Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How often do you have sex with your partner?

(59 Posts)
Ilikeyoursleeves Tue 22-Oct-13 20:16:20

Just wondering what is 'average' if that exists? My DH went on a bit of a rant last night through his frustrations that we don't have enough sex. We do it about once a week, if even, sometimes it might just be two or three times a month. We have three kids and the baby is only just settling at night now so that's been a big factor for me but I don't think my libido is as high as his. It's not like he wants it every night but he said he thinks within a marriage it's not unreasonable to have sex 2-3 times a week. He's mentioned this before and has always accepted I'm knackered but last night he started to get quite angry about it and said he feels like a pervert when he makes advances to me and I turn him down. I can see his point so I said I will make more of an effort but he thinks sex shouldn't have to be an effort. But I also don't want to feel I have to do it now when I don't want to!

Any advice or help?! Thanks.

Noggie Sun 27-Oct-13 07:46:28

Averages are definitely just that- think it varies a lot and agree with what others have said re affects of kids/stress/general weariness!

neiljames77 Sat 26-Oct-13 22:58:14

That bed cost us £800 less than 2 years ago. It shouldn't be creaking like it does. Buying a new one isn't going to happen.

Casmama Sat 26-Oct-13 22:45:03

Neil- new bed may be a worthwhile investment!

WinterBlondie83 Sat 26-Oct-13 22:30:26

Surely it's always worth it 77?
Red, you made me laugh! Good for you if she's always smiling!
Usually around 4/5 times a week for us. Does depend on the week. Both have high sex drive (dh's higher probs) but it works smile

ilovepowerhoop Sat 26-Oct-13 22:22:55


RedCosmonaut Sat 26-Oct-13 22:08:49

Every couple of days for sure, sometimes more. Can't keep my hands off her really. I like to dress her up, and have her walk round the house in short skirts, slutty underwear, blouses. 4 kids, fifth on the way. Must be doing something right. She smiles a lot.

Keepithidden Sat 26-Oct-13 21:51:25

Darkest - Obviously I wasn't there so can't really disagree with your intepretation of the bloke friends comments. However I have seen similar stuff trotted out on MN to those who complain about a low sex drive from their partner.

Having said that you crossings-out do seem to be the more normal view, unfortunately.

neiljames77 Sat 26-Oct-13 21:50:55

The fact that my kids are almost adults and it's a modern house with studded walls makes things very awkward. My wife has put a rolled up pair of socks between the headboard and the wall but the bed really creaks. Sometimes when they both stay at my Mums we can really go for it (the old woman who lives next door is deaf) and it's really good. The only other way we can do it is by spooning and me wriggling like a worm but it hardly seems worth it.

Littleboyx2 Sat 26-Oct-13 21:42:37

Every day, have baby few months old. But from what I understand/hear from friends this is unusual.

Darkesteyes Sat 26-Oct-13 21:36:51

What happened when i spoke out yesterday.

I was talking to a female friend about my situ yesterday and a bloke friend of hers was earwigging.
He said to me, a. sex isnt everything.
b. Why dont you become an escort if you like sex so much
So what he really meant was.... Sex isnt everything for women cos they shouldnt like it anyway

And why dont you become an escort because the mens needs have to be fullfilled

So that is a good example of how womens needs are seen by society.

Darkesteyes Thu 24-Oct-13 01:48:52

I think the reason there is a gender skew is because if the woman is the one in the marriage being denied affection/intimacy/sex we dont talk about it as often because sexless relationships tend to be blamed on women a lot.
i saw a post on Dadsnet to asking about this and it only took 3 posts before someone asked her "has YOUR physical appearance changed. Have YOU gained weight. Yet ive also seen posts on here where an MNer is having problems with a VERY low libido partner who then becomes emotionally abusive when she dares to try to discuss it.
I think the way women are blamed when they go off sex and then blamed again when its their partner who goes off it probably causes a lot of us to keep quiet about it which makes ppl think the amount of women who go off sex is higher than the amount of men who go off it thus creating this "gender skew"

OutbackMick Wed 23-Oct-13 21:29:12

I'm in a similar position to doormat above.

Keepithidden Wed 23-Oct-13 19:59:43

Why is it that it always seems like its the man who wants/needs/demands "It" and the women are benevolent providers..?

It's the low drive/high drive split I think. Not automatically a gender split though as a lot of threads on MN testify.

The low drive partner will be the benevolent provider because they are 'offering' something that isn't necessarily required of them. The high drive partner will be the one who wants/needs/demands sex. In a loving relationship the low drive partner can provide without having a need satisfied (the need doesn't exist to them in the same way), they may still enjoy it though. The high drive partner is in a different position in that to get their requirements they need to behave in ways that are unacceptable. It's the 'need' that is driving one and not the other... In simplistic terms one has a choice the other doesn't (if you view the need for sex to be a true need at all of course!)

Regarding the apparent gender skew, I don't know, there could be society-based reasons, it could be the hormone/physiology particularly post child-birth differences. I don't know of any research into it may be worth a Google?

All the above is IMO of course, I'm not a professional etc...

ShoeWhore Wed 23-Oct-13 17:52:06

You are doing it more than we are OP wink

Dh would think he had died and gone to heaven if we were at it that often. As it stands it's once every 2-3 weeks. Our children are older but dh is away a lot and there is a lot of background stress. We are both very tired.

Great advice from dahlen - hope you two can find a way through it.

Andy1964 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:43:37

I think most if not all couples go through this, especially when they have a growing family.
For the record 3-4 times a week (but our DC's are 14 and 10)

Don't worry, it's normal. If your DH is any thing like me he won't enjoy sex if your not feeling hot. It does nothing for me if my DW is not feeling it no matter how hot I feel.

Have a chat, I know the subject is difficult but try to break the ice. It's best to get these things out in the open so you both know how you feel.

It does make you feel a bit perverted when you keep getting turned down, I get how he feels and that's why its a good idea to have a chat.

Explain how hot you feel for him but try and explain that you don't always feel like that because your a Mum.

Men do loose their wifes for a few years while the kids are growing up but trust me, it comes back.

Ilikeyoursleeves Wed 23-Oct-13 17:40:22

Thanks for all the great advice! And I agree dahlens post was fab and made a lot of sense. We have spoken about it more calmly and DH aplologised for being angry about it. I initiated sex last night but he said he didn't want me to feel like I had to do it now. We were both tired so just went to sleep and cuddled instead. Today I went for a run then after my shower and called him from my mobile and asked him to come up (couldn't shout cos baby was asleep) and we DTD! In the afternoon! His face lit up when he saw me in bed after my shower lol. And I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it and was most satisfied wink

I think we just need to make time to do it, go to bed earlier, do it when kids are out etc. it's the thought of it makes me tired but every time when I do it, I love it and think 'we must do this more often!'. smile

Themanfrommanc Wed 23-Oct-13 17:11:16

Why is it that it always seems like its the man who wants/needs/demands "It" and the women are benevolent providers..?

Heathcliff27 Wed 23-Oct-13 16:15:25

No where near enough due to various factors, kids, tiredness, him so stressed at work. I think I need to make more of an effort as well. Hmm Mr Heathcliff tonights the night....

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Oct-13 16:14:22

Another one saying great post Dahlen

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Oct-13 16:09:06

Probably average about 7 times a week. (seeing each other for about 3 years now)
Most mornings and some evenings depending if my DD is asleep or not.
She's always asleep at 6:30am so all good to go then.
And so much better in the morning as well, everythings a bit more sensitive.
Lovely way to start the day!

catameringue Wed 23-Oct-13 16:04:32

The problem with averages is its exactly that.

I agree with dahlen that the biggest problem isn't a difference in libido, it's feeling rejection and resentment.

I think having a set rule over regularity not only puts unfair demands on when life might not work that way - you all get the flu etc, but takes the fun out of it.

nouvellevag Wed 23-Oct-13 16:03:32

Um. Twice this year, I think, and I am the one turning it down. My DH would think he'd died and gone to heaven if he got laid every week. sad We are affectionate, always reaching out for a hug or a grope, spoon in bed etc., and we do talk about it. He knows I want him to tell me if it makes him really unhappy, and that I'm trying to work out where my sex drive went. But I feel like shit about it. Anyway.

Jan45 Wed 23-Oct-13 15:45:45

Take people's sums with a pinch of salt, they will mostly be exaggerated anyway.

Once a week, you have three children and a baby that is now just settling and he complains, I think he's bloody lucky!

Lamai1 Wed 23-Oct-13 09:50:14

With us it's about 2/3 times a week...would be more if he had his way,but he is HUGE...sometimes once is enough..but there again what is huge...?...I often wonder

Straitjacket Wed 23-Oct-13 09:42:19

When the littlest was younger, it was a few times a month rather than a few times a week but now he is over 2 and sleeping better, it is the latter.

It is pretty normal for your sex life to take a dip when they are young, but it should pick back up again soon.

I would definitely take Dahlens advice.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now