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Im not sure how to handle this...

(33 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 00:33:35

Dd 21. Her bf has spent the last 11 years in & out of prison. He's 25.

They've been together 4 years. He's a control freak. Hes gets physical as does she. Terrible arguments even whilst he was in prison. She has a good job, will be fully qualified in her field in another year. He's never had a job.

She won't leave him. He came out of prison last Friday. He's been at my house ever since. They didn't ask me if he could stay. If I tell her to leave, he'll have total control of her. I don't want him here. I don't get on very well with dd. She treated me very badly a few months ago- I was quite shocked at how horrible she was to me even though I've seen her treat friends badly I was still shocked by how she treated me.

She's 21. A grown up- is it time to let her go & lie in the bed she's made? or do I continue to support her in every respect even though i totally disagree with the choices she is making?

What would you do?

Twinklestein Mon 21-Oct-13 19:43:04

I think you should aim at some later point to give your daughter the same help as you gave your son, but I would defer it. You'll end up enabling their relationship even more.

If she has to find her own accommodation, she will have to share with other people & that will make her a) a bit safer than being on her own with him & b) it will make the relationship less cushy to maintain.

You say he's not dangerous OP, but all controlling men are dangerous, even ones who haven't 'got physical' as he has in your words, or been to prison. That's not what you want to hear when you're pregnant, but it can't be avoided.

Tulip26 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:54:32

Is he likely to reoffend? The problem may solve itself if he ends up going to prison in the future.

I think you need to think of yourself and your baby first. You daughter is an adult and your relationship with her will improve when the baby comes and she gets to play "big sister."

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:08:31

Of course he will re offend! He's been in & out prison or young offenders institutions since he was 14. Last time he lasted 6 months before ending up back in prison.

Dd has been with him 4years & about 3 different sentences, the longest being two & half years. I can't stop her seeing him. In fact there is nothing more I can think of. I've tried every tactic but she wants to be with a criminal, ultimately I have to learn to tolerate her choice.

I wasn't in the court-dd told me about the CPS bringing up his history. I didn't think they were allowed to thst but I think it was relevant & thsts why it was allowed to be used by the CPS.

Dd is already a 'big sister'. The new baby is not very significant in her life.

Thanks for all the suggestions. At least I know I've tried & now I have to resign myself to the situation.

TerrorTremor Mon 21-Oct-13 20:18:08

How long have they been together?

Has she just been horrible since she has been with him?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:23:26

They've been together 4 years.
I only met him about two & half years ago.

Dd has always been difficult, even as a young child. The whole situation with the bf has made it even more difficult.

Chocydoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:28:08

Ive been your daughter. The only person that can change her life is her. You can tell her til you are sick of your own voice but she wont leave him until she is ready. And she will.....
Just let her know you are there and dont argue with her about it. It will only push her closer to him. Im so sorry, you must feel helpless. She obv has no idea how scared you are for her.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 21:09:20

Thanks Chocydoo. I know your right...

Nottalotta Tue 22-Oct-13 09:02:04

Don't set them up in a flat, that would be making life far too easy. Kick him out and send him on his wayvto the council. Tell her she can stay and that while you understand she wants to be with him,.you would like her to stay at least til shes done with her studies.

The council either won't help him or will put him in a hostel. Hopefully he will reoffend soon and he will be accommodated by Her Madge!

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