. No sign. I have sent lots of texts and tried calling mobile loads. Really realky worried now as dp NEVER does this. So I wake teenage ds1 and ask him to listen out for little ones while I drive up to where ge is with my mobile, searching the streets for a body passed out on the pavement on the way. Lights are on where he is then go off and he stumbles out barely able to walk. Finds the whole thing funny.

Dp goes to sleep on sofa. I lay awake fuming and worrying how I will cope because without being too specific if I get overtired I get really ill.

So dp wakes up this morning saying sorry, but he has to go to work and I have to get on with it with the kids despite being fucked because of him.

To top it all the other guy's wife texted this am saying "boys will be boys". Really? Am I supposed to just suck it up be cause dp has a penis?

I have cancelled lunch (can barely stand up) and will have to cancel seeing my friend this evening.

How to I handle this? am I just being a twat because I am exhausted? I raged at dp this morning but he wouldn't stay and help despite knowing ds has to go to the orthodontist and I'm not safe to drive?

please be gentle if I am bu.

DismemberedDwerf Thu 24-Oct-13 09:13:45

In that position, I would be raging too. If it's never happened before, and never happens again because he's seen what it's done to you, then I'd try put it behind you at some point, but there would be some strong bloody words in the meantime.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 09:17:48

If this is an isolated example then it was thoughtless behaviour on his part but you should try to keep a sense of perspective. Wait until everyone has calmed down, stop raging, get some sleep and then talk about what went wrong and what would have prevented it. It sounds like a 'I won't be home at 10.30 after all' text would have been sufficient. Everyone makes mistakes... penis or no penis. Browbeating rarely solves anything

IamGluezilla Thu 24-Oct-13 09:20:00

First things first I would text the other wife straight back putting her straight.

Then I'd give human rocket when he gets home.

HorryIsUpduffed Thu 24-Oct-13 09:21:43


I can see why someone who didn't know the full details would think you were overreacting so don't read too much into the text.

What kind of adult goes out until daft o'clock on a school night anyway? He knew he'd have to go to work - is he under the limit to drive? - and be functional when he got there.

MushroomFuckerSoup Thu 24-Oct-13 09:23:34

I am very sorry to hear about your condition. It sounds like managing it rules your life at the moment. Sadly, it is also ruling DP's life, too.
I don't think the problem is that he has got pissed and stayed out late - the problem seems to be that there is no plan in place for him - or you - to be able to do so without leaving each other in the lurch.

YABVU to begrudge him a night out.
YANBU to need support putting in place for this to happen.

It must be very stressful for you both.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 09:24:12

"What kind of adult goes out until daft o'clock on a school night anyway? "

You've never been enjoying yourself on a school night and lost track of time? I certainly have. The OP said he 'NEVER' stays out late... so this is a one-off. There was no need to go combing the streets

EBearhug Thu 24-Oct-13 09:27:31

No,you're not being unreasonable. If you have an agreement that he must be back by 11, and he breaks that without good reason (e.g. car breakdown, train delays, injury) and he doesn't let you know, he's out of order, and if he wasn't answering his phone, I would assume he knows it. If he was aware of how exhausted you are, he's even more unreasonable.

I am the only woman in my team at work. I am amzed at how many of them use work as an excuse not to do parenting, on things we would easily be flexible about, but they don't want to, like parenting is about choosing the good bits. Plus those who take annual leave to have time away from the children. When do their wives get a break? I know I am on the outside looking in, but it certainly doesn't impress me, particularly the bragging about how they've escaped a special assembly or the nativity.


Having said all that, if it's a one-off and he is genuinely apologetic when he comes home from work today, I think you should still let him know he was well out of order and he must not do it again - but we do all screw up sometimes. If he's done it before or does it again in future, that would worry me more, as he clearly doesn't consider your needs and concerns then.

DreamlessSleep Thu 24-Oct-13 09:28:01

Id be cross too. Especially if you had a deal on the time.

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 09:40:41

Thank you for the replies.

Cogito I do have a tendency to browbeat, partly because I feel powerless and feel like dp just doesn't get how exhausting and difficult it is looking after the kids when ill, he always has the option to walk away and I will always be left holding the babies as it were. I know browbeating is not the best way to go though.

I just dont know what to say to make him realise what he did was disrespectful, selfish and atupid. Maybe he already does. He had an important early work meeting early this am too which makes his behaviour even more bizarre.

Gluezilla I do want to reply to other wife but fear I will sound like a raving unreasonable cow. What would yousay?

Horry I was worried about dp being over the limit this morning. I took his keys away but he said I would have to talk to his boss then and I wasn't prepared for that.

Thank heavens for Mister Tumble keeping the little ones amused for a bit

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 09:48:02

Mushroom I don't begrudge him a night out. I am happy for him to go out. He texted me at 1020 saying he would be back by 11 then nothing. No one I know with a full time job goes out on the lash with small children, who by the way are both ill, on a week night and doesn't even bother to let dp know they will be late. Its shoddy behaviour.

I panicked at 1am as it was so unusual, and having worked as a nurse I have seen plenty of people end up in a and e after failing to get home after a drunken night. Perhaps I didn't need to go searching for him, but at the time I was scwred he was lying in a ditch or something, and it was really cold last night.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 09:49:21

I'm not defending him but he said he was sorry. If you were finding yesterday exhausting and it was too difficult to look after all the DCs how come you didn't ask him to postpone the sports night for a week? Is sports night something that might have to go? I think it's your anxiety that caused you to be frantically texting, phoning and driving round the neighbourhood.... that part sounds OTT to me.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 24-Oct-13 09:58:14

You seem to be very stressed out understandably with your condition. You also had a very hectic day yesterday. You need to take a step back and also think it might be very stressful for your DH as well. He apologized. But you combing the streets for him, that's quite ott.

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 10:01:24

Because it's only just recently started cogito so I didn't want to be a spoil sport. Also it was on the understanding that he would be back by 1030 as I have things I have to do and things I hoped to do today (but I have to pace myself). Also he was late back last week (but only by half an hour) also so said he wouldn't be last night.

also it's meant to be a sports night, not get hamnered night. If I had known that I would have just gone to bed and asked him to be quiet when he came in, which incidentally is impossible as the door has warped and has to be slammed shut. It all sounds very petty I know but I fee l like I am often running on empty and it's shit. I should be able to come off this drug by spring so it's not forever that I am compromised energy wise. And I guess I just dont get the desire to get shitfaced, especially on a week night. But that's probably because I am not allowed alcohol and have never been a big drinker.

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 10:04:45

Ebearhug I find what you wrote really sad. Thankfully dp is utterly devoted to our kids, I couldn't be with a man who was regularly selfish and uncaring like those you descibe.

I am taking on board that it is a one off for now, I guess it makes me worry about the future, just when I thought things were getting better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 10:08:01

'Sports' often ends up with a rehydration and socialising session afterwards. If he's new to it he'll be trying to fit in. However, if he knows that you are anxious and tired, and wanted to socialise, he should have been clearer about the timings. I really don't see why this is making you worry about the future.

NightScentedStock Thu 24-Oct-13 11:01:17

It is making me worry about the future because I am a worrier. And because growing up I was largely ignored in favour of my beautiful clever sister, and told by my mother that no one would ever love me. And it's hard to shake that belief that I am unlovable. And because I feel vulnerable because DP is the only person who has been there through the shittiest times and I am scared of losing him vecause before he came along I was desperately lonely as a single mother with no support from my family, to the point where I was lying on the bathroom floor with food poisoning and calling my mother to come and keep my 2 year ols son safe and her saying she had things to do. Whenever stuff like this hapoens I go back like a stuck record to being that 17 year old girl who thinks she is ugly, as well as spotty and flat chested, stupid and worth fuck all because that was how I was treated at home. In tears now. How do you learn to value yourself when you've been made to feel your whole child and adulthood by your parents that you are pretty much not worthy of anything hut exoected to always be obedient and selfless

Clutterbugsmum Thu 24-Oct-13 11:06:56

I would text back stating yes 'boys will be boys' but we are talking about adults who have responsibilities to their families.

As for DH I hope he didn't drive to work this morning as it sounds like he would have still have been drunk this morning.

I would be having very strong words tonight about how you don't mind him doing his sport, you do mind that he got so drunk he would have been over the limit this morning.

It all very well saying OP is being unreasonable but she has a medical condition which needs to manage with his help. He needs to take into consideration when making plans just as we all have to take our family in to consideration when making plans.

Op I hope you can get some rest today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Oct-13 11:11:49

"How do you learn to value yourself "

This may sound trite but a big part of it is how you behave. If you act like a confident person that others should feel privileged to be with, you'll eventually start to feel it. If you had simply gone to sleep last night and taken him to task the next morning rather than thinking he was either dead in a ditch or in the arms of someone new... you'd have been acting like a confident person.

Is there any way you can get some more sleep today to compensate? Cancel whatever's in your diary?

PeppiNephrine Thu 24-Oct-13 11:13:31

I do feel for you but do you think maybe you are just suffocating him and he was reacting to that?
I don't know why you didn't just go to bed and let him look after himself?

bestsonever Thu 24-Oct-13 11:23:36

I just wonder how if seriously ill for 4 years one decides to have 2 children added to the existing family and then unsurprisingly has difficulty looking after what most fit people would find hard to do. I would think that your DP is also highly stressed and his behaviour could be a reaction to that. Shared responsibility for the issues here as both of you decided to increase the workload by expanding the family at a difficult time.
If he is generally good at helping you in life I'd forgive this as a release of tension and pressure. Though I think that sport without the boozing after would be more effective in helping him to cope with circumstances and it would be bad if alcohol became used as an emotional crutch.

EldritchCleavage Thu 24-Oct-13 11:28:40

I just wonder how if seriously ill for 4 years one decides to have 2 children added to the existing family and then unsurprisingly has difficulty looking after what most fit people would find hard to do

Is it really necessary to be so brusque with this OP, who has explained she is ill and anxious?

BeCoolFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 11:35:33

Sorry if I am misunderstanding, but does your anxiety prevent you from just going to bed and getting an early night yourself so you are OK for the following day?

It does sound very OTT to be waking children up and combing the streets for him? Yes he should have let you know if he was going to be late and would know that not telling you this would cause you anxiety, but all this stuff about staying out late on a school night and no one else does it - well he's a grown up and can face the consequences of that himself surely?

Does he get hammered a lot? Are there issues with alcohol?

As for self valuing, and your shitty childhood and lack of support, those are big issues to tackle, but they can be tackled with the help of a good therapist. It sounds very much like you need to invest in yourself (perhaps via therapy - it helped me). Your life and self belief & self worth will escalate dramatically once you start engaging with these issues in a positive way.

BeCoolFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 11:39:22

This may sound trite but a big part of it is how you behave. If you act like a confident person that others should feel privileged to be with, you'll eventually start to feel it. If you had simply gone to sleep last night and taken him to task the next morning rather than thinking he was either dead in a ditch or in the arms of someone new... you'd have been acting like a confident person.
^ Pure wise gold ^

Sometimes, you just need to act "as if" - if you don't feel confident then act "as if" you are confident until the confidence becomes real.

elskovs Thu 24-Oct-13 11:40:56

He is out of order for not sticking to the agreed time, but you are BVU in citing your "hectic day" as a reason to need him home... you spent the day socialising apart from one dentist appointment. Sounds pretty cushy really.

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