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Going to get out- terrified

(64 Posts)
sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 12:13:19

Hi all, I posted on the divorce forum but I understand this forum has more traffic and also having spent the past day reading this entire thread I can see that I am in a similar situation to so many of you.

I ve been married 5 years, together 10 years. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant and I moved into his flat. Within a few months, the violence had started. The first time was wen I pulled a light pull and it broke in my hand. He hit me on the arm. The first photos of me and my daughter show a massive bruise on my arms where he had slammed a door into me. We had a very colicky baby due to an undiagnised milk allergy and at night while she was screaming he would drag me down the hall by my hair, throttle me, etc

nemno Tue 15-Oct-13 12:17:31

Other, expert, help will be along to give you advice shortly. In the meantime let me reassure you that getting out is the right thing to do. I think calling Women's Aid would be a great help to you.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Oct-13 12:19:59

You need to contact Women's Aid right now.
This is absolutely awful.
This is now way to live.
The only acceptable abuse is NONE!!!
It will get worse and it will escalate.
You can report the abuse the police DV unit. You should call the police as well on 101 and report it.
You have the photo's to prove it so do it.
Women's Aid will help you with an exit plan and a place to stay etc...
Also contact citizens advice and get your benefits in place fast.
But your first call is to WA on 0808 2000 247
The number doesn't show up on your phone bill.
I am also assuming his is very controlling and stalker-y so make sure you delete your history so he doesn't see this thread.
Your first step was realising - now it's time to take action to protect you and your DC!
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
WA will be busy but keep trying and also send them an email so they call you back if you can't get through.
Get out now before he does you some serious damage.
And get some real life support. Do you have friends and family you can go to for help and support??

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 12:57:50

Sorry posting from
Mobile while he is upstairs so posted too ealrly! He's just gone out.
Just wanted to add to my story that I got cancer when my daughter was 6 months . The violence lessened but didn't stop. Then when she was 3 he was having one of his rages about me interfering in his time with my daughter and I refused to leave the room- he dragged me very hard across the room by my hair, she was screaming mummy did he hurt you- I threw him out. He sent me texts threatening suicide so I called the police, I told them about what had happened. What happened then was that he got a lot of support and was encouraged to go onto anti depressants, which did help.

He hasn't hit me since - this was 2 years ago. It has now changed to sustained shouting at me nightly, even in front if my daughter. He goes on and off the tablets at will. I get told
Off for everything - most regularly the price if the food shopping I order. I work part time, he works freelance '
-at best 2 or 3 days a month. The house is a mess, he ll cook but not clean. He does childcare for 3 days a week while I work but gets upset if I cuddle up to my dd after school on my days as we are excluding him. I could go on.

Finally, finally , I now have a solicitor appt. but I am terrified about how it will be living with him when i tell him I am filing for divorce. I am also terrified I will lose custody as I work
More than him.

Really need some encouragement to stay
On this path x


Loosingthebigkickers Tue 15-Oct-13 13:03:06

you need to leave with your daughter before you tell him. Get somewhere safe.

if he does childcare ..from what you've said- once he knows my bet is they won't be there when you get home.

im so, so sorry for you xx

PopiusTartius Tue 15-Oct-13 13:08:49

Is there any way you could get out BEFORE you tell him you're filing for divorce?

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:14:23

I don't think he would dare hit me again. I just spoke to the national centre for domestic violence about an injunction and they advised me that I can get my solicitor to write a letter warning him off any kind of abuse including emotional, while we wait for the divorce to go through. I think then he will be scared so he will leave. He has his old family home that he can go to - its empty and a state but he meds to sort it anyway to sell. Perhaps I could gir him this letter when I tell him. He is at heart a coward.

What about custody. I don't think I could go on after everything if I didn't hae my dd.

Also she adores him and he is good at the childcare. I am worried she will be devastated. Also as I am worried about his reaction I would be worried about leaving him
On his own with her initially as he could lose it

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Oct-13 13:23:17

He is NOT good at the childcare!
He shouts at you in front of her.
He has been violent to you in front of her.
That is NOT good in anyone's book.
You need to tell your solicitor all your worries and see what they recommend.
In the meantime - do not engage with him when he starts shouting at you.
Walk away to another room and ignore ignore ignore.
If he follows you then walk out of the house.
If he still follows you - dial 999 and get him removed from your house.
Your poor DD should not be in this situation at all.
It is not healthy for her at all and certainly not something you or your 'D'H should be putting her through.
She is learning every day about relationships and how to behave in them and what to expect from them.
You are teaching her future choices. Do you want this for her?
If not then he needs to leave right now.
Pack him a bag and if he gets anywhere near aggressive call the police immediately!
Good luck - you are taking the right steps so well done.
Keep strong - for your DD sake - you do not want her copying this behaviour.

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:25:28

We had the most awful holiday in the summer. For days before he was telling my dd he wouldn't go as mummy didnt want him there. Then he came and it was horrible. One night he threw a glass if water over me and dd because we both totally ignored him while he was shouting. She's only 5. She was terrified. Now he tells he mummy is going to divorce daddy and make him live 100s of miles away.

I juts want it to stop. But if we move out he won't. And the house is half renovated as he wants to finish it - builders can't do a good enough job obvs- and I fear I will never get the equity I need I start again in this area and keep dd at the school she loves. My salary is below cheapest rent anywY.

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:27:27

If he shouts at me he blocks me in the room so I can't leave. I feel trapped on every level!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 15-Oct-13 13:28:17

What Hellsbellsmelons wrote.

Your DD is as afraid of her Dad as you are of him as your H. Do not take her actions around him as anywhere near showing adoration or affection towards him, she is frightened of him and acts calmly to avoid incurring his wrath.

If you have not already called Womens Aid do so; they can and will help you here.

He is abusive and as such should not have any contact with you or your DD.

We learn about relationships from our parents, what do you want to teach your child about relationships here?. You certainly do not want her growing up to believe this type of dysfunctional relationship is at all normal.

LadyVJJ Tue 15-Oct-13 13:29:27

Susie the "mummy did he hurt you?" comment broke my heart sad
You are worried that your DD will be devastated if you divorce your H. You will be protecting her in the long run and demonstrating to her that your relationship with her father is not how you or she should be treated. So sorry for your situation, but you are doing the right thing, which I think you already know. flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 15-Oct-13 13:30:22

You cannot stay simply because your DD goes to a school in this area that she loves.

He is emotionally abusing you further by using his child as a weapon against you. This is highly damaging for both you and your DD.

You need to make a clean break and leave whilst he is gone from the house.

DIYapprentice Tue 15-Oct-13 13:43:25

Your DD is 5, she will make friends easily. Especially if in a new area you can invite her school friends home for play dates etc. That is the LEAST of your worries. There are lots of good schools with nice people in them.

Please, please, please get out now.

Vivacia Tue 15-Oct-13 13:46:40

Please take the steps needed to protect your child and her childhood (and perhaps separation will even protect her relationship with her dad). If you write out your thoughts and reasons about staying, people here can help you work through them, judge how valid they are etc.

I think you have a little time to plan your survival, so there's no need for him to remain in the house after you've told him you're divorcing him. Hell, you could even do it at a neutral place with his bags ready for him in the boot.

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:50:49

Next week he is working on thurs and fri. Imam seeing the solicitor on Thursday. Feasibly I guess I could pack
Up my stuff and move to my parents, leaving him a note saying I am taking legal advice. It's tricky withy parents as my dad has taken it on himself to cousel my dh and they email- not helpful. It's half term too week afterwhich is not a great time to do it as at least if she is at school she has her routine. Maybe I should find a holiday cottage we could disappear to at Least for first 10 days.
Thank you all thus is so helpful as I can't quite get
Myself to push ahead with this.

Vivacia Tue 15-Oct-13 13:55:25

It's tricky withy parents as my dad has taken it on himself to cousel my dh and they email- not helpful

Could you say, "right now dad, I need you support me and that means not being available to my ex"?

I can't quite get myself to push ahead with this

You do it when you're ready.

Loosingthebigkickers Tue 15-Oct-13 14:00:20

Ask your dad to go NC. does your dad realise what he's done to you? ? this is another form of abuse.. getting into your dads good books.

Book a holiday cottage if you can. Use the time to speak with your dd and explain that your going to start again somewhere new and that you'll see daddy soon but it'll just be you and her mostly. no more shouting etc.
DO NOT leave any trails so he doesn't follow you. You need time away.

Get an injunction.

Call the council asap..they should house you.

Call social services or the relevant authority to ensure his visits are supervised.

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 14:31:24

Just spoke to womens aid who say I could get an injunction as last weds he threw a drink in my face bit I hae to report to now and move out. But to involve the police again Just feels so awful to him. They say I need a court order to stop him taking dd from school so I need to involve police. It's all too
Much though. Enough for me to move
Out next week but I hadn't thought about h taking her from school.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Oct-13 14:42:09

Just feels so awful to him
Just read that back.
Then read your OP back - he has done and is still doing awful things to you and your DD. You owe your DD so much - you owe this low life abusive arse absolutely nothing!
You need to get angry about what he did do you and what he is still doing.
For goodness sake as you say he blocks me in the room so I can't leave. I feel trapped on every level!
We can only nudge you here - you need to make the move.
Women's Aid know their stuff and they know what you need to do.
They have told you what you need to do so do it.
For your DD sake!! Get out of this horrible mess and start afresh.
Not one single person has left an abusive relationship and regretted it - NEVER!!!!! Neither will you.
You need to trust all the other wonderful women on here who have been where you are and know that they are telling the truth.
Take all the help and advice you can and get moving.
Do NOT let your DD suffer for another moment in this toxic horrible household - she has no say - YOU DO!!!
Sorry if this sounds harsh - but realisation needs to hit you hard now.

cestlavielife Tue 15-Oct-13 15:27:25

your dd will be fine - you move with her and seek refuge somewhere.
you tell ehr that she will see dadddy soon i a few weeks [when you can rognaize safe contact eg contact centre]
if she feels safe and lvoed with you she will be fine.

now, dont make excuses for him or how he will fel - he has hurt you, houts, and you have no guarantee re: "I don't think he would dare hit me again"

yes he probably would if he knows you leaving.

get away first then tell him you divorcing.
report to police

sus14 Tue 15-Oct-13 16:01:12

I ve
Moved forward my sol appt to thurs am. If she says I need to involve police I will see then straight afterwards. I pick my daughter up from school on fri so I think I can probably pack a few things secretly and then take her to my parents straight from school if needs be. We can get the bus and then I can text him when I am there safely . Thanks so much to all of you xx x

captainmummy Tue 15-Oct-13 16:15:18

Be v careful. sus. OHs seem to have a 6th sense when they feel their control is shifting - this is the most dangerous time. Keep doing all the same things, don't give him any hint of your plans, don't change your demeanour at all if you can help it.

Good luck.

Loosingthebigkickers Tue 15-Oct-13 16:16:31

im concerned that you won't be safe at your parents. If your dad is on such terms as you describe, I imagine your partner rocking up..declaring your mad and your dad ushering you out bags in hand..

Think carefully when packing, You don't know if and when you might get back safely to retrieve anything. Take important documents. Precious things that are important to you and enough clothes etc to tide you over.

Don't minimise the situation and don't feel sorry for him.Look at what he's done to you and your daughter.

Hissy Tue 15-Oct-13 21:56:05

Your dad is the enemy too, tbh, your mum's no better either as she's allowing your dad to side against you.

You are going to have to go it alone, until you're safe and settled. Go WA route.

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