Internet Dating..... A Question???

[FelineSad]

So I've entered the murky world of internet dating. I have a profile with a perfectly normal photo. One that is good enough to establish whether or not you would be physically repulsed by me or not.

I chat to men and they keep asking me for 'more photos'. I really didn't understand it because they've seen my photo, chatted and we seem to be getting along ok so couldn't understand why they would need more photos.

Now I'm wondering if they mean more intimate photos, underwear ones etc etc. So could someone enlighten me? Is this what they mean when they ask for more photos?? obviously I wouldn't send any but I was chatting for several days to someone who seemed really nice. he then asked for 'more photos' and when they didn't materialise has disappeared into the ether?

[Ginocchio]

Yes, that's probably exactly what he meant, I'm afraid.

Judging by the number of women's profiles that say "and no, I'm not going to send you pics of me in my underwear", I'd guess it's pretty common.

[Admiraltea]

When I dated I had a few photos..niceish profile one and a few snapshot type, on holiday, in garden all wearing clothes but could see me in different settings and my general figure/style of dressing. One photo would be a red flag for me ...you need to be sure the person is real and not just a random head shot nicked off the internet, a few general photos can help...no need at all for underwear!

[FelineSad]

Admiral Ok. I will look for some more. For me one photo was enough as most of the ones I've seen seem to be in 'real' settings.

The only thing was the 'nice' guy had one photo and he didn't look 51 in it which was what he claimed to be so it should probably have been me asking for more photos!!!

In the short time I've been internet dating I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion it's not for me!!

Had lots of interest of very young illiterate Asian guys who obviously think a 48 year old will be desperate for anything!

[Concentrateonthegood]

I agree with Admiral. Just a range of shots showing the real you. I only had a head shot and I kept getting requests for more but thought they were genuine requests and not requests for soft porn.

When on pof a few years ago, men very definitely did ask for different pictures and were not subtle about it and left me in no uncertain terms exactly what they wanted so I would take the requests of more pictures of you at face value. Good luck. I met a lovely man on e-harmony in August so there are some out there!

[FolkGirl]

Wow.

I've been doing OD for nearly 4 months. I've not once received an inappropriate message or had requests for more photos which would just confirm my suspicions that I'm so hideous no one would want to see any more of me, if it weren't for the fact that I have chatted with several men and been on 7 first dates! I have one head and shoulders shot which shows what I look like, one head and shoulders in which I'm a bit more made up (quite 'vampy')and one fairly distance shot which shows me participating in a hobby - to prove I'm not lying.

I would just block any men who didn't seem genuine.

I also block men who look at my profile several times but don't make any contact because I think that's just weird!

But no, no requests for any extra photos at all.

[ALittleStranger]

FolkGirl also I didn't get any requests for smutty pictures and only one or two inappropriate messages. It may be common but it's not normal. Esp if you stay off the dreaded POF.

OP I agree you need more of a range of pictures. One picture doesn't really tell anyone much.

[FelineSad]

Oh in the two weeks I've been OD I've had several inappropriate messages and this isn't on POF which I'd expect. This is on a site you have to pay for! The worst one was 'horny man want you'!!!!

I find the whole OD odd. There are certain men who constantly wink at you. Surely they only need to do it once? if you've ignored their first wink another ten isn't going to change your mind?

Also odd the ones who want a 'serious relationship' but live 200 miles form you. What's the point of that???

The ones who wink and you so you send a message and then never hear from them???

Early days I suppose.

At least my cat still loves me (he's sat on my chest purring as I type!)

[FelineSad]

Ok. I'm out and about a lot this weekend so will invest in a range of pictures... And give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

[FolkGirl]

OH well you have to just ignore the persistent winkers!!

They don't even register on my radar. If I counted all of those in the number of men who've contacted me, it would be off the scale!

You've got to remember you will encounter the whole spectrum of humanity on OD -

there are some men who are arses (I give you "I will buy you chocolate when you are PMSing");

the boring and miserable ones ("Feeling lonely, hope you will be the one to put a smile back on my face")

the unrealistic ones (the unattractive, overweight 50+ men who are looking for "a Kate Moss/Sienna Miller lookalike - must look good in skinny jeans)

the lovely, intelligent, kind, sensitive, funny but not ready for a new relationships ones (feeling very sad because I've just had to end things with one of these)

Then there are also people who find it difficult to make connections with people IRL because of, for example, SpLDs (I've been on 3 dates with 3 different men with an AS dx - which is a high % when you think I've only been out with 7 men. But then I am specifically looking for an intelligent, somewhat geeky man...)

Or they're just not very bright (I play a game with myself where I try to guess what their level of education is going to be just from reading their personal ad bit. I'm getting pretty good at it...).

They're all out there!

[FelineSad]

Oh I can work out the not very bright ones. I discard anyone who uses text speak,doesn't write in sentences or if they do don't use a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence.

Even at this early stage I do find some people really odd in the initial stage and I certainly had one where I thought he ahd ASD or some other social issues. He had a photo on his profile and it looked like somewhere where I'd been so I asked him about it. He just ignored my question and started asking me other questions mainly about my dating history. It was like he had his own script that he was going to stick to no matter what and the dialogue certainly wasn't two way.

My friend has done loads of OD and has a plethora of anecdotes. One of the most amusing was the bloke who, on the first (and last) date, asked, 'Do you do anal? Because if you don't this just won't work'!!!

[FolkGirl]

Just to be clear - I didn't have a problem with the men I dated who had AS diagnoses. One of them had put it in his profile; another had dropped enough hints for it to be clear to anyone who knew and then told me when we met up; the third told me half way through the date, but again, I had already suspected as much.

I don't have a problem with dating someone with AS. I was actually quite keen on one of the men, but the timing was wrong and he had a couple of interests that were incompatible with me but that was nothing to do with his AS!

[FelineSad]

Folk I don't think anyone did think that.You have to be with someone you're compatible with.

I did have a blind date with someone a few weeks ago (long story which i won't go into here) whom I had only communicated with via text (naively thought it was romantic). When we met turned out he had some sort of social anxiety disorder. He couldn't maintain a conversation and looked so uncomfortable it was off putting. I actually lasted three hours (!!!) because I felt so sorry for him. However there was no way I was going on a second date. It wouldn't be fair on either one of us.

[LividofLondon]

I've been dabbling on POF and FreeDating, and not once have I been asked for more intimate photos or been sent pics of naked men (although men can't send pics on POF because of the numbers who would send ones of their cocks!) I have 2 photos on my profile; one full body, with me wearing jeans and a cami, and the other is head and shoulders to give a better idea of my face. IMO this is enough for men to get and idea of whether I'm their type or not, and the only way to really find out is to meet me.

Regarding men's photos, I was amazed how many dodgy ones there are; some are stock photos and some are of celebs. What I found is that even if the setting is casual, if a photo looks too professional (good lighting, good focus) then it's usually a fake. I made a point of checking most of them using Google reverse image search and caught quite few fakers:
www.google.com/insidesearch/features/images/searchbyimage.html

[FolkGirl]

Just wanted to be sure Feline

I'm back on this evening for a look around and there are so few men that I'm interested in! I can't believe it.

I'm only actually searching based on distance (within 30miles) and education (Bachelors degree to PhD) and there isn't anyone I'm interested in!

I don't think that is too prohibitive a search criteria!

[FelineSad]

I'm giving E harmony a try. it seems less random. The other one was Match Me Now (which I had thought was match.com!!!)

[FolkGirl]

My friend married someone she met on eharmony. Good luck!

[BooHissy]

EHarmony drives me batty, most of the blokes don't seem to have photos.

I don't reckon on it at all, too contrived with the tossy questions imvho.

[SugarMouse1]

Another question, if you put photos on your profile, and your real name etc, what would you do if someone you knew recognized you? Wouldn't it be a bit embarrassing?

[BookFairy]

No requests for more photos, I just keep getting a lot of messages saying:
"hi"
"hey"
"hows u"

Beyond depressing. I genuinely despair!

[BookFairy]

sugarmouse I've told my friends. If someone I know saw me on there it would be because they were also on there...

[SuddenlySqueamish]

The different sites seem to attract certain types so if you're getting a lot of men who are being a bit sleazy and asking for more pics, maybe try a different site.

For example POF is a known sleaze-magnet while Match.com seems to be more for people interested in getting to know somebody and building a relationship.

I met my DP on OKCupid which seems to have a lot of nerdy types (the kind I go for) but it does also get the sleazy types because it's free. Have 2 other friends who met long-term DPs online - 1 on Match and one on eHarmony. Another friend keeps complaining about the men she meets online but won't venture outside of POF!

[FolkGirl]

Sugar I did see someone I knew on there. I didn't click on his profile though.

I sometimes wonder if I might be spotted by parents from the school I work in, but I haven't given too much of myself away and I think I come across quite well, so I wouldn't be too bothered!

I was contacted by IM this morning on two separate occasions by someone about 15 years younger than me.

"Hey babe" - close IM and ignore.

"Hi beauty" - block

I don't get disheartened by those, the decent men by far outweigh them.

The only thing that really annoys me is when someone winks without having first looked at the profile. Or when they are clearly completely incompatible with what I am looking for!

I always tend to think that children and education is the big deal breaker for me. If they are looking for someone with no children and definitely want them at some point then it's a non starter - I have 2 and definitely don't want anymore.

[feelinlucky]

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. I never get asked for naked photos!!! In fact, I'm beginning to think there's some kind if Pof conspiracy, I only get deeply unattractive men looking at me :) they're usually hgv lorry drivers! It's a conspiracy I tell you.

[JaceyBee]

What's wrong with Asian guys?? My man is Asian and he's the hottest guy I've ever known.

Fair enough you're not into young illiterate guys that's your choice but it was a tad unnecessary to refer to their race? Would you have said 'young illiterate white guys'? Probably not.

[FelineSad]

Jacey There's always one isn't there??!!! I was actually engaged to an Asian guy about 15 years a go and nearly converted to Islam so have no issue with anyone educated.

The fact that they are Asian suggests to me that they are possible after marrying some desperate older woman (48) to get a passport. the fact that they are practically illiterate suggests to me that they are not British born and therefore don't hold a British passport.

When a plethora of 20-30 year old illiterate Asian guys contact an obviously educated 48 financially secure woman I am not under any illusions that it is my wit and charm they are after. And for the record I have not had one white guy under the age of 40 contact me illiterate or otherwise.