Hand holding needed please. I've done something really stupid

[notagoodmove]

Will keep as brief as possible.

Around 10 years ago I was in a very toxic relationship. Controlling, abusive, violent, aggressive, threatfull, toxic, scary relationship. Towards the end, ex was cheating on me. Relationship came to an end as he left to be with the OW, and he did so in such a cowardly, selfish way. (OW was 7 months pregnant at this point ). They settled down not far from where I live.

Very messy break up. He kept contacting me, even months after his child was born, to the point it was harassment. He would torment me relentlessly and emotionally, beg to rekindle things, tried to bribe me, build a "plan" together where we would run away and so forth.

The whole relationship left me with depression, terrible anxiety problems and huge amounts of daily panic attacks. I would flinch if there was a loud noise, I couldn't cope with crowds and life become almost unbearable.

Eventually, after a long, long time, with the love and support of my family, I cut the final contact and started to move on.

Years later, I met a lovely man, who is now my DH. He is loving, caring, kind, supportive and we have DC together. I feel safe and secure with him. He is my rock. He knows all my past.

Not seen/heard from ex for around 6-7 years.

This morning, for some stupid, stupid reason, I googled ex name. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I'm a fucking idiot. A total total twat.

All his life came up before my eyes. His job, family, children, OW (now wife with subsequent children together), Facebook, LinkIt, Insagram. Everything

It's left me shaking. My hands and feet have been freezing cold ever since. I feel sick and dizzy.

I'm such a fool I just don't know why I did it. I kicked the wasps nest so to speak. WHY?!

Please don't flame me. I know what I did was stupid. I just need to get it off my chest and "tell" someone.

Pressing post now before I bottle out.

[TheSilverySoothsayer]

Well now you know. Better than wondering, I would think? But why so strong a reaction - were you hoping to find his life was a mess?

[notagoodmove]

Because I'd rather not know. I don't want to know about his life or where he works or anything else about him.

Strong reaction because it took me such a long time to get over it. Far more traumatic stuff happened that I can't even bring myself to type. It's dragged it all up again for me.

[LondonNinja]

You're out of it now. Just focus on that. It sounds like seeing him and his life has triggered anxiety, to say the least. Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you are in a better place now.

And don't look him up again.

[notagoodmove]

Thanks London Yes, he in himself is a trigger I came to learn.

I won't be doing it again. Ever.

[TheSilverySoothsayer]

Sounds crazy, but run the memory of googling him backwards, like a video going backwards, that may help.

[LondonNinja]

I feel for you. It's good you know what effect he has - take steps to protect yourself from triggers from now. Who cares what the idiot is doing now? Stuff him.

[notagoodmove]

I will try that silvery thank you for the tip.

That's the attitude I have London. It's ironic almost, I look back and think "thank god I got away". I was bitterly unhappy through out the whole relationship.

[wordyBird]

No one is going to flame you for this, ie, being re-traumatised by horrible past experiences.

If you'd known you would feel that bad, you wouldn't have bothered looking in the first place; so no need to beat yourself up. You were just caught on the back foot by the strength of your feelings. If you'd encountered him in the street, it would have been the same.

I don't know if you ever tried counselling to help you deal with the distress. Shaking, sick and dizzy are extreme responses, so whatever happened, it hasn't really eased with time: the shock is still present somewhere and might need to be dealt with. It's something to think about, at least.

Hope you feel ok again soon.

[Vivacia]

Do you think perhaps you Googled him because it was so long ago and you are now in a safe "place" to deal with your memories?

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

Probably because of how far you came you didn't think it would have this affect, forgive yourself.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Who knows what popped into your head to make you do it but you can lay it to rest again. He's less than nothing. Your DH and family, you, that's what's important. Keep looking forward.

[notagoodmove]

Yes I think that's what it was, I feel like I'm OK and just curiosity perhaps got the better of me. Who knows. Either way it was an idiotic thing to do.

I agree Donkeys I feel very secure where I am now. DH is beyond wonderful. In fact I just told him everything and he's made me a nice cup of tea

It's in the past where it belongs.

[notagoodmove]

(Thank you everyone for your kind support)

[DevonCiderPunk]

It's important to talk it through here, and also be sure to balance that with self-comfort. Trauma is rooted in the non-verbal; soft clothes, tasty food, warm drink, gentle lighting and music will all help. Really they will. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering, it does sound like some trauma-focussed therapy might help you to put it in the past where it belongs. Good luck, it can be done!

[Hissy]

Have you had any counselling since the abuse?

I think this is a sign that you're ready to face up to your past, and put your life back as it should be.

This stuff only buries itself for a while, if it's not dealt with it won't go away.

You will be ok, you've survived this, now is the time to allow yourself to recover and heal.

[ScaryFucker]

Oh, Thank Fuck. I thought you were going to say you contacted him. I read your OP with mounting dread.

[notagoodmove]

God, no contact! No no no!

No I didn't have counselling (although had ADs). I saw several GPs, and I was referred but the waiting list was so long, and I moved areas in the mean time so lost my place. Variation of factors really, resulting in no counselling.

I don't feel like I can face it again. Well, clearly not! I feel counselling would rock the boat too much for my life now.

[Hissy]

But ADs? You weren't necessarily depressed, you were traumatised.

Big difference.


I beg to differ, counselling won't rock the boat! It'll stop this rocking that is already happening.

Your réaction to something so simple as googling him should tell you that you haven't dealt with this.

Why not read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft?

I promise you, the libération that book will give you will really help you! It's such an empowering and freeing book!

Please pop into the Emotional Abuse thread here too with any questions that you have, it'll show you that this stuff is ok to talk about, and the sky won't fall in, and actually you'll be happier than you've been for years.

Make this teeny investment in yourself, please. The hurt/harm you suffered won't go away by itself, and what's more, it may get to a point where it forces you to deal with it, and not at your pace.

I promise you, you will be better for helping yourself heal. PM me if ever you need to eh?

[something2say]

I wonder whether you did it because you felt safe enough to deal with the trauma at last?

[notagoodmove]

Hissy I just feel too scared to seek help. I don't want to. I don't want to talk about what happened, I don't want to think about him. I just don't want to go back there.

I remember the GP being a bit towards me and she prescribed me AD. She was a particularly unsympathetic doctor which pushed me away even more to seeking further help at the time. I started self harming which she questioned me about and she replied with "well, you need to stop that nonsense right away" I remember it was such a blow. I felt so humiliated and lost.

I was in such a vulnerable state I just did as I was told and took the AD she told me to take. I didn't want to. I didn't like how they made me feel and stopped taking them quite shortly afterwards.

Perhaps something2say. I don't know.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Good lord, what a horrible doctor. I guess she thought the brusque approach would help - well maybe it does in some cases, though I find it hard to see how.

Your DH, on the other hand, is a star. You deserve lovely people like that in your life.

[notagoodmove]

Your post made me cry Anniegetyourgun (in a good way!) I'm very lucky indeed to have DH. He knows everything, he listens to me and supports me while I cry. He promised me he'll stand by my side for as long as we're living. I don't think I deserve him half the time!

The GP was really old "mature". I remember her vividly. She made me feel a fool. She seemed the proper stiff upper lip type. Not the type I needed to see when I was on my knees.

You've all been so supportive on this thread. Thank you for being so nice to me.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Not all therapies require you to rake over the past in painful detail for session after session. If you are reacting very strongly to memories of him then its possible that something like EMDR might help.

If you have a better GP now maybe go and have a chat with them.

[Hissy]

Therapy is actually all about YOU! But I see what you mean.

[mummytime]

You could look into some counselling for someone trained in PTSD and in particular mindfulness. A friends husband does this for the railways, and it is not about going over and over the incident/s but about being able to cope when thoughts (or hints of thoughts) about them come up.

Getting a few weapons to deal with any times a trigger comes up could be useful.