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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do you tell?

35 replies

str8tothepoint · 23/10/2013 15:34

No I'm not looking for a boost in confidence or nothing at all so don't fire me down. If your DP was having an affair with the same sex, had unprotected sex, knows he's gay in the closet too scared, still carried on behind her back for 9 months after she found out originally about us would you tell her??

I am not looking for arguments or boosts just opinions

OP posts:

Report

hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2013 15:39

Nope!

cloudskitchen · 23/10/2013 15:44

I'm sorry but I've read this 2 or 3 times and I'm still not clear. Are you having a same sex relationship with someone else's partner and wondering if you should tell your lovers partner? sorry if I'm being thick.

if I have got that right then I would ask what you hope to gain from telling her? do you want her partner to leave her for you? I would say its not really your place to tell her. especially if you're motives are for your benefit rather than her wellbeing. I would encourage her partner to tell her though as he's making he's deceiving her and depriving her of a chance to be happy with someone less deceitful.

out of interest why did she stay with him after finding out originally?

BlatantRedhead · 23/10/2013 15:48

I don't really understand from the OP what's going on exactly but it sounds like you're having same-sex affair with someone who is in a hetro relationship? Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, why would you want to carry in with someone who is openly willing to cheat on ther current partner with you? I'd never trust the cheater, even if their real relationship did eventually end.

str8tothepoint · 23/10/2013 15:49

Cos she found out he had met up with me over the time when she found out, thought we had finished so had him move back in so she could keep an eye on him or that she was scared he'd end up with me

thanks cloudskitchen very valid point

OP posts:

str8tothepoint · 23/10/2013 15:51

blatantredhead thats what I have been thinking for a long time aswell and I don't trust him no more just feel sorry for her that he's feeding her lies aswell as me

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/10/2013 16:02

Confusing.

Gender here is fairly irrelevant, but here it goes.

So, he (?) had unprotected sex with you, but he is still with his wife/partner?

Why did you have unprotected sex with another man, if you are not in a commited, exclusive relationship?
And what do you want from him?
Are you ok being the other man?

Personally, I wouldn't be with a cheater (man or woman).

Oblomov · 23/10/2013 16:08

Not quite sure what you are asking OP.
Tell her that he has I fact continued, and not finished?
But deep down, you know the answer. Right? But you can't bring yourself to finish with him, can you?
If he really loved you he would come out, and move on with you, surely?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 16:13

Your username is kind of ironic in the circumstances OP .. The words 'tangled web we weave...' are hovering in the air. What goes on between these DPs is really for them to sort out. If you step into the middle of it declaring yourself as the 'other man' then I think the only person that will get hurt is yourself.

Madamecastafiore · 23/10/2013 16:13

Why would you care now?

You didn't care when shagging her husband, so why now?

str8tothepoint · 23/10/2013 16:25

We had unprotected gay sex for the past 9 months yes. He has a child so it is very complicated. She knows about me. I have finished it today told him he will never hear from me again. I have been for STD tests end of last month and I picked up something from him but have not said anything to him. They aren't married.

OP posts:

GreenGiant3 · 23/10/2013 16:25

I think you OP are growing more feelings for this person and are becoming impatient and jealous that your lover has not and or will not leave their partner for you.

You knew what you were getting Yourself in to, you knew your lover was in a relationship, and now you dislike it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but once a cheat always a cheat, why would you want to be with this cheat??. And I don't think it's your place to tell your lovers partner, you should leave now, and not look back, the partner will, one day, find out about their infidelity, it's just not your business...

GreenGiant3 · 23/10/2013 16:26

If I am wrong however I do apologise and just advise to leave this person, get out while you can and see it as lesson learned.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 16:30

If he gave you an STD that puts a different complexion on it. How serious an STD is it? Does he know he gave it to you? Do you think he has told his partner to get tested?

str8tothepoint · 23/10/2013 16:31

Greengiant3 - no need to apologise all opinions welcome. He needs me and wants me more than I do him. I can be gay whereas he has to put on the family guy image as everyone would never think of him that way. He was on the verge of suicide before I came along

OP posts:

tippytap · 23/10/2013 16:43

This sounds very similar to some theads posted in Relationships.

tippytap · 23/10/2013 16:44

Forgot to add - recently!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2013 16:47

You're going to tell him about the STD, aren't you?

SpookyWerewolf · 23/10/2013 16:52

Next time you have sex with someone, please use protection against STDs, your sexual health, and that of those you sleep with is really important. There are some really nasty diseses out there. You probably know this now after catching one, but it just had to be said.

If he was cheating on her, you may not have been his only other sexual partner.

If I was his partner, I would want to know that I needed to protect my sexual health. It would be better if he told her, but if he refuses to or can't be trusted to, yes I think you should tell her. Obviously, you need to tell him about the STD too.

I understand that it is interfering in their relationship, and hope you wouldn't do it out of revenge or to try and break them up, certainly you don't want him to leave her for you (you want a relationship with someone who won't cheat), but I think that since her health is involved it is better than not telling her. It also isn't as if this is the first she has heard that he might not be completely heterosexual and faithful, so is unlikely to be as bad as the first time she found out.

No need to go into details about your relationship with him. Just the facts that you had unprotected sex with him and have tested positive for X and believe that she should get herself checked out.

I realise my advice is against the trend of the thread, I don't know if there is a completely ethical solution to this but if it was my sexual health at risk, then I'd want to know. (I'd also want to know if my partner was a liar and a cheat, but hey ho).

OP, have you finished the tests or do you need to go back to get tested for HIV and Hepatitus after a number of months? Hope you are okay and you stay protected in future.

No idea if my post counts as a boost or an argument, maybe its a bit of a lecture. But seriously you are worth more, both in terms of your health, and in terms of having relationships with people who aren't liars and cheats, who are free and able to return your affection.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

str8tothepoint · 23/10/2013 17:04

thank you spookywerewolf

I will need to go back in about 2 and half months time for HIV testing update and know it is stupid having unprotected sex think that was a huge buzz for him to do that to me. I don't want revenge on her to be honest as yes I have made a major mistake by doing this but couldn't handle the guilt of what she would do and the consequences for him.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/10/2013 17:12

He will still be on the verge of suicide if he wants to lead a double life.

Personally, I'd steer clear of such people. It may well have been a line to convince you to accept him being in the closet and being the OM.

You should tell him about the STD (which I hope is not bad) and let him handle it. It will be his responsibility towards his family.

And I hope you really get rid of this man, who really just wants his cake and eat it.

AnandaTimeIn · 23/10/2013 17:56

Just the facts that you had unprotected sex with him and have tested positive for X and believe that she should get herself checked out.

^^

I presume she knows what her other half is up to already but you owe it to her and yourself to let her know. never mind him, his shit will certainly hit the fan now, but you are not responsible for his life choices

Hope you find a good, non-cheating partner when all this is behind you.

MissStrawberry · 23/10/2013 18:04

I am not sure of the ethics but if you could tell your GP of your test results and say that you lover is also sleeping with his live in partner and she really should know that her partner could have a disease then maybe the GP could suggest a test. I realise it sounds ridiculous but other than you telling her I am not sure how else to do it. She needs to know. She is putting herself at risk without knowing it and that is indefensible.

OP, I really hope you have grown up since posting and realised that you shouldn't ever fuck another persons partner and certainly not without protection, especially now you have a STD.

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stooshe · 23/10/2013 18:23

Tell her (she does need to know) and move on from this down low ass. His "closet" is so pre year 2000, it would be funny, if it wasn't so sad.
Also you need to start insisting upon protected sex, especially if you are doing the deed with already partnered men.
Life's too short hanging around waiting for somebody to make you their choice. Especially if they are not being true to themselves. I'm sure that there is more to being gay than having sex. I'm not sure your confused bed mate knows that. Good luck!

str8tothepoint · 25/10/2013 15:34

Ok he mailed me today, told me he understands that I never want to speak to him again but will leave his mail account open if I needed him. Love you you sexy stunning beautiful man

Now I am on the verge of just telling her, understand what???????!!!!! That I know he's a lying cheating in the closet gay man who manipulates people into what he wants??????

OP posts:

Lweji · 25/10/2013 15:38

Why should you "need" him?

TBH, as he has an STD, you'd be doing her a favour.

I hope they are not TTC.

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