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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

relationship problem

28 replies

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 21:47

I hope someone can help me. I have net a wonderful kind and intelligent man after being a single parent for ten years. We have been together now for 18 months. We get on really well, can talk about anything, he's great with my son and we're good together in bed. But there are problems

he has a very demanding job and 4 children who spend 50 % of the time with him. He was very cautious initially about me spending much time with his children and although I now stay at his whit his children there this is only recent. He is only just getting divorced despite separating 8 years ago. He was worried how his ex would react as she is catholic. Everything seems to make me feel needy as he is always cautious of the next step.

We spent a week together last Christmas as his children were away. This year he will have them (they are all teenagers and finding us) and it seems that our relationship is moving backwards as he is planning what they will all be doing rather than thinking of me and my son as well.

We've talked about moving in together im around a year but I feel sick of being the one always pushing for more. At the moment he stays with me once or twice a week and we sometimes meet up with the children at the weekend.

We are both in our mid forties and I do believe he loves me as I do him but I'm finding this one sided and getting sick of wanting more than seems to.

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wantanewname · 23/10/2013 21:50

A few spelling mistakes in the post sorry - wrote this on my phone

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wantanewname · 23/10/2013 21:55

Does anyone have any advice. I don't want to keep pushing but backing off seems like game playing.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 21:58

If the relationship is always marching to his beat rather than yours, you have to tell him you don't like it. 18 months into a new relationship it's normal to want to be his top priority more of the time & not always the one fitting in somewhere between his job, his ex and his children. There's being reasonable and accommodating and then there's being taken for granted.

Sometimes it's lovely but they come with too much baggage to make it work. Sad but there you go.

cloudskitchen · 23/10/2013 21:59

I'm sorry but I have no personal experience with this but I would say he's a very decent man that puts his kids feelings before his own. presumably once you move in together these situations will resolve themselves because you will be sharing a home so although it's frustrating I would let him take his time. Get on with making your own plans for this Christmas and know that next Christmas you'll be spending it together as you'll be living together.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/10/2013 22:01

He sounds like a good man who is rightly putting his children before his new partner.

Either you can accept him how he is, or you need to end the relationship and move on.

Coolforcatz · 23/10/2013 22:03

Have you told him how you feel? It sounds like his position won't change for the foreseeable, and his priorities will always be with his own children.

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:04

I'm not sure we will by next Christmas. He is a very decent man, he's genuinely kind and lovely but I del I always want more than he can give or wants to give. I'm the one suggesting things like rare weekends away etc and he seems happy with our current arrangement whereas id like to see him more. I end up feeling irritated and we seem to go over the same things.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 22:06

All the people saying how great he is putting his kids first. You have a DS as well OP and yet you can still find ways to make him feel like he is high priority in your life. The two aren't mutually exclusive. A man can be a good parent and an attentive partner...

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:08

I don't want him to spend less time with his children but my son knows him far better than I know his children and always has. It feels like one rule for my son and another for his children.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 22:10

It sounds to me as though he's keeping you in a box. He can take you out and play with you when it's convenient but otherwise, you go back in the box. I don't think it's entirely driven by caution or consideration for exes and DCs... seems also about maintaining distance and keeping control.

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:19

That's what I'm worried about I don't know what to think any more. I'm worried he's keeping me in a box. That I'm not totally incorporated into his life. On the other hand I've met his family sisters etc spend time with him and his children and I know this is a big deal for him as he has had no other relationship since his marriage broke down.

I feel I've banged on about variants of the same point and don't want to keep on about the same thing. I'm supposed to be seeing him tomorrow but am having seamen thoughts.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 22:22

Freudian typo? :)

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:24

He does a lot for me for example he had my son over night when I had to work late, this week I've had a cold and he brought round flowers and chocolates etc so it does seem like I'm complaining about nothing but we're in our forties and been together 18 months and yet it doesn't seem like we're together.

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wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:25

I meant second thoughts !! God!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 22:25

It may be a big deal for him. He may feel he's being far more inclusive with you than anyone since his marriage finished. I'm sure he thinks he's being sensitive, careful and doing the right thing by the ex and the kids and all the rest. But if it's not working for you - and 'not working' doesn't have to be some rational, tangible reason that would stand up under cross-examination - then you're right to have second thoughts.

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:27

Part of me wants to suggest a break to see if it'll shock him into action but that is game playing and don't really think that's a good idea but feel at a loss.

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wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:31

I know on some levels it isn't working for me but I also know I'm happier with me than I've been dvds before and that he is the most genuinely nice and kind man I've met . I do kind of think a shock like a break might actually work.

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Coolforcatz · 23/10/2013 22:31

If you're going to suggest breaking up then be prepared to follow it through, because let's be fair, you're not happy to continue as is so either he appreciates you more or he loses out. Don't make idle threats because it'll only backfire.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/10/2013 22:31

Do you think maybe his DCs have said that they don't want you around all the time they're there?

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:32

Sorry about the typos.

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wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:34

I don't think his children have but who knows. I really don't want to end it with him, it would break my heart. But I'm sick of wanting more than he does.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 23/10/2013 22:35

I would definitely not suggest playing games. Tell him it's over if you find the situation bad. Do not do it to shock him into the relationship you want.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 22:37

Yes, if you suggest a break it has to be because you need a break. If you're unhappy with where you are in his priorities, if you feel excluded, then you have to be as demanding as the ex and her rosary beads there... still calling the shots. Withdraw or confront.

wantanewname · 23/10/2013 22:37

I know playing games is pathetic but what else can I do? We've talked many times and it feels like me asking for more and him just conceding. Maybe I should just cool it for a bit.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 22:39

If you've talked then there's nothing wrong with cooling it. It's sad but, if he's not right, he's not right.

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