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DH was very cagey with his phone last night

(43 Posts)
ALeetleBitWorried Wed 23-Oct-13 10:45:08

DH was very cagey with his phone last night and it got me a bit worried.

Things aren't great between us at the minute. Nothing terrible happening but just not very close. We have a 16MO who sleeps well etc but after baby bedtime we spend a lot of time in separate rooms, go to bed late, don't have sex that often. It's like there has been a gradual rot setting in and I don't know what to do about it.

Last night we were actually talking for a couple of hours, relaxing together. But when I picked up his phone for some reason (can't remember why) he just looked really stressed. Got it back off me very quickly. We were looking through baby photos on my phone and I asked to see the photos on his. He gave me the phone but seemed very relieved to get it back.

There was one time when he lied to me about a big financial thing (I was pregnant at the time with v high blood pressure so I kind of understand) and it has left me a bit wary.

I did think about confronting him last night, demanding to see the phone but I didn't. I didn't get a chance to look at it either. After the financial thing (he lied a lot, it involved him staying ON in a different place but it was ages ago) I told him we needed to sit down and be totally upfront about money, finances etc but it has just never happened. I also told him there should be nothing on his phone / email etc that I can't see - because he could go through mine at any time.

Sorry this has become so long blush I don't know if I am reading way too much into this. I've been feeling a bit low recently although fighting it. DH is also paying for everything at the minute as I am working freelance to build up something but at the minute it's all childcare and no profit. So I'm wondering if there is resentment there too. He bottles things up instead of talking about them.

Leavenheath Thu 24-Oct-13 16:01:55

Just read this. Some really good posts.

So he'll show you his phone and his phone bills yes? In this spirit of openness, co-operation and transparency?

Your trust has been dented by 2 fairly major lies and that's understandable. It would be a really good way to build up trust for him to show you that you had no need to be concerned about him getting close to someone he'd kept secret from you.

I hope you'll ask for that. Will you? Or might he volunteer it, which is what I would do?

ALeetleBitWorried Thu 24-Oct-13 15:38:40

And as Charbon said I did admit that I was feeling vulnerable and feeling a bit frumpy sat at home and that I was concerned that we were drifting because it created the danger of feeling disconnected and meeting other people for a quick buzz in the face of daily life.

I don't really think I could have done anything more. All I can do now is do my part to stop the rot before it really sets in. DH is a good man and a very moral, traditional man in many ways - but I have read enough threads here to know that even men like that can behave appallingly. The truth is I don't think he has done anything inappropriate - I think we've both been horribly busy and a bit overwhelmed and we've let things slide. So thank you all for the good advice because I think by having the chat now we are giving ourselves a chance to regroup before things go wrong down the line.

ALeetleBitWorried Thu 24-Oct-13 15:33:45

Imperial it is really shit that he let you believe it was you being paranoid all that time sad I can see how that would be a difficult thing for a GP to broach though.

Amverytired I did ask him about that and didn't get a totally satisfactory answer. He said he didn't want me messing with the settings on it and I was a bit hmm as in why the hell would I mess with settings, which I told him. He is a bit possessive of his phone and always has been in some ways - he doesn't like me playing games on his phone for example so it might be a bit like AcidNails said upthread - just a bit possessive over his phone. He did hand it to me there and then to check (which I didn't) but I told him I expected to be able to see his phone at any time, as he could see mine.

I did tell him that the big money lie thing really dented my trust in him and in his defence he has never denied it was a stupid thing to do, nor did he deny or minimise it last night. I also told him that we still think too much like two single people rather than as a unit - we have always been independent (part of what drew us together) but that we have maybe taken that too far.

amverytired Thu 24-Oct-13 13:06:45

So, are you not worried anymore about him being cagey with the phone the other night? Did you sort that out?

ImperialFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 12:50:10

Charbon, I think I was on that thread, or anyway on a similar one.

When my ex husband was having an affair, I didn't know about it, but I felt like I was going mad. I couldn't put my finger on it, it was as though the world had tilted very slightly on its axis and nothing was as it had been before. It was literally as though I was walking on very thin ice.

I went to the doctor (told my ex beforehand) and told him this. I've known very doctor very well since I was 21. He prescribed me ADs. I took them and felt a bit better in that I could "park" bad thoughts and ignore them.

Eight years later I found out that my husband had been having an affair throughout that time. He never stayed out overnight. He didn't come home late, etc. She was married too and most of it went on at work.

I came off the ADs immediately - there was no longer any need once I knew what was going on in my world.

The next time I spoke to my doctor I told him about this and he said, "Yes, I remember wondering at the time whether anything like that was going on." I was angry with my doctor and felt he should have said something before handing over drugs. He admitted he should have said something "but I didn't want to upset you."

ALeetleBitWorried Thu 24-Oct-13 11:20:00

Thanks AFG (The real AF is going to find it so bizarre when she returns and all the names changes in her honour grin ) It is hard because we live so far away from family because of moving so babysitters are expensive. As DS gets older it will be easier to leave him with my friend's teenage daughter but at the minute we are having to use a childminder who is quite expensive. I did say to DH last night that I missed how we used to go out and do things.

Anyfuckergate Thu 24-Oct-13 11:11:50

Be open and honest with each other and PLAY, go out together have some fun, comedy nights, paint balling, murder mystery nights..... what ever makes you laugh together. I think as adults we loose sight of playing for the sake of it. We get stuck in the humdrum and loose sight of the fun we can have together as couples.

ALeetleBitWorried Thu 24-Oct-13 11:05:00

Just a quick update to thank you all for your advice yesterday.

I'm as sure as it's possible to be that nothing untoward is going on (I would say 100% but I've read too many MN threads to EVER fall into that trap sad ) We had a good talk and have both acknowledged that things are not how we want them to be. We have a few ideas for how to improve things (early nights, more sex, more us time, booking a babysitter more often) but I know saying and doing are two different things so we will see how it goes.

One thing we did realise - we are both novices at long-term relationships. Both of us were very career driven in our twenties and thirties and had numerous short relationships (from a few months to two years) but never anything longer. Because of that I think we really are in unknown territory at the minute. It's hard to know how relationships change in general over the time we have been together, never mind all the job and life changes that have happened (DS, career change, some close bereavements, a house move, moving hundreds of miles from family and friends).

So if any of you have any tips for keeping things fresh longterm I would be really glad to hear them. I think we have both fallen into the trap of taking each other for granted.

holstenlips Wed 23-Oct-13 17:01:49

Good luck OP. I think talking to him now is essential for your own sanity. Hope its all sorted and nothing untoward. X

Charbon Wed 23-Oct-13 16:49:25

I was on a thread a long time ago when we were discussing how helpful it would be if GPs had the time and the insight to ask patients about their relationships, before reaching for the prescription pad. But I can also see that many people are blindsided about their relationships or partners being the root cause of their anxiety and if an enquiry were made, might reply in 'scripted terms' about being in a good relationship with a supportive partner. It often takes a while for people's cognitive brain to catch up with the subconscious signals another part of the brain is transmitting.

I'm glad this helped you today.

loopylou6 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:45:14

You must speak to him asap, I hope its nothing x

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 16:44:39

Hope this evening goes well for you OPx

holstenlips Wed 23-Oct-13 16:38:05

And Charbon thanks to you I can now really see a link between my mental health and this relationship. I was always feeling anxious with him because he had started something similar at work with another woman when we first dated he explained it as "his sense of humour" and I remember him saying about said woman that he wouldn't touch her with a shitty stick. Which disgusted me at the time too.

holstenlips Wed 23-Oct-13 16:34:16

Thats exactly how I felt Aleetle. Although obviously I dont know if your partner has done anything. I felt paranoid, depressed and I even said to him "something s not right, my body is telling me" it was like a scream in the background that I was ignoring.
I finally just grabbed his phone chucked him mine and saw 3/4 months of messages and 'sexting' .
If youre going to confront him I woukd say do it without giving him a chance to delete stuff. My x managed to delete or doctor some of the stuff. And that kind of says it all really. Good luck. Remember if he loves you he will really want to reassure and support you.

Charbon Wed 23-Oct-13 16:32:47

is otherwise

Charbon Wed 23-Oct-13 16:31:54

How about being honest and taking a risk with your own vulnerabilities?

You could explain to him that you acknowledge this is notoriously a difficult stage in a couple relationship and that it's easy to form close attachments to others as a way of escaping from the pressure and to get a quick feelgood factor into a daily life that it otherwise full of responsibility. So you wondered how he would stop himself getting too close to someone else if an opportunity presented itself?

You might say you're especially worried because in the past, he has kept secrets from you rather than discussing matters that affect you and have a bearing on your own life decisions and you also noticed his caginess last night when you had access to his phone.

I have to tell you there is a risk that this will probably cause him to be more covert if something with another woman has already started, but talking about infidelity and the risks of it in this way might cause him to rethink his actions (assuming he's not already addicted) or nip it in the bud.

You might also tell him what actions will result if a secret infidelity is discovered later, after he had this golden opportunity to be honest.

ALeetleBitWorried Wed 23-Oct-13 16:20:04

I wonder if I'm acting like a crazy person at the minute. Nothing has happened. He has done nothing wrong as far as I know. But I feel completely miserable. I don't know if I'm depressed and imagining things or if something is really wrong.

ALeetleBitWorried Wed 23-Oct-13 16:16:17

He's coming home from work a bit early so we can chat. I phoned him and told him I feel really low and down and like everything is going wrong. I don't know what to say to him, other than that I feel low and that I feel a bit wary and untrusting at the minute.

Charbon Wed 23-Oct-13 16:13:40

You aren't gatecrashing at all. It's especially helpful to see posts from people who've experienced this themselves and will I think, be enormously insightful to the OP and other lurkers. I hope you're feeling better now holstenlips and that it helps to look at your anxious feelings through a different lens.

holstenlips Wed 23-Oct-13 16:06:34

What Charbon says is so true.. sorry to gatecrash but I was off work for 9 weeks with depression. I was just recovering when I found texts/messages on fiances phone. Now I had remembered instantly that I had had a bad feeling about this woman and him mentioning her..before I became ill. The mentionitis stopped and again I felt uneasy. Now I am wondering if this inner anxiety actually caused my illness.

Charbon Wed 23-Oct-13 15:49:32

There could be a link between the mention made about the new starter, your gut instinct when she was mentioned and his edginess - and your depressive feelings. I wonder whether this woman started at his work place 6 weeks ago, when you say you started feeling depressed?

ALeetleBitWorried Wed 23-Oct-13 15:45:55

Yes it was a different issue sad

If you're talking about instincts he mentioned a name a few weeks back - a woman who has just started working there. It was once in passing but something made me sit up. I started quizzing him a bit and he got very edgy, which I dismissed as me being a bit intrusive. Name has never been mentioned since mind you so could be nothing.

I am increasingly feeling depressed. I think I am depressed to be honest. It has been about 6 weeks now and I feel like I'm getting worse not better. I've been trying to go for walks and meet up with people but I am feeling very flat and on the edge of tears today, probably not helped by worrying about bloody DH's phone!

Charbon Wed 23-Oct-13 15:33:13

So this sending money to the relative and secretly doing so was in addition to the lies of commission you mentioned earlier?

Are you saying that he failed to tell you about two issues that had an impact on you?

If so, it needs pointing out that these could be only the two you know about and you cannot rule out there are others.

Do keep an open mind about your feelings and their root cause. How people have described this to me is that their logical brains could see there were legitimate reasons for worry in their lives and feelings of disconnection with a partner, which is why they were able to rationalise those feelings as having a justifiable cause.

But occasionally, they wondered why they were feeling quite so scared, or disorientated, as those feelings seemed unusual and disproportionate to the suspected cause of the worry. Some people had visited GPs because their heartrate seemed to be quicker (as it is when we're experiencing adrenaline and fear) and others had assumed they were depressed.

It's hard when you don't have anything to compare it with and you might tell yourself these feelings and rifts in your partnership are normal in a couple with a first child, money issues and a start-up business.

Keep an open mind, don't discount what your inner voice and your body might be trying to tell you. And yes, do talk with him about how you'll both protect your individual selves from getting involved elsewhere, especially when the opportunities for it are plentiful.

ALeetleBitWorried Wed 23-Oct-13 15:11:33

And Charbon that was great advice at the end, thanks. I think I am feeling a bit insecure because I could definitely see the attraction of a quick fling as an ego booster for DH and he gets the opportunity to meet lots of people in his work.

ALeetleBitWorried Wed 23-Oct-13 15:09:37

Charbon that was really interesting but I think in our case it has been more of a change of work pattern for me, where I've gone from being out of the house working to working at home. I think I've been missing the interaction at work. I would be fairly disgusted at porn but it wouldn't be an automatic deal breaker.

Acid I think there is some truth in that (he is private with his phone) but there was a kind of anxiety about him last night that concerned me tbh.

Three sorry I didn't make that clear. He is paying for the childcare too - what I mean is any money I make is currently tied up in the business but we need childcare to enable me to do it IYSWIM.

I do think he has issues around being very secretive about money. For example I found out by chance that he has been paying a lot of money to a relative overseas who has fallen on hard times. I know the relative (they are lovely) but he didn't tell me he had been doing this for quite some time and he just mentioned it out of the blue one night. I was a bit shock that he had never discussed it.

We got married late and are so used to having separate finances. I'm not sure either of us has got out of the habit of it, especially him because he's good with money.

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