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I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

(461 Posts)
youvegotmail Sat 19-Oct-13 22:05:49

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. confused Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

fromparistoberlin Thu 07-Nov-13 09:55:22


I have read thread (jesus) and I think you are being very normal, human and reasonable to be honest

I dont think you are "insecure", and I think he has crossed boundaries and has convinced himself its OK

I think that I had an EA, and I stopped engaging with this chap as (a) it pissed P off and (b) I had a couple of filthy dreams about them blush

what I am trying to say is that deep down your DH knopws this is wrong, but it sounds like he is in massive denial

AND this might all run its couyrse

but I think you are right to be concerned and dinner party is a cunning plan

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 07-Nov-13 00:18:22

Hi youvegotmail
How are you doing?

CalamityKate Mon 04-Nov-13 20:50:32

Hope you're OK OP.

garlicvampire Sun 27-Oct-13 22:53:27

... I've also been on both sides of this, as it happens. A few weeks after my extremely tense evening, busting a gut to be friends with XH's assistant, he announced he was in love with her.

I've often wished I'd had Mumsnet back then - but not if my thread had gone like this one!

garlicvampire Sun 27-Oct-13 22:50:17

Grumpasaurus, your friend's wife's dinner evidently set her mind at rest. I don't get the impression mail's evening was quite so reassuring ...

Grumpasaurus Sun 27-Oct-13 21:09:16

This is my first post.

I have been in a very similar situation to this. I was (and still am!!) really close to an old colleague of mine, who is about a decade older than me, and has a wife and two young girls.

We used to email and text quite a lot when we still worked together, and always went for walks at lunch. We even travelled abroad together a few times. The only way I can describe our relationship is to say that we were like long lost siblings. I didn't fancy him, and vice versa. He offered me a lot of guidance professionally, and I think I was a good sounding board for him.

His wife also invited me for dinner shortly after I moved to the UK. I have no idea whether this was on the basis of jealousy or not; it didn't appear to be on the face of it. Now I baby sit for them, have their girls on over night visits, stay over at theirs, etc. This relationship has continued for over five years; they have been a constant for me throughout my dating life, and have welcomed my new husband into our little circle openly.

So, dare I go out on a limb, and suggest that it really MAY just be that they are good friends? People can connect on so many different levels; if your husband is open with you and includes you in parts of their relationship, and is otherwise a good and loving husband...I would say you are a lucky lady who may make some new friends!

Scarymuff Thu 24-Oct-13 22:52:11

Come back when you are ready OP, with a new thread. If you want any posters here to come over to your new thread, you can pm us. Hope you're ok, take care.

AlfalfaFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 22:17:55

I have an immense amount of respect for you op, you know how to cut through the crap both here and in rl flowers

ZombieZing Thu 24-Oct-13 21:42:34


all the best thanks, I hope you get the advice and help you need asap and that one way or the other your relationship with your husband gets sorted.

and I think you know who amongst us are here to try and help and who are here guided only by "morbid" curiosity - so best to concentrate on the former!wink

all the best thanks

QuintsHollow Thu 24-Oct-13 21:34:24


Op is not posting for our entertainment. I am sure she would like to put this charged thread behind her and move on.

There will be plenty of advice for her when she gathers her thoughts and posts.

Good luck, youvegotmail. I wish you all the best and hope you find clarity and support. smile and wine and cake

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 21:30:43

Take care you'vegotmail....


youvegotmail Thu 24-Oct-13 21:29:26

Coolforcatz I don't know if you realise this, but your claim that "there's no harm in asking for an update when people, including me, are genuinely interested in how she's getting on" is in no way reflected by your 'Proper update needed' post. It's abrupt, in no way responds to my posts and is actually quite rude.

I'm stepping away from this now... Thanks again to all lovely peeps.

Coolforcatz Thu 24-Oct-13 21:26:14

This thread has more than enough aggro indeed, so stop ruining her thread.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 21:12:48


1) I'm not being sensitive 2) it is not up to you to demand a proper update 3) she explained she'd start a new thread etc etc 4) how do you get from a few people calmly commenting on your post that there are a pack of Rottweilers???

Is it me or are there an influx of posters who just want to antagonise. Most of which I don't recognise their names so maybe they're newbies who don't quite understand how threads work.

This thread has had enough aggro I think.

BouquetFanjo Thu 24-Oct-13 21:04:15

Coolforcatz, this isn't flipping eastenders.
Have a bit of respect for the OP.
You know the person behind the posts, with a real life, head wrecking situation.

Youvegotmail, look after yourself.

Coolforcatz Thu 24-Oct-13 21:02:18

Why so sensitive? And I'm not on about the OP either.

She was going to update last night but due to some heartless comments she didn't, there's no harm in asking for an update when people, including me, are genuinely interested in how she's getting on.

The OP needs support, not a pack of frigging Rottweilers 'protecting' her.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 24-Oct-13 21:01:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 24-Oct-13 21:00:59

Oh Youvegotmail, you have nothing to apologise for. Hope you're OK.thlsmile

eatmydust Thu 24-Oct-13 20:58:07

Thanks for coming back youvegotmail. Don't worry you have nothing to feel silly about. We are here when you are ready to start posting again. Hope last night wasn't too awful for you

cloudskitchen Thu 24-Oct-13 20:57:58

I'm sorry if I've missed it (and that your thread seems to have not run smoothly shock ) but have you had your dinner? how did it go?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Oct-13 20:57:39

Coolforcatz.....that really wasn't cool.

DownstairsMixUp Thu 24-Oct-13 20:53:44

Hope you are ok youvegotmail glad you are feeling a bit braver, will hope to see your new thread soon.

FlankShaftMcWap Thu 24-Oct-13 20:52:42

Why? OP will update as and when she feels when wants to, if ever. This thread is for her benefit not a serial drama.

Hope you are well OP, and last night hasn't worsened the situation. flowers

Coolforcatz Thu 24-Oct-13 20:49:15

Proper update needed.

youvegotmail Thu 24-Oct-13 20:45:43

Thank you for all the replies and for the PMs. I promise I do really appreciate everybody who has taken the the time to give me wise and genuine advice on here or via pm. I will reply to the Pms when I'm a bit more together about everything.

I feel a bit silly about getting so upset about the post last night - I was really emotional, had had a few drinks and feeling mocked just felt like the last straw.

I think I'll start a new thread when I feel a bit braver! Thank you again.

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