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Will couples councilling sort out a mentally abusive relationship?

(49 Posts)
Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 19:12:52

Hi, long time lurker here, finally plucked up the courage to post!

Ok so there is so much to this sorry if its long trying not to drop feed.

Basically P was abused, physically and mentally by his step mother and thinking about it probably by his father also. I have now come to admit he is now mentally abusing me. I think it started when I was pregnant with dd, who is now 18 months, he didn't want me to keep her I simply couldn't get rid so we kept her this could have Been the trigger.

So after months of rows tears from me we split. He managed to talk me round, I came home the abuse stopped for a while but started again, this cycle has happened 3 times now with him always persuading me to come home and also my dm persuading me to give it another go.

So the last time it happened I agreed to relationship councelling, we have had a consultation, the councillor decided, yes we could do with councelling and we would hear from them to arrange a date to start. We haven't heard from them yet and again things were ok for a few days then went back to normal only this time he says sorry after he has shouted me down for whatever reason.

So what do you think?

The thing is I feel guilty, what he went through as a child must have been awful and although I know he makes me feel awful I can't help thinking its not his fault, end up feeling guilty so just accept what is happening.

I am finding it so hard to forgive and forget, I think he thinks 'we will just have councelling and that will sort us out' I'm not so sure. I also don't know how to support him, everything I do seems to be wrong

Can you forgive the person that abuses you? I don't think I love him anymore, I don't know if I will be able to love him again.

Then there's the house, we have joint mortgage a joint bank account, I only work 11 hours a week as I can't afford childcare, what will I do for money? where will I live? What do we do about the house?
It's all such a mess I don't know what to think anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy!

Thankyou so much If you have taken the time to read and reply to this.

Doubletroublemummy2 Tue 15-Oct-13 19:16:11

I would move out, you both attend the councilling and after that see how you feel. It is terrible what has happened to him but it is not your job to be the punch bag for his frustrastions. Good Luck

17leftfeet Tue 15-Oct-13 19:16:51

In my personal experience then no it doesn't work but my ex was never willing or able to take responsibility for his own actions and instead would behave badly then breakdown and blame it on whatever -crocodile tears

In terms of how you will manage, I don't know the answer to that as every situation is different however I do know that you will manage

KouignAmann Tue 15-Oct-13 19:21:24

He needs individual counselling to help him address his issues. Joint counselling isn't usually advised in abusive relationships, it just gives him more ammo.
Come over to the EA support thread and have a read of some links and join in. We all understand the FOG you are caught in. Fear Obligation and Guilt. But staying with him and being his verbal punchbag won;t help him change and it will teach your daughter this is acceptable. Oh and your DM is colluding. Is your parents marriage similar by any chance?
Well done for being brave enough to address this. You will be glad one day you did!

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 19:31:46

He has kind of accepted what he is doing, but hasn't changed.
I feel guilty about leaving him, he crys, told me once he would kill himself if that's what I wanted, of course that isn't what I want.

I also feel a bit ashamed an embarrassed, I keep running to my mum crying, telling her I've had enough I don't want to be with him, but then go back when he promises me he's sorry and he will sort it out, but he won't accept that he need councelling on his own.

He also ruined my breast feeding experience, I want producing enough milk, dd was starving I was desperate to put her on formula but he wouldn't let me, told me I was being a bad mother if I did that, he said 'over my dead body is our daughter going on formula. He knows now he was wrong but I just can't get over it.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 19:36:16

My parents marriage isn't perfect, but they never treated each other the way he treats me. I will have a read through the ea thread.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 19:37:29

He is so nice to my parents, and to me when they are around they love him, I dont think they think its that's bad.

Meglet Tue 15-Oct-13 19:43:08

No. The 'couple' part isn't the problem. His issues are the problem and only he can address them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 15-Oct-13 19:45:48

Joint counselling is never recommended where there has been any type of abuse within it. It gives the abuser in many cases more ammo to beat their victim with.

I would also stop listening to your mother as well because she is giving you extremely poor advice, she does not have to live with him either. You do not have to stay with such a man at all. Doing so will further kill any self worth you have left and also damage your child's perception of relationships in the process. Your DD needs a better relationship role model than the one she is currently seeing.

Abusive men often threaten to kill themselves if the victim speaks out as you have. They never do, its an empty threat to keep you hooked into this dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

It is better to be apart that to be badly accompanied as you currently are. This is never going to get better, he is too damaged and even if he went into therapy he would need several years of it and the chances are he would still not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 15-Oct-13 19:46:40

Abusive men can be very plausible to those in the outside world but its an act they have mastered. The mask always slips when they are at home behind closed doors.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 19:54:07

you all make so much sense I just wish I was stronger. I am worried about the effect it will have on dd, she is such a beautiful clever little girl and I know staying In this situation will probably ruin her life in the long run.

Hissy Tue 15-Oct-13 20:10:02

You will be stronger, you need to get your head around the situation you're in.

The fact that this is abuse, and he's doing it because he wants to.

He won't change, he won't kill himself either.

Get yourself outta there, get on the Freedom programme, and don't look back.

Never, ever, ever attend counselling with an abuser. He'll use it to gang up on you, and bury you.

MrsPnut Tue 15-Oct-13 20:14:55

Joint counselling is never recommended for an abusive relationship and a good counsellor should refuse to jointly see a couple where there is or has been abuse in the relationship.
You have said that you know you need to get out for your daughter, and that's true but take baby steps. Work out your plan, contact women's aid and you will be strong enough to live without him. You are worth something and you and your daughter deserve better. You can provide that for her, you just need to take the first steps today.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 20:26:11

He has whipped me with a tea towel during an argument and thrown a glass of water at me on a separate occasion? Would you class this as domestic violence? He has also punched walls on a few occasions he did this 'Because it was either me or the wall'

ModreB Tue 15-Oct-13 20:27:04

I was abused as a child - age 11yo -18yo by my SF. Verbally, physically and sexually. My DM diminished and denied, and still does.

Unless you separate and cut contact with DH and DC, it might work for you but not for your DC.

If you want to help your DD, get out now. And don't go back.

MissMarplesBloomers Tue 15-Oct-13 20:29:10

You will find a strength you didn't realise you possessed, but sometimes its not obvious when you are so emotionally battered by an abuser.

Contact your local WA they will help you get rehomed and get the financial support you need.

Maybe he needs to have this wake up call to get himself sorted out, but you and your DD deserve (and WILL HAVE) better.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 20:29:55

I'm sorry to hear that MODREB thanks

mcmooncup Tue 15-Oct-13 20:30:35

But you don't need counselling?
He does

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 20:36:23

He tells me I do, also used to tell me I had post natal depression, I'm pretty sure I didn't I bonded with my daughter straight away, she's what keeps my going.

MrsPnut Tue 15-Oct-13 20:36:38

Pompom - it is domestic abuse. By him hitting the wall he is using a fear of violence to control you. He is saying that he could use that violence on you if he wanted to and if you don't do what he wants then that's it - punching time.

My OH and I have disagreed on occasion - he has never thrown water at me, whipped me with a tea towel or hit a wall. We each express our side and try to come to a compromise - that's how it should be, no fear on either side that violence might come into it.

Xales Tue 15-Oct-13 20:43:53

He's not just mentally abusive.

He is physically abusive too.

I know staying In this situation will probably ruin her life in the long run. Yes this!!! Your DD was not wanted by this man. He would rather she suffered STARVING than you put her on formula.

This is not going to get better as she gets older and develops her own personality. Plus you are showing her that a partner who whips their partner, thrown glasses and punched holes in the walls is what she should expect and accept.

Do you want her to live the same as you are?

You both deserve better.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 20:59:32

You have all confirmed what I was thinking. Now I just need to find the strength.

Hissy Tue 15-Oct-13 21:28:34

WA can help you, your HV and GP can help you. We can help you.

You are the one that has to take that single step to freedom though.

Pompomfairy Tue 15-Oct-13 22:27:50

He has just phoned me (he is working away tonight) telling how much he loves me misses me, told him I was going to bed, he said oh but I want to talk to you (we don't really have anything to talk about, we have no interests or hobbies in common) this is when I start to feel guilty and think 'well he's being nice to me now'
Aargh he's a total head fuck!

ScaryFucker Tue 15-Oct-13 22:32:31

Why do you need counselling ? There is nothing wrong with you. There's a fuckload wrong with him, though.

Please leave him and make it permanent this time. Do it for your DD if not for you, he is a terrible role model for her and you are colluding with it if you stay.

Maybe he will sort himself out with individual counselling, maybe he won't. Perhaps only true loss will motivate him. He should not be allowed to treat his family so appallingly though in the meantime.

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