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(106 Posts)
ANNETTE5355 Thu 17-Oct-13 19:32:50

I a guy a month ago and we still getting to know each other and now his ex wife who has been divorced from for 5 years (they have not been speaking much) wants him back,they have a 11 year old daughter together. They got divorced because she cheated on him and had another man's child. He told me on saturday and will be making his decision by the end of this week, he feels very bad for putting this on me and wants to do what is right for his daughter. I have been understanding and supportive up to now and listened, he has still been txting and ringing me everyday since she asked him.what do I do, how do I treat him, I have just been myself and not been any different and still laugh and joke and we able to talk about anything. He seems very confused.

Lweji Sun 20-Oct-13 13:48:18

I think the advice for counselling is quite good, as who (who has good self esteem) really wants to feel they are one of the three bachelorettes in the Dating Game? Or worse, the Bachelor? confused

It doesn't mean "you're abnormal and dysfunctional" (V.'s words).

Vivacia Sun 20-Oct-13 13:47:20

If it's a new way of thinking about relationships, I think it's a proportional and therefore kind response.

BasilBabyEater Sun 20-Oct-13 13:39:16

But the problem with leaving it at "this particular bloke isn't good enough for you" is that it doesn't address the problem of the next one, or the one after that...

Wellwobbly Sun 20-Oct-13 13:23:12

Sarcasm is passive aggressive.

Vivacia Sun 20-Oct-13 13:16:10

BasilBaby I found your post really useful. I just don't think hinting (or outright saying) "you're abnormal and dysfunctional" is helpful. Especially as her behaviour seems pretty normal to me, we've all made mistakes because we've wanted to be loved or supportive or a good friend.

ScaryFucker it's not an either-or situation. It's not a case of
1) "Stand By Your Man And Be A Doormat" or

I agreed with the early advice of,

3) "he's not good enough for you mate, tell him you've made the decision for you".

Lweji Sun 20-Oct-13 13:07:35

Not sure what Vivacia would have considered helpful. confused

And the theory comments are weird at best. They don't sound sarcastic nor passive aggressive. Just provocatory, IMO.

And if you have better, more thoughtful advice why not go ahead and give it?

The OP has her own reasons for not returning. She may not have liked the answers here, she may have told him to feck off and has no more need for advice, or she may be on NM asking for more advice.
It's up to her and no need to tell off posters about something we know nothing about.

Thants Sun 20-Oct-13 12:58:57

Don't wait on his decision. If he cared about you he wouldn't need time to decide he would know that he wants to be with you. Walk away because he is walking all over you.

ScaryFucker Sun 20-Oct-13 12:50:41

Also, it seems logical to me that if lots of people are saying the same thing, they probably have a point

ScaryFucker Sun 20-Oct-13 12:48:56

Viv, would it have been better if people had given her a patronising pat on the hand and said "you stand by your man, he's just a bit confused right now, you know how men are so hard of thinking.... etc" ?

That would have been very unhelpful. As it turns out that is entirely the tack she has taken, but it is her own choice what she does with the advice that she specifically asked for

BasilBabyEater Sun 20-Oct-13 12:13:48

I don't think people are being unhelpful Vivacia, I think they're trying to be helpful; they want the OP to recognise not just that the bloke's behaviour is a problem (he's clearly fucking her about) but that her behaviour is a problem as well - the response of a normal, functional woman to such behaviour would be to instantly bin him, while her response was to give him the benefit of the doubt.

That's a bigger problem for her, because she can get rid of the bloke, no problem, but she's left with the fact that she is prepared to put up with shit from men and call it being supportive - what about the next git who comes along? That's a much bigger problem for her and people want her to see that and address it, so that she doesn't ever get treated like this again. I don't know how to express it any more helpfully than that, hope you're not experiencing this as unhelpful OP.

Vivacia Sun 20-Oct-13 11:58:52

I'm being sarcastic, it's not passive aggressive. I'm really surprised at how unhelpful people are being to the OP. I'm not surprised she's not returned yet for more of the same treatment.

Wellwobbly Sun 20-Oct-13 11:01:09

<adds confused to Lweji>

passive aggression is soooo attractive, don't you find?

Lweji Sun 20-Oct-13 08:23:58


Vivacia Sun 20-Oct-13 08:19:01

Phew, glad somebody finally had a theory to share.

Wellwobbly Sun 20-Oct-13 07:51:02

Hey! Does anyone have a theory as to why OP's boyfriend is doing this?

Yes. It is as clear as mud.

'The Unified Theory of Cake'

Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)

The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense.

Cake eaters act vague. They need time. They appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.

There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave.

BasilBabyEater Sat 19-Oct-13 20:02:45

The reason he told you this, is because he can't continue to see you anymore because his wife is getting suspicious, but he doesn't even have the cojones to dump you. He thought that you'd be so outraged by being told that you're the also-ran, that you'd send him a furious text telling him it was finished and then he could breathe a sigh of relief that it's over, tell himself you ended it not him so he's not the bad guy and spend the next six or so weekends with his wife so that her suspicions are allayed before he starts up again on the dating site.

Really OP you need counselling because if you have so little self-esteem that you would tolerate this sort of man in your life, you need to do something about it otherwise you will spend the next few years being walked all over and you don't deserve that.

ouryve Sat 19-Oct-13 19:32:00

Or maybe not. Hey ho.

ouryve Sat 19-Oct-13 19:28:06

If he has to stop and think about it, your decision is made, already. Besides, getting back together with an ex isn't something you simply do for the sake of a child.

Now I'm going to read the rest of the replies, as I assume this has moved on since your first post.

ScaryFucker Sat 19-Oct-13 19:27:52

< backs away slowly from the fighty one >

Strangely enough, most people post on the relationships board because they are concerned about the OP and don't want to see her/him get hurt.

Vivacia Sat 19-Oct-13 19:24:02

Hey! Does anyone have a theory as to why OP's boyfriend is doing this?

ScaryFucker Sat 19-Oct-13 19:19:06

I'd feel better if she has dumped him.

Not my problem though, of course.

The lack of response implies she has run screaming back to his duplicitous arms, but we don't know that. Not hard to imagine though. sad

Branleuse Sat 19-Oct-13 19:18:41

hes still with her.

Vivacia Sat 19-Oct-13 19:09:13

She should have stuck around for a bit more of people telling her how niave she is, if the first ten weren't enough.

ScaryFucker Sat 19-Oct-13 18:42:44

where has OP gone ?

nkf Sat 19-Oct-13 15:29:50

You move on. It's over. Can't you see that?

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