Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Well...looks like she's leaving!

(46 Posts)
Flabergaster Tue 15-Oct-13 04:01:06

I'm devastated. I live in Dorset, have 3 wonderful children and a wife who I love with all my heart.

She's leaving. It's all come as such a shock.

She told me a month ago that she didn't love me anymore. We were getting on so well, it came right out of the blue. Apparently she'd been feeling it for a while.

We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for all that time and I just miss talking to her. She is so detached and I'm very worried about her sanity. She doesn't seem herself, but the times we do talk we still have that camaraderie; the laughs, the looks, the connection!

We have had quite a tempestuous relationship, but we will, we are both passionate people. She's blaming the breakdown on a moment of stupidity on both our parts just short of a year ago. We went to counselling and half way through she stopped going (the counsellor asked her whether she thought she was being abusive to me - I don't think she ever has been, just angry at times). I carried on and I have made such in roads to improve myself, for the sake of myself and our relationship. I feel good about it, although now it appears in vain.

She's moving into a rented house tomorrow, hence why I'm not sleeping and posting for the first time on here. When I look at the jigsaw puzzle, none of the pieces fit together. None of this makes sense.

I personally believe she is going through a life crisis and I feel I'm bearing the brunt of her frustration. A couple of months ago she started going out with a (girl) friend of hers who was splitting up with her husband. In no time she had met all these new younger people down the pub (she's 35), it was then I started noticing a difference in her. She put back in her lip ring, belly button ring and several ear piercings that she hadn't worn in nearly 8 years (she took them out after the birth of our daughter). I'm not that gadgety a person, but noticed her phone going off a lot, some type of app where you send photos to each other, she'd send them to workmates and god knows who! I trust her, I don't think she's the infidelity sort. She has herself buried in her phone all the time and the computer too, it's been like that for ages. To the point where I feel she may have an unhealthy habit. She has also mentioned my age quite a lot recently (I'm 38), saying she doesn't want to be married to an old person (tongue in cheek, but it all adds to the puzzle)! Added to that, you could say we are tied to the children (2, 5 and 8) and that in itself is draining (as beautiful as they are), we don't have enough time for each other. It's all so sad.

Now I love this woman and I desperately don't want her to go. I know I need to let her though and it's tough. She needs space and I now need mine, but I want it to be the cataclysmic eureka moment that cements us together forever. I may be hoping for too much, maybe she doesn't love me and will never come back. When she goes I hope she can reflect on the fact that it isn't all me. After counselling I have carried out a lot of soul searching, maybe she needs the space to do the same.

A long post I know. I'm just looking for advice on how to get the love back, any words of wisdom. I do love her and I love my children. We would be foolish to throw the towel in now.

CharityFunDay Tue 15-Oct-13 04:16:36

I'd say she's probably having an affair. Can you check her computer history/mobile phone records?

As for 'not wanting to be married to an old person'... one wonders what the ultimate aim of marriage is, in her book?

My temptation is to say you're well rid, but you sound like you're being taken advantage of.

moldingsunbeams Tue 15-Oct-13 04:17:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

druidsnap Tue 15-Oct-13 04:23:08

I am sorry you are going through this. A friend is a having a similar crisis which also seems to have been triggered by a friend separating. She's walked out on her family in favour of a party lifestyle. I think you have to focus on you and your kids first and foremost. It sounds like she's being incredibly selfish. My advice would be to let her go - if she wants to come back she will but are you sure there's no one else? From what you describe it sounds like there's a good chance there is.

moldingsunbeams Tue 15-Oct-13 04:23:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Editededition Tue 15-Oct-13 04:41:27

I think you have to accept that, for now at least, she has made a decision to end the relationship. It really doesn't matter if the time spent on the phone or online are a new way of life, or a temporary insanity - she has still committed to this course of action.
FWIW, I don't think it is uncommon for women in mid-30's to 40's, to realise that their life is not what they wanted. Some stay and work it through. Some leave. It is not the same 'mid-life crisis'that men often go through (finding younger women to restore their view of themselves as still fit and attractive) but more that women do change substantially and are simply not the people they were in the early twenties - wanting very different things from life, and possibly very different things from the man in it. The younger you marry, the more likely this is to happen ( in my limited experience, seeing friends relationships over the years).

It may be that she comes to realise the grass isn't greener, and wants to re-engage, at which point you may decide that you are still open to being together, but you cannot spend your time waiting for that to happen.
You don't mention if the children are going to stay with you, or if they are also moving?
Either way, you need to gather all your RL support around you. Family and friends are a salvation in these circumstances.
Above all, keep your dignity.

I do feel sorry for you, as I would for anyone who is still in love with a partner who leaves.
It is devastating.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Tue 15-Oct-13 06:37:45

I'm really sorry, but this is classic affair behaviour. Expect her to announce she has 'started' seeing someone new very shortly. Affairs aren't rational and the puzzle simply won't fit together unless/until you have that missing piece of info.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Tue 15-Oct-13 06:38:06

Is she planning to take the children?

Flabergaster Tue 15-Oct-13 07:32:20

I really don't think she's seeing or has met anyone else. She's got far too much to lose to be doing things like that. She's a very emotionally strong woman and knows that that would be a cop out. We are sharing the children I keep them half the time in this house, she keeps them half the time in the other. I really hope she isn't having an affair or fancies anyone else. It would make trying to woo her back after a bit of space very tricky.

Wellwobbly Tue 15-Oct-13 07:35:10

What was the moment of stupidity a year ago?

Also, how do you define 'passion'? Row, make up?

I think she is having an affair, sorry.

Lweji Tue 15-Oct-13 07:40:36

What was the stupid event?

It may be that despite improvements she could not get past it.
And how tempestuous was it? How did you, or have you been fighting?

Flabergaster Tue 15-Oct-13 07:43:05

The stupidity was a massive, massive row. We came to blows. I'm not proud about it.

By passionate I don't really mean row, make up, I just mean we row, bicker, but also belly laugh and enjoy each other's company.

herald Tue 15-Oct-13 07:46:17

My heart goes out to you my stbxw and myself split up nearly four months ago, it happened to me out of the blue , I think looking back I couldn't see what was happening around me.

She didn't change while with me but had an affair told me and we split, she is now doing all the things your wife is doing, tattoos,sleeping about,heavy drinking and hanging about with younger people.

Their is nothing you can do to stop her you need to think about yourself and the children, I am a practical person so got busy sorting my life out, 4 months latter I am feeling much better and looking back I am much happier than I was when we lived together, the divorce should be completed before Christmas.

It's not easy especially when you didn't see it coming, for what it's worth if she is not having an affair now and we don't know that, be prepared for her to have someone soon after she moves out, it's not easy but gets better with time.

Good luck


Hormonalhell Tue 15-Oct-13 07:47:12

Awwww what a sad sad post I feel for you OP but it's not looking very good at all. She probably uses what's app and in my experience of long time dating, married people use this as a form of communicating instead of text.

So sorry for you sad

herald Tue 15-Oct-13 07:49:34

And just to add to that the best advice I had was don't keep trying to look for answers to why this has happened you will never find answers and it will drive you mad and don't blame yourself, its not easy I couldn't sleep/ eat but it does get easier.

All the best

Whocansay Tue 15-Oct-13 08:15:53

If you came to blows, you are better off apart.

Blu Tue 15-Oct-13 08:27:23

It sounds as if she is having an early mid life crisis - not that 'mid life crisis' as a phrase should minimise the feelings of being trapped, in a rut, heading fast for what can seem like a deeper rut, etc. Taking refuge in the internet and Instagram etc can be a sign of feeling lonely at home...

I am sorry you have been left behind, very distressing. It's good that you worked so hard on your side of your relationship, but how close do you think you have really been if she has been sleeping in the spare room? Does she KNOW you love her with all your heart?

I don't know what you can do at the moment, except be the best Dad (assuming you are a Dad and not in a 2-Mum marriage) you can to your children.

She may or may not decide she misses you and want to discuss coming back. But there is nothing to be gained by doing anything other than being yourself, keeping your pride and integrity, maybe write her one letter telling her what it is that she is leaving in terms of your love.

There is also merit in constructing a 'good separation' - being good co-parents and not letting bitterness and upset poison that.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 09:32:39

Agree with herald....don't analyse this situation asking yourself why/what if etc. you may never know the full picture or figure out the 'puzzle'. You need to forget about 'wooing' her back after some space. Just deal with it as if you're over, concentrate on yourself and the dc.

If you came to blows then I'd say that's the end of the road. Where were your children when this happened?? Enough is enough, if you've had counselling which she walked out of, you've come to blows, she's walked out...think you need to accept its over. Sorry you're hoping through this but it will get better. Focus on the future.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 09:33:44

* going not hoping..

scallopsrgreat Tue 15-Oct-13 09:40:46

Why do you worry about her sanity?

What do you mean you came to blows?

Onebuddhaisnotenough Tue 15-Oct-13 09:45:16

You came to blows ? You need to explain more. Because I doubt that many people will be advising you to try and keep a marriage which feature violence together.

TheGinLushMinion Tue 15-Oct-13 10:03:13

I think you need to give her space & see what happens, I do think you may be disappointed though so please be prepared for this.
She gave up on the counselling & you continued-says a lot about the relationship.
Concentrate on yourself & your children, don't wait around forever for her.

The picture thing is snapchat btw, I use it,as does DH, to send racy pics blush, I also use it to send funny pics to friends so that in itself means nothing-not sure what the poster up thread was talking about with Watsap as a forum 4 married people??? It's a free messaging service which is pretty much the same as text.

Lweji Tue 15-Oct-13 10:08:52

By passionate I don't really mean row, make up, I just mean we row, bicker, but also belly laugh and enjoy each other's company.

Sorry, but this doesn't sound like a "tempestuous" relationship.

How massive was the row and what happened exactly?

How are the other rows? Do you (either of you) get physical? Do you insult each other? Do you listen to each other?
How is the bickering? Is it constant? On whose part?

I don't really thing massive rows and bickering equate with being passionate.

Why do you think the counselor asked her if she was being abusive towards you?

If she is/was then perhaps it is better for you to be apart, despite your feelings.

chenin Tue 15-Oct-13 10:25:19

OP... I do feel sorry for you, I bet this has hit like a bolt out the blue. It sounds to me as if your OH is just bored. Bored of being married, bored of being a Mum, bored of everything... she is only 35 with 3 kids and maybe she feels like she wants to recreate what it was like being single and having fun. Then along comes the newly divorced girlfriend who is having a laugh down the pub...

I don't know why everyone has to jump to the conclusion that she is having an affair... it doesn't always have to be that. It can be other things. She could well be texting (or whatsApping) other guys and her new girlfriend (who has probably had an influence on all of this) which to me means she has emotionally moved on from you. You probably do still laugh and have fun together but maybe she thinks of you as part of the furniture and always around and reliable. I think you need to get angry and tell her you won't be f****d around. She will show more respect to you then perhaps.
I wish you lots of luck with this.

Dahlen Tue 15-Oct-13 11:05:27

I'm sorry you're hurting at the moment.

If you've actually had a physical row, I really don't think you should be trying to fix this relationship. It's almost impossible to go back after that, and combined with the fact that you've already described your relationship as typically passionate and tempestuous, red flags are waving a-plenty.

I don't know about the affair. In the case of women, sudden renewed interest in appearance isn't quite as indicative as it is for men IMO. I've seen many women react to the breakdown of a relationship by dropping weight, dressing younger, increasing her social life etc., without there being a third party. Regardless, it signifies that her interest in the relationship with you is over. She clearly detached from the relationship some time ago, and has already passed the numb stage and is now on the reinventing-yourself-post-breakdown stage. I hate to be so blunt as to be hurtful, but this ship has sailed and the sooner you start accepting it, the better it will be for all of you.

My advice would be to suggest counselling for the two of you with as view to making your separation as amicable as possible. Relationship counselling isn't always about fixing things and can really help with divorce. If she won't agree to that, further counselling for yourself would probably be very beneficial.

Best wishes.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now