Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How often do you have sex with your partner?(59 Posts)
Just wondering what is 'average' if that exists? My DH went on a bit of a rant last night through his frustrations that we don't have enough sex. We do it about once a week, if even, sometimes it might just be two or three times a month. We have three kids and the baby is only just settling at night now so that's been a big factor for me but I don't think my libido is as high as his. It's not like he wants it every night but he said he thinks within a marriage it's not unreasonable to have sex 2-3 times a week. He's mentioned this before and has always accepted I'm knackered but last night he started to get quite angry about it and said he feels like a pervert when he makes advances to me and I turn him down. I can see his point so I said I will make more of an effort but he thinks sex shouldn't have to be an effort. But I also don't want to feel I have to do it now when I don't want to!
Any advice or help?! Thanks.
Tried once after having dd, hurt so not bothered since, so I'd say never but I'll not really bothered and neither is oh so suits us fine.
Maybe explain to him that it's normal to go through luls but that doesn't necessarily mean it will be that way forever. I know from experience that men think 'if were only having sex once a week now, then soon it will be once a fortnight and then only once a month'.
After ds was born my libido was down a little so we varied between 4-6 times a month. When ds was about 2 and I'd come of the evil pill again and finally let all my hormones even out it went back to normal.
Ds is now 5 and we are at around 3 times a week.
I still turn him down though
Ummm... Once in the past 18 months
Got pregnant, did it once @ 3 months, DH didn't feel comfortable doing it with dd in tummy. Dd born 9 months ago, only just moved her into her own room this week, & I didn't feel happy doing it with her next to me in her cot.
Must say DH works shifts so only see each other alternate weeks ... So that's only 9 months really, right?
Has he taken turns with you settling the baby?
He's handled it very badly, and as such I'd rather it was him that was asking for advice and considering how to fix this, not you.
However, sometimes being right isn't as important as being happy - provided that happiness is genuine and not actually you being made to change your view to someone else's 'happy'.
My post is going to assume that he is a good man who doesn't have any feelings of entitlement over sex. For most people sex is part of the deal when you embark on a relationship. Very few people will be content in a sexless relationship, and as such it is unfair and unrealistic to expect the absence of sex not to cause problems. However, once a week is fairly good going with three young children including a baby. I think most reasonable men would feel quite lucky TBH. If your H shows any signs of feeling that he is entitled to sex regardless of how you feel; if he doesn't do his fair share around the house or with the DC, the following advice really doesn't apply.
Being continually rejected is hurtful. If you really are making your DH feel like a pervert, I can understand why he might have lost his control and ended up having a go. It was the wrong thing to do but if it's been going on a while and you're both suffering from sleep deprivation, I can see how it might have happened. It may be the case that what you're seeing as angry demands is, from his perspective, hurt and fear that you no longer desire him and no longer care about him.
At the same time, when you have three children, including a baby, it can feel that everyone wants a piece of your body and your time, so that there is nothing left for you. The expectation of sex on top of this is just too much and can feel like a chore. A partner who keeps bringing up the lack of sex can make you feel very stressed and sometimes worthless if the implication is that you are less of a woman/wife.
I'd pick a quiet time when you are both calm to talk about it - over a meal with a nice bottle of wine is a good time. You can use the food as an excuse to take a few seconds to consider what you want to say if you need time to think about it or don't want to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
Start off by saying that you understand his frustrations and you really don't want him to feel rejected or hurt. You love him and you want to find a solution that works for your relationship. Then tell him how you feel and why. Explain that you need to feel like a desirable woman before you can feel like having sex. That means having sleep and a break from the domestic treadmill of child-related and housework related tasks. You need time to relax and rediscover yourself as separate from DC's mum. He can help that process by making sure he pulls his weight around the house, making sure he looks after the kids so that you can go for a walk/visit a friend/do a hobby, etc. Feeling sexy comes from within. If you feel good about yourself and your life, you feel more attractive. Your task as a couple is to get you to that place.
FWIW, I think the consensus is that the average couple has sex twice a week, but it's really a meaningless statistic as it says nothing about age, length of relationship, presence and ages of children, job demands, etc.
I second (actually third) Dahlens post, brilliant advice.
For what it's worth mine and DWs sexlife is pretty rubbish (post DC x2), probably once every few months. Has been intermittent/non-existent for nigh on five years now (since DC). Communication is the key, even if you don't actually have any sex the intimacy and closeness needs to still exist for the realtionship to work.
I don't have much confidence in our marriage being a long term proposition anymore because of the lack of communication (related to sex) in our relationship. I've tried to talk about my feelings, the constant rejections, the lack of confidence we both experience and I'd echo your husbands thoughts about feeling like a pervert/a frustrated, horny teenager selfishly wanting their "needs" fulfilled. The trouble is, it isn't really a need, and if one partner doesn't want it, it's unfair for the other to force/pressure the other into it. Because of the breakdown in communication between me and DW I've pretty much given up on initiating anything, I rarely talk about sex with her, try to avoid these topics on MN, can't watch it on TV (not porn, just normal telly!). It's all quite frustrating and makes me bitter and resentful, but it's the difficulty of communication rather than the act itself that I find most upsetting
Anyway, I'm hijacking your thread a bit. Keep talking and try to get DH to empathise a bit with how you feel, you sound like you're doing a good job of putting yourself in his shoes, maybe it's his turn to return that compliment?
Now I'm preg and with (thank god, improving) hyperemesis, 0 times a month. Also a bit scared as semen has something that can sometimes encourage labour to begin and as Im old, got a high risk of miscarriage anyway though I'm just past 13 weeks
I feel very sorry for husband. Gave him the go-ahead to watch some porn with my blessing when I'm in bed sick heh. He goes for the home grown self-made variety that some ladies like to upload, so I'm fairly sure there's been little abuse involved. I know lots of people would disapprove but I refuse to feel bad about. He's being amazingly supportive & non-pushy, the least I can do is let him know that any porn-watching won't lead to arguments!
Having said that, what Cogito said seems the most sensible to me, its not what everyone else does its what you find ok for you two. Also Dahlen's and GrandpaintheMicrowave's posts were great.
3 times so far this year
3 times in all of last year
not through my choice
When the littlest was younger, it was a few times a month rather than a few times a week but now he is over 2 and sleeping better, it is the latter.
It is pretty normal for your sex life to take a dip when they are young, but it should pick back up again soon.
I would definitely take Dahlens advice.
With us it's about 2/3 times a week...would be more if he had his way,but he is HUGE...sometimes once is enough..but there again what is huge...?...I often wonder
Take people's sums with a pinch of salt, they will mostly be exaggerated anyway.
Once a week, you have three children and a baby that is now just settling and he complains, I think he's bloody lucky!
Um. Twice this year, I think, and I am the one turning it down. My DH would think he'd died and gone to heaven if he got laid every week. We are affectionate, always reaching out for a hug or a grope, spoon in bed etc., and we do talk about it. He knows I want him to tell me if it makes him really unhappy, and that I'm trying to work out where my sex drive went. But I feel like shit about it. Anyway.
The problem with averages is its exactly that.
I agree with dahlen that the biggest problem isn't a difference in libido, it's feeling rejection and resentment.
I think having a set rule over regularity not only puts unfair demands on when life might not work that way - you all get the flu etc, but takes the fun out of it.
Probably average about 7 times a week. (seeing each other for about 3 years now)
Most mornings and some evenings depending if my DD is asleep or not.
She's always asleep at 6:30am so all good to go then.
And so much better in the morning as well, everythings a bit more sensitive.
Lovely way to start the day!
No where near enough due to various factors, kids, tiredness, him so stressed at work. I think I need to make more of an effort as well. Hmm Mr Heathcliff tonights the night....
Why is it that it always seems like its the man who wants/needs/demands "It" and the women are benevolent providers..?
Thanks for all the great advice! And I agree dahlens post was fab and made a lot of sense. We have spoken about it more calmly and DH aplologised for being angry about it. I initiated sex last night but he said he didn't want me to feel like I had to do it now. We were both tired so just went to sleep and cuddled instead. Today I went for a run then after my shower and called him from my mobile and asked him to come up (couldn't shout cos baby was asleep) and we DTD! In the afternoon! His face lit up when he saw me in bed after my shower lol. And I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it and was most satisfied
I think we just need to make time to do it, go to bed earlier, do it when kids are out etc. it's the thought of it makes me tired but every time when I do it, I love it and think 'we must do this more often!'.
I think most if not all couples go through this, especially when they have a growing family.
For the record 3-4 times a week (but our DC's are 14 and 10)
Don't worry, it's normal. If your DH is any thing like me he won't enjoy sex if your not feeling hot. It does nothing for me if my DW is not feeling it no matter how hot I feel.
Have a chat, I know the subject is difficult but try to break the ice. It's best to get these things out in the open so you both know how you feel.
It does make you feel a bit perverted when you keep getting turned down, I get how he feels and that's why its a good idea to have a chat.
Explain how hot you feel for him but try and explain that you don't always feel like that because your a Mum.
Men do loose their wifes for a few years while the kids are growing up but trust me, it comes back.
You are doing it more than we are OP
Dh would think he had died and gone to heaven if we were at it that often. As it stands it's once every 2-3 weeks. Our children are older but dh is away a lot and there is a lot of background stress. We are both very tired.
Great advice from dahlen - hope you two can find a way through it.
Why is it that it always seems like its the man who wants/needs/demands "It" and the women are benevolent providers..?
It's the low drive/high drive split I think. Not automatically a gender split though as a lot of threads on MN testify.
The low drive partner will be the benevolent provider because they are 'offering' something that isn't necessarily required of them. The high drive partner will be the one who wants/needs/demands sex. In a loving relationship the low drive partner can provide without having a need satisfied (the need doesn't exist to them in the same way), they may still enjoy it though. The high drive partner is in a different position in that to get their requirements they need to behave in ways that are unacceptable. It's the 'need' that is driving one and not the other... In simplistic terms one has a choice the other doesn't (if you view the need for sex to be a true need at all of course!)
Regarding the apparent gender skew, I don't know, there could be society-based reasons, it could be the hormone/physiology particularly post child-birth differences. I don't know of any research into it may be worth a Google?
All the above is IMO of course, I'm not a professional etc...
I think the reason there is a gender skew is because if the woman is the one in the marriage being denied affection/intimacy/sex we dont talk about it as often because sexless relationships tend to be blamed on women a lot.
i saw a post on Dadsnet to asking about this and it only took 3 posts before someone asked her "has YOUR physical appearance changed. Have YOU gained weight. Yet ive also seen posts on here where an MNer is having problems with a VERY low libido partner who then becomes emotionally abusive when she dares to try to discuss it.
I think the way women are blamed when they go off sex and then blamed again when its their partner who goes off it probably causes a lot of us to keep quiet about it which makes ppl think the amount of women who go off sex is higher than the amount of men who go off it thus creating this "gender skew"
What happened when i spoke out yesterday.
I was talking to a female friend about my situ yesterday and a bloke friend of hers was earwigging.
He said to me, a. sex isnt everything.
b. Why dont you become an escort if you like sex so much
So what he really meant was.... Sex isnt everything for women
cos they shouldnt like it anyway
And why dont you become an escort
because the mens needs have to be fullfilled
So that is a good example of how womens needs are seen by society.
Join the discussion
Please login first.