Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it normal to fancy other people when married?

(57 Posts)
twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 10:55:28

I've been married to DH 4 years, have had no real attraction to other men, apart from now - to just one man, and I hardly know him anyway. (Saying that, I've not been particularly attracted to DH recently either, due to two small DC and the sheer exhaustion that brings).

Does it mean something is lacking between me & DH? Or is it normal to have a little crush/whatever you call it, on another person?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Oct-13 10:56:04

Perfectly normal, as long as you don't act on it

twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 10:59:51

Oh no I would never act on it, although my mind might wander a little, like it did this morning when I saw him...ahem!

AnyFucker Mon 14-Oct-13 11:00:44

Hey, a little mind-wander is harmless if it gets you through the day

If that's all it stays

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 14-Oct-13 11:06:07

I hope so! blush Just don't act on it. If you find yourself thinking about the other person too much, make a mental list of all their bad points and all your DH's good points! There's a tendency to imagine everything lacking in your relationship would be perfect in this imaginary relationship with your crush, but it's highly likely he'd be just as bad if not worse in most respects! grin

perceptionreality Mon 14-Oct-13 11:07:53

I don't think it's 'normal' to fixate on someone else when you're married. If you've never noticed other people before and that has changed then perhaps it's not normal for you. Everyone's different and I think it comes down to whether things have changed for you.

Thurlow Mon 14-Oct-13 11:08:25

There's no law against window shopping grin

You can love, adore and fancy your partner but that doesn't automatically mean that you are never going to see another person you find attractive again.

I very regularly find people attractive. I just don't want to actually do anything about it.

perceptionreality Mon 14-Oct-13 11:09:51

But if you glance at people and register they are attractive I'll bet you don't remember who those people are at the end of the day?

dreamingbohemian Mon 14-Oct-13 11:16:07

This could be total malarkey but -- ime my friends who are most likely to have crushes are also most likely to believe the whole 'men and women can't really be friends' thing, or to think that once you're married and have kids you can't make new male friends.

So when they meet some great guy it sort of immediately gets shunted into crush feelings, rather than 'hey it would be great to be friends with this guy'.

Just a thought, like I said it could be BS though.

twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 11:17:37

Perception - but I wouldn't talk to all the people I find attractive. I find this particular man attractive because of his personality not his looks (although he's cute), when I've spoken to him.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 14-Oct-13 11:17:38

I'm on a diet, but it doesn't stop me looking at the cakes in the cake shop window grin

Its perfectly natural as long as you don't act on it.
The amount of windows I look in, after 21 years of marriage.

Nothing is lacking except maybe you long for a bit of adventure, which is understandable with 2 small dc.

twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 11:19:04

Dreaming - I'm friends with other guys (eg DHs of my friends, colleagues etc). Don't fancy them grin

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Mon 14-Oct-13 11:21:08

Yes it's normal but don't go telling your DH or anything! It'll pass and you'll still love your DH and choose him every time! It's just window shopping and totally fantasist.

MarianneM Mon 14-Oct-13 11:23:16

Bless you darling (OP), and YES, it is really quite normal to window shop.

Are there really any married people who only have eyes for their spouse?

I think this type of angst is so very English...

neiljames77 Mon 14-Oct-13 11:25:10

Does this bloke know you like him?

Morgause Mon 14-Oct-13 11:25:19

Perfectly normal. You're married, not dead. grin

I rarely have crushes on real life people, but I quite often have crushes on actors or characters in books or films. DH isn't bothered, he doesn't feel particularly threatened by it (not that it would matter to certain degree - what happens in my mind is my business and no one elses)

I think there could be a problem if it's obsessive, or if it's because there are other issues in a relationship, but if everything is fine I can't see the problem smile

(If it makes you feel better, my DH is coming home early on Friday so I can go to the Apple Store in Regent Street to leer see a filmmakers panel which includes the fragrant Tom Hiddleston...)

LaRegina Mon 14-Oct-13 11:35:58

Nothing wrong with it IMO. Although I have to admit, my 'crushes' tend to be on famous people; not people I see in RL. DH 'fancies' other people too - we tell each other about our latest 'people' and have a laugh/wind up about it. It certainly doesn't do our own relationship any harm; if anything it gets 'things' going sometimes blush.

Having said all that, I'm confident that DH still fancies me a lot, as he is of me. If we weren't it probably wouldn't be quite so funny to talk about it...

Anniegetyourgun Mon 14-Oct-13 11:41:59

I saw a fabulous sports car the other day. Test driving it would have been fun (except for not wanting to risk damaging someone else's car). But swap one of those expensive gas guzzlers for my faithful, practical, comfortable runaround? No way!

Thurlow Mon 14-Oct-13 11:44:17

Last night one of DP's friends was over for Sunday dinner. All very nice, having a vaguely intellectual conversation about Mad Men, when suddenly my dinner got derailed by DP and friend discussing whether, should the rather unlikely situation ever arise, they'd chose Trudy over Joan. My lovely lamb roast derailed by Christina Hendrick's boobs...

This is quite normal in the Thurlow household grin I did repay them later that evening when they put Star Trek: Into Darkness on and I supplied a running commentary as to whether I fancied Benedict or Kirk more.

twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 11:46:13

Morgause grin

The other bloke has no idea, I really don't see him very often (probably a good thing). I have such a laugh with him though. And he has a twinkle in his eye (in my mind of course!)

Perhaps DH & I do need some more adventures, as morethanpotatoprints said. smile

twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 11:49:26

I think fancying actors is a bit different though, cos it's definitely in the fantasy-realm, not reality. I mean, as much as you'd like to do unmentionable things to Benedict or Kirk (who?!), it's not gonna happen is it?
In real life though, people do such things , have affairs etc. Not that I'm suggesting for a moment that I would ever act on this. But that's why i felt a bit guilty this morning, cos it's reality not fantasy. Or something confused

LaRegina Mon 14-Oct-13 11:53:24

Yes but the fact that you feel guilty is good, because it just goes to show that you wouldn't act on it.

So feel proud for having such a strong moral code thlgrin

And - without wanting to sound preachy, maybe see it as a little bit of a teeny warning signal that you (both) need to try and get your 'spark' back on track with a few nights out, a nice bottle of wine on the sofa together (with the tv off!) when the DC are asleep... etc smile

twosmallbuttons Mon 14-Oct-13 12:02:31

Agreed. I might 'lose' the tv remote so we have to drink wine and have a conversation about things other than DC and the next Ocado order
shock grin

neiljames77 Mon 14-Oct-13 12:10:37

Perhaps you should start ordering food from another company. This fella is probably chirpy and friendly because it's part of his job to be pleasant to customers.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now