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4 years ago tonight.

(18 Posts)
Seth Wed 16-Oct-13 23:54:29

My dh walked out on me and our 2 year old DD.We'd been trying for a second baby which seemingly slipped his mind whilst he'd been with 'girl from work' . I found out I was pregnant a week after he left which I stupidly thought would bring him back.

I am so glad I found mumsnet grin and a group of lovely strong ladies to get me through that first year. Any Fucker, Countingtonten and a lovely lovely poster who is no longer on here (Whenwillifeelnormal). Many many dark nights of despair, fear, disbelief and a huge sense of injustice at what had happened and the fact that the person who I thought I would grow old with had stolen our future to be with someone else. Anyway point being is that it was horrific, certainly for the first year ( lots of to-ing and fro-ing on his part..I love you..then leaving again..I put up with way too much) .but for em anyone going through this..please please follow the advice on here from the lovely people on here who have been through the same. I let things drag on far tooling and believed the unbelievable for far too long as I desperately wanted him back (mainly fear of the future alone I now realise not love ) It took almost 2 years at the hands of his indecision . for me to be the one that finally said no. Anyway fast forward from those dark times and I now look on that day as the best thing he ever did . I saw a therapist and came to terms with some v long standing issues that had almost certainly played a part in my marriage breakdown. I wrote and wrote and wrote everything down that I was feeling every night and it
really helped. Now I see I wasn't actually that happy in my marriage after all which came as a slow and painful realisation over time. 4 years on and my DDs are 3 and 6 and I am so thankful for every day. For those of you going through it please don't doubt yourself and don't stay with
anyone out of fear of the future alone . It's painful and messy but that is better than than being with someone who doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve. I wish I had heeded more of
the advice on here at the time but I was so devastated I just wanted things back the way they were.

We are so strong as a little family unit and very happy. Of course it's hard but it's a very uncomplicated happy household with no tension, resentment or arguments. The DC's have a good relationship with him. I am ok with him ..I even walked his dog last week as a favour . I would never have thought a few years ago I would be doing that!

I have met someone else but that's just the icing on the cake. I had got happy by the time he came along which I now realise is more important than anything or anyone else.

Anyway bit of a ramble . I just wanted to say I am so thankful for mumsnet and all it's lovely wise women ( and men) and to all those going through it. Please don't think you can't do it because you can . Don't compromise and have faith in the future.

Sorry for typos. Phone! Grrr

BiscuitMillionaire Thu 17-Oct-13 00:00:16

If there was a 'like' button I would like your post. Best wishes to you.

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 00:05:11

Thank you x

LegoCaltrops Thu 17-Oct-13 00:06:39

That's lovely. Nest of vipers, don't you love it! smile

Seth Thu 17-Oct-13 00:20:50

Thanks. I meant to say.. I had huge questions over whether I would ever want to meet anyone else, if anyone would want me and 2 very young children , and how that would happen ( life was work - home -work home unless ex had DCs). It happened in the least expected way ever through a work connection, and he is far more lovely and well suited to me than my H ever was. I now look back on that day in Oct 2009 as the best decision he ever made!

ScarletLady02 Thu 17-Oct-13 00:24:10

I really needed to read that tonight...thank-you from the bottom of my heart. I'm glad you're happy

Libertine73 Thu 17-Oct-13 00:28:04

That's fantastic op, congratulations on your lovely new life smile

IamGluezilla Thu 17-Oct-13 00:44:58

Congrats! If appropriate.

I do miss WWIFN, her very thoughtful posts are missed.

WinkyWinkola Thu 17-Oct-13 02:26:09

Seth, I am so pleased for you. Happy and strong. How wonderful.

KalevalaForMePlease Thu 17-Oct-13 05:53:25

That's so lovely. Thank you for posting that, I wish you continued success in the future!

Chottie Thu 17-Oct-13 05:55:30

How lovely to read your post, your life has really turned around. I hope your post gives hope to other people flowers

imip Thu 17-Oct-13 06:00:22

A really inspiring post op. As a child of a relationship full of abuse, domestic and otherwise, I have been finding it therapeutic to come to the relationships board on occasion. I guess to make sense of my childhood. I hope your story inspires other women in your situation.

Fwiw, I was unceremoniously dumped after a 7 yr relationship. Wasn't married but were de facto partners. No dc involced. The pain was enormous. I was the final one to cut the cord. Although painful, as time goes on, it is an enormously powerful feeling.

ScaryFucker Thu 17-Oct-13 06:48:32

It makes me feel very happy to read this thanks

Mrsmindcontrol Thu 17-Oct-13 06:54:49

Congratulations to you for coming through the pain & heartache to be a stronger, happier person & mum to your DD.
You could be the poster girl for the message 'you will survive this pain'.

So lovely to hear of happy endings.

Seth Thu 17-Oct-13 07:49:56

Thankyou for your lovely messages. I think the biggest thing that held me back from getting stronger more quickly ( in case there is anyone reading this who is in the situation I was back then) is a lack of self esteem, and as a result of that I put more faith in him that I should have and have him too many chances. hmm

I didn't know about 'the script' at the time and he would always wait til the point I seemed to be getting stronger and disengaging from him and his life then profess his undying love for me.I desperately wanted him back (because of low self esteem , being pregnant , wanting the 'perfect' family back together, fear of the future) so I believed him . He always put on a convincing show and I think to this day he believed that's what he wanted at the time. I never let him move back in as I wanted to keep it to talking, dates, counselling etc.

Sure enough after a couple of months every time he'd be less 'transparent' about his life , would contact me less and there was generally less of everything.

I look back now and wonder why I allowed this to happen but it's hard when the person you have always loved is painting a soft focus picture of a house by the sea, a dog and happily ever after! hmm

I am not saying that it can't work after an affair or separation but don't let yourself be fobbed off. I remember posting on here saying 'DH is saying that he wants us to get back together but he's not doing x y z and he seems to be pulling away -do you think he really wants this?' The very fact that I had to post that should have said it all but I wanted to believe him.

It should be ringing loud and clear if the other person's heart is in it. They should be 100 % transparent about what happened, not blame you and prepared to do whatever it takes to get you back.

50shadesofknackered Thu 17-Oct-13 10:02:01

What a lovely post. Congratulations on your wonderful new life with your girls op.

NotForKeeps Thu 17-Oct-13 11:34:58

Lovely post OP and wonderful that you are happy again without him. Maybe 4 years later though is time to move on and put the should and shouldn't haves of the past behind you. Enjoy your new life!

MikeTheShite Thu 17-Oct-13 11:41:09

This post is so beautiful, lovely and heart warming its put my whole life in perspective, thank you

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