Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Lost it and told the kids it's Daddy's fault we're not living with him(71 Posts)
Exp told me he didn't love me anymore six months ago.
My first instinct was to run away with the kids. My parents moved four hours away ten years ago, down by the sea, and I've been struggling with parenthood since then, having been diagnosed with PND soon after the birth of DD (now 11).
We moved down to Dorset at the end of August, initially living with my parents and then renting a house from a private landlord through a letting agency. We've been in the house almost a month now and finally got the majority of our stuff from the old house last week.
I've been falling apart since Ex decided to end things but I'm slowly getting worse. I feel like I want to go to bed in the evening and not wake up the next morning.
I'm angry at Ex for not giving me any explanation about why his feelings changed, how he could just abandon me to single motherhood (knowing how much I struggle being a Mum as it is), for leaving me with the fallout of explaining to the kids about us splitting (DD figured it out for herself, DS1 (8) was told recently that Daddy won't be coming to live with us at the new house, DS2 (5) doesn't really understand or care one way or another).
I've just cooked tea, which DS2 roundly rejected without even trying it (very common, he is extremely fussy) and DS1 has barely touched. The new house has an electric cooker which I can't cope with so I ended up burning the chicken to the pan.
DS2 has had a massive strop over not being able to play the Wii and DS1 had a meltdown over the choice of DVD they were all watching. They've both done the jumping up and down, stomping up the stairs, screaming at me thing.
Then Ex phoned, at which point I told him I was sick of everything and that I would quite happily have all three kids adopted. He spoke to both boys and told them to apologise, but I said I didn't want their half-hearted apologies, which they didn't mean anyway.
After he went, I was angry and upset and told the kids that next time they see Daddy to ask HIM why he's not living here, because he wanted to leave Mummy and not the other way round and if it was up to me we'd still all be living together in our old house (that was mortgaged and decent, as opposed to the new place which has damp and insects in the kitchen cupboards and is disgusting to live in).
Now DD and DS1 have been crying and I feel like absolute shit. I feel sick and tired of having to live this shit life (and drag them along with me) when I didn't choose this and I had no choice in the matter. I feel like no one's getting anything out of this and that I'm making everyone around me unhappy because I'm so bloody unhappy all the time. It's not fair on the kids and I'm completely at the end of my tether and feeling lost.
I don't even know why I'm posting or what I'm looking for. It's either post on here (and just unload I suppose) or throw myself in the sea.
It gets better. Honest. You lost your temper, so just apologise. "Mummy is really upset at the moment, and I should not have shouted, I'm sorry." I wouldn't mention the bit about their dad.
It's fucking wearing being a single parent, and it does grind you down. I've certainly had days where quite frankly I would've have been happy to drop the kids at his and vanish in a dustcloud. But instead you cry when the kids are in bed, and then get up the next morning and do it all again with a smile plastered on. But the kids get bigger and it does get easier. As for fussiness, my dd3 will greet four out of ive meals with "I don't like that," and that's when she gets a sandwich and fruit instead. I don't have the energy to argue the toss about it all. She's not malnourished (or overweight) so that will do. Bigger battles to pick, y'know? But it does get easier.
I agree with the PP. Everyone loses their temper from time to time and DCs need to appreciate that Mum is a human being with real emotions. I'd also suggest apologising for losing your temper but then how about throwing them a challenge to behave more like a team now that Dad's not around.. working with you so that the house is a pleasant place to live? You're allowed to say (to them and others) that you need help. Good luck
I lost it with DS a few months ago and early pregnancy was my only excuse - yours is much better! Apologies and cuddles worked wonders. I don't think it's any bad thing for them to occasionally realise parents are human too, can be hurt, and can apologise. The fact you feel bloody awful is indication you're a decent parent, and this is not your norm.
Can you call your parents, tell them the kind of day you've had, and ask for some support this week to keep it together? Go easy on yourself, you've been through hell and it's still fairly early days. And kids are bloody hard, however rewarding. You're human, not a plaster saint.
Keep posting if it helps. As someone said to me when I felt so awful over what I said to DS, "nah, we're all in the trenches." And some of us aren't anywhere near as close to the Front as you are at the moment. Just hang on in there - things honestly will start to improve, it's just shitty right now.
Also, sorry if you've already done it and have the t-shirt, but have you talked to your new GP about your PND and the possibility of becoming depressed now, so you can access support? And have you thought of Home Start, maybe? They can play with your smallest, do some housework - just give you a breather. If anyone deserves it, I think a single mum in your new situation does. x
I'm pouring you a cup of tea, OP, and opening the wine.
It sounds very hard and I am not surprised you are fed up.
Can you still get some moral and practical support from your parents? Would they commit to a day or an evening a week, when they take over all the childcare, tea, bed time etc? I presume they are supportive as you moved to be near them?
And in due course, maybe at the weekend, would it be worth taking the kids for a walk on the beach and talking calmly to them about the new family they are in now? they may well have been feeling very unsettled if they weren't sure about what was happening about moving down without their Dad. Explain in a way they will understand that it was only between you and your ExH, nothing to do with them, he still loves them etc, and now you are living in your new house the 4 of you need to help each other as a team, look after each other, and together make the new house and the new place to live your own. Give them projects to do in their bedroom / s, small decoration or improvements or crafts - or all together make a cushion for each child. Get them feeling secure and knowledgeable about their new circumstance. Give them the chance to ask lots of questions.
Don't beat yourself up - you have been strong and done the right thing, moving to where you have family, sorting yourself out.
Painful times...I hope it eases up soon.
Well, I'm of the mind that it will teach them not to push their bloody luck. Job done. Don't fret over it. I'd be apologising about the same time they apologised for acting up... ie Never.
... and yes, before anyone starts, I know they have gone through the breakup and are probably missing their Dad, but it does not mean they get to treat the OP like crap.
Now, onto the real issue at hand. Your Ex. What on earth does he think he's doing? He cannot seriously be telling the children to apologise whilst not having the decency to discuss the breakdown of your marriage and why he has walked out on you (all). You need to talk to him & tell him that you need to talk - tell him you are not interested in badgering him into coming back, but that you need to talk things through and find out where it all went wrong for him to feel he had to do this.
Also, tell him you need practical & financial support - they are still HIS children.
Give me his number and I'll tell the prick for you!
Don't beat yourself up.
You are going through a shitty situation and it is down to him deciding he wants out.
Apologies to your DC for losing your temper. Don't apologise for what you said. You were not putting their dad down or being nasty about him, you just reached the end of your tether and gave them a few home truths.
If this is the first time you have done so despite being the one dumped with all the explaining you are doing an OK job in poor circumstances.
Hold the tea, lovely you need wine! I cannot imagine the pain you're going through. I lose it with DD1 sometimes. But as I am the grown up (alledgedly) I apologise to her. It is imporant for children to see that parents are not perfect but it also important that they see us apologise for bad behaviour. It will not be much comfort but playing up for you is really a back handed compliment - they feel safe and comfortable to be their most awful selves with you because they know you will continue to love them.
This is going to be hard for them as well as they don't understand why. Give yourself a break. Get to your GP - if you're not depressed, much more of this downward spiral and you are likely to get there.
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
Yes it is. But this is not adults when the platitudes above are fine and fair.
These are children. And engaging them in conflict, especially denigrating and blaming the other much loved parent is what destroys them.
If op needs to rant and rage _ and who wouldn't - do it to a mum, friend, counsellor, adult whoever but never never lay this shit on your kids
Whoa mumsforjustice I'm assuming you are perfect?
mumsforjustice - the OP is already beating herself up.
Does kicking someone when they are down make you feel big and clever?
Nobody, including (especially!) the OP thinks that involving kids in the middle of a break up is great.
Many of us have had terrible times and not been able to cope. Sometimes knowing that someone is on your side and is listening actually helps. That is ACTUALLY HELPS.
And you can make a point without being unkind and kicking someone when they are down.
It must be nice to be perfect mumsforjustice. I imagine the OP feels bad enough without your post.
You know the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything". Well this is one of the times that saying is appropriate.
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
Erk, mumsforjustice, you sound just lovely
OP, please reach out to someone in RL. Friends, family, your GP, the Samaritans, anybody. You need some support x
She has lost it once. This does not imply she is "on the road to fucking up her kids hugely".
As I said it must be nice to be perfect.
Blu and miranda; not so nice to seem defensive about your own past though?
OP you come across as very depressed, please book in with your GP tomorrow and get some professional help. As for your DC they know you love them and will forget about what has happened today probably before you forget about it.
I think at the moment you need to concentrate on yourself and your mental well being. Would it be possible for someone to give you a break in RL and maybe look after your DC for the weekend whilst you get your closest friends round for a drink and rant.
Heres some for you.
Am ignoring mumsforjustice, whose interesting contributions I have ignored elsewhere.
You're doing ok op honestly you are. I know exactly how you feel so in not going to spout platitudes (not that anyone else has) but just say, yes it's shit. Yes it's not fair. Get your head down, try and sleep and start again tomorrow. That's what I'm going to do. Pact on it, yes?
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.