Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Going out - or not!

(34 Posts)
hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 22:39:50

I've never posted in relationships before so please be gentle with me! H used to be very sociable and we used to go out a lot and had a good circle of friends. However over the years he's grown less and less sociable, to the extent that we see none of these friends now. If we do go out we go out as a couple mostly.

We've been invited to a party by a friend of mine. She's put a lot of effort into it and it will be a lovely evening. I would love to go. H doesn't want to because (a) it's too far aware (30 mins drive max) and (b) they're not his type of people(!).

I can understand that he may not want to go, although I would like us to go as a couple. However, he's not happy for me to go without him either. Is this normal? Would you force the issue and go without him? I can go with another couple so it's no problem for me to get there and back. It probably sounds childish but this is one of my closest friends and I really don't want to miss it.

Jan45 Thu 17-Oct-13 17:28:11

Fair enough, he doesn't want to go and doesn't feel nice enough to go just for you to support, but at the same time he expects you not to go????? Is he for real - what a bloody cheek, I really hope you tell him where to go if he does actually say this to you. He sounds awful, and controlling.

flippingebay Thu 17-Oct-13 15:24:45

Go go go unless you put your foot down now it will only get worse, right up to the point he's telling you what to think or wear.

I understand you!
I am sure my mil would too.
I think some men don't feel the need to have friends at certain age.
yet I think it's unhealthy if they aren't happy for you to socialise.
Maybe you could ask him to stay for an hour or drop you there and back. Men are so awkward sometimes they really are!! ;-)

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Oct-13 09:20:33

Hi there
Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.
And NO, it's not too much to ask.
It's what we all have a RIGHT to.
You are now realising and maybe you can talk him round.
But I doubt it very much!
Good luck with your talk. Keep us updated.
And most of all - if he is behaving like an arse - ignore ignore ignore and then go out and enjoy your party without a 2nd thought about his moody arse at home sulking!

hadagutsfull Mon 14-Oct-13 22:29:18

Thanks Vince - I am feeling better today and a lot of that is due to the support from you all. Thank you so much. Hellsbells did make a good point and I am thinking about that a lot.

Lweji his moods grin are a punishment and we need talk about this and where we go from here. I'm too tired tonight though - didn't sleep well last night and have been very busy in work. It will wait.

Playfellows I've been unhappy with some aspects of my life for some time now if I'm honest. I need to have a long hard think about it and decide what is more important to me. I'm not perfect, far from it - who is? - but I think I'm pretty easy going. I just want to live a happy, peaceful life with someone who respects me as a person in might own right. Not too much to ask!

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 14-Oct-13 21:38:17

"Everything is worth the aggravation."

A thousand times this.

It is SO worth the aggravation to live a life you are happy with and socialise with your friends.

If he won't allow it, then you need to tell him to fuck off elsewhere and get a pet to boss around.

Lweji Mon 14-Oct-13 21:14:33

Ups, not your moods, his!!!

Lweji Mon 14-Oct-13 21:13:32

I suspect your moods will always affect you because they are not moods, they are punishments.
He will do his best to affect you.

You really need to tell him that he will lose you if he keeps that attitude.

This reminds me when my now exH refused to go to my sister's (virtually the only people in my family he tolerated) for New Year's Eve. It was only after dinner for a couple of hours at the most and basically down the road. I couldn't care less then and I went with DS.
We barely lasted to the beginning of March, as he turned violent because he couldn't control me with his "moods".

PerpendicularVince Mon 14-Oct-13 20:36:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hadagutsfull Mon 14-Oct-13 17:00:25

I hear you Melons - i'm getting there! I need to stop letting his moods affect me, I know that.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 14-Oct-13 16:22:49

Yes go and stop the Some things are not worth the aggravation but I think that this occasion is
Everything is worth the aggravation.
He has been getting worse because you have this attitude!
Seriously. He's not the boss of you - YOU ARE!
Of course there is more to life that what you are putting up with.
Join a gym or a club and do something you want to do.
Go out and visit family and friends without him.
This WILL come to an end so it's now time to find yourself and stop bowing to this mans every whim!

hadagutsfull Mon 14-Oct-13 15:46:40

I've only just been able to get back to this - Thank you all for your advice & comments. It's confirmed for me that a healthy, loving relationship shouldn't be like this. I WILL regret it if I don't go, it really is a special night for my friend, and I'm not going to miss it.

I will have to weather the sulks and animosity but it's his problem not mine. Usually what happens is that I ignore it for a while but then I can't stand the atmosphere and end up getting angry and/or upset. I also don't want our son to live in this sort of atmosphere & think that it's normal behaviour. My parents didn't behave like this (nor did H's as far as I'm aware). There is no way he would agree to go for counselling, I wouldn't even suggest it.

Bertie your comment "Who made him lord high and mighty of the universe?" did make me laugh - I'll remember that!

I think you may see me on this topic more often .... thank you all once again.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 14-Oct-13 09:26:15

That sounds so like my ex. "Out of the question" was his phrase.

After far too many years, I left the bastard.

myroomisatip Mon 14-Oct-13 09:24:04

I could have written your post years ago. For me it got worse and worse and I got increasingly afraid of upsetting him until the tipping point came when I was more afraid of spending the rest of my life living like that.

He is now my Ex and life is so much happier, peaceful, calmer.....

You do need to make a stand. Good luck and hope you have a lovely time.

BerstieSpotts Mon 14-Oct-13 08:29:02

Fucking hell. "That's not going to happen." shock Who made him lord high and mighty of the universe? Who the fuck does he think he is to get to decide where you go and who you see? You are a grown adult, I think he has forgotten this.

In healthy relationships, the other partner would absolutely say "Oh it's really not my thing. You go, and have a great time." And that would be the end of it. They would look after the DC without an issue (they are their own children), they wouldn't put a curfew in place, there would be no follow-up, probably a "Did you have a nice time?", no nasty snipes the next morning about what you might have got up to or drank or how hungover you must be feeling.

FGS, my DP practically forces me out the door if I vaguely mention something I'd like to do, because he says I don't go out enough! (In a nice way. If I said actually I don't want to go then he wouldn't push it, obv)

CharityFunDay Mon 14-Oct-13 06:50:04

He sounds old before his time.

Go out and enjoy yourself, and let him stew for as long as he needs to.

He's being a dog in the manger. Just ignore him until he decides to be civil about things.

Have a lovely time.

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 23:43:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 23:40:50

It may feel easier, but is it really?
If you don't do something now, you will really waste your life.

It doesn't have to be LTB, but my best guess is that if you do nothing it will get worse and he will drag you down with him. Can you imagine retirement?

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:20:20

Lweji I don't want to see myself living like this for another 20-odd years but sometimes it seems easier not to think too far ahead. He's a good man in some ways but does try to be controlling (at times anyway). I do stand up to it and I have family nearby now which has helped because I don't feel isolated like I did at times before they were so close. Some things are not worth the aggravation but I think that this occasion is.

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:14:29

Vince I hope I have years left but who knows! grin No, I'm not happy at the moment tbh. On the face of it we have a good life - both working, no money worries, some issues with teenager at times (who doesn't!) - but at times our attitudes are very different.

I enjoy going out and seeing friends and would like to see shows, go on day trips, meet up with friends etc, but we seem to be in a bit of a rut. Things chug along OK for a while and then he'll get moody and we'll go through a bad patch. I'm not saying I'm perfect but if I'm in a bad mood I'll say why and talk about it, not insist I'm fine but make everyone miserable.

If we're invited anywhere - by my friends - I feel I have to pick the right moment to mention it. I know how he'd react to this invitation and I'm right (which doesn't make it any easier). I suppose it boils down to am I going to let him walk all over me? I think the answer is no on this occasion but I really don't want the hassle. If he doesn't want to go I wish he'd just say "I don't fancy it but you go and have a good time". It won't be like that though - it'll be a series of rows ...

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 23:09:09

The more you describe his moods and his reactions the more I'm tempted to tell you to not only go to the party, but also to just go.
Go to the solicitor, go away.

He needs to know that if he continues this way he will lose you. Do you see yourself living like this for another 20-30, possibly more, years?

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 23:06:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:04:32

Sand I don't quite know how far he'd go to stop me going but he would make life very miserable - the silent treatment, sarky comments etc. That sounds like nothing but it's hard to live with. I try not to let his moods affect me and sometimes I can ignore it but not always.

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 23:03:49

Go! Absolutely. It's sad that he doesn't like socialising , but it's a special occasion and you would like to go. Then get your sparkly shoes out of the wardrobe.

hadagutsfull Sun 13-Oct-13 23:01:42

It is controlling isn't it? By "that's not going to happen" - I suppose he thinks it means he won't allow it! I have given in over things in the past just because I can't stand the terrible atmosphere it creates. He can be moody and will be 'off' with me for no apparent reason at all, and can keep it going for days.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now