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Do you think an affair can be harmless if it's never discovered?

(241 Posts)
Dietxokebreak Thu 17-Oct-13 18:23:54

And if its mainly physical, neither party had any intention of leaving their partner and it's conducted at times they would be away from their families anyway?

Dietxokebreak Thu 17-Oct-13 20:39:50

Ok I know I will be flamed but I'm asking as I'm the ow

I'm single though, he's a colleague, married with children. It's not actually physical that often but what I meant by mainly physical was that there's no great emotional connection - we are basically just friendly colleagues who occasionally cross the line. I wouldn't want a proper relationship with him and I'm sure he feels the same way and has no desire to leave his family.

I suppose I'm just kidding myself that what we're doing isn't so bad as he seems to be a good husband in every other way and says he is happy with his wife and I don't want a proper relationship right now as I am moving back home soon.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:42:49

Yes, you are kidding yourself. You will look back on this and feel very ashamed of yourself one day. Find a single bloke to be your Fuck Buddy, you won't get any support from here.

End it.

MissScatterbrain Thu 17-Oct-13 20:43:17

A good husband?! He is a liar and a cheat who and is risking the happiness and welfare of his wife and DC.

Sidge Thu 17-Oct-13 20:44:39

Affairs are based on deceit, concealment and selfishness. How can that ever be harmless?

And how can a man who cheats on his wife be a good husband? He's a liar, a cheat, a coward and a user.

How you can find that attractive enough to want to fuck him I have no idea...

BornToFolk Thu 17-Oct-13 20:44:59

as he seems to be a good husband in every other way

Every other way apart from the most important one i.e. being faithful.

Affairs are always damaging and people (including his children by the way, have you even considered them?) always get hurt. And I think that people who get involved in affairs are pretty fucked up, tbh.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:45:32

You won't be the first, and possibly not the only current one.

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 20:46:54

Read my thread, try and understand the heartache and pain that I am going through every minute of the day even before my suspicions were confirmed and then re-think what you are doing.

If he says he's a good husband to you, he is lying to you as well to justify his actions.

The physical and emotional pain is immeasurable!

Onebuddhaisnotenough Thu 17-Oct-13 20:47:56

Lol at you. You think you're his only funk buddy ? How very sad.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Thu 17-Oct-13 20:48:34

Oops. Typo.

MissStrawberry Thu 17-Oct-13 20:49:44

So a good husband in every way except the way he really should be. hmm

Why are you allowing yourself to be used like this? Are there no other men within a million miles of where you live?

Have a bit of self respect you silly woman.

MissStrawberry Thu 17-Oct-13 20:50:21

You had better be using condoms.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 17-Oct-13 20:50:50

He is damaging his marriage - he will act differently towards his wife as he is getting attention elsewhere and because he will look at her with contempt because she is 'so easily deceived' - he will lose respect for her (ironic isn't it).

It is up to you if you are prepared to be party to doing that to someone else's marriage and think about how you will feel in years to come... will you be happy with your actions?

ALittleStranger Thu 17-Oct-13 20:50:57

I love the way you minimise the emotional connection etc, as though it makes it better that he's risking his family for so, so little. hmm

I'll be honest, I've cheated on a couple of boyfriends (never with marriage/kids involved]. Once I wasn't caught, the other time I confessed after we broke up. Even at that level it was damaging. In my experience you always end up judging your partner for not guessing/calling you out on it. At the same time they know something is up but can't quite put their finger on what. It erodes the intimacy. They'll also be constantly checking themselves in the relationship in case they use the wrong in-joke, allude to the something that happened with the other person. Compartmentalising becomes very difficult and the upshot is they have to disinvest. I think it's also hard not to judge yourself and that can lead to all kinds of risky behaviours/choices.

If you don't want a proper relationship find yourself a willing fuck-buddy. There are enough single men who don't want a relationship out there.

RadagastTheBrown Thu 17-Oct-13 20:52:52

As a married bloke, I can categorically say he is NOT a good husband - neither his nor your actions can be condoned. If you had a shred of decency you would end it right now!

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 20:53:13

i think it is totally harmless. in my younger wilder days i did have several affairs with married men, it was purely sex and i never wanted any of them to leave their wives.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 20:53:55


Leavenheath Thu 17-Oct-13 20:54:25

Are you having sex and relationships with other people as well?

If not, what's in this for you?

I can't see how irregular sex with a liar is a lifestyle aspiration but I guess it depends on how important sex and/or intimacy are to you as a person.

I'm looking at the self-interest angle here because you wouldn't be in a relationship with a MM if you cared tuppence about the other woman in this triangle, or her kids. So why is this enough for you?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 17-Oct-13 20:55:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 20:58:14

that was MY opinion chipping, and you know even less then fuck all about if it damaged their marriage then i apparently do!

also no i am not a troll

MissStrawberry Thu 17-Oct-13 20:58:19

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chibbs Thu 17-Oct-13 20:59:31

neither miss, just giving my opinion on something i have experianced.

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 17-Oct-13 21:03:47

No. It is a complete sentence. Remember the vows:

The avoidance of sin
The procreation of children
Mutual comfort

RadagastTheBrown Thu 17-Oct-13 21:03:54

Chibbs - you never wanted them to leave their wives, well that makes it all OK then, I guess. You hide behind 'younger and wilder' - I can think of many more suitable adjectives to describe both your attitude and behaviour!

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:04:09

The whole thread is a suspect premise, tbh

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 21:05:12

Yup, it's real wild to have grubby sex with a deceitful knob.

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