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I can't work out if it's right I'm annoyed by this or not

(41 Posts)
GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 17:29:15

I've been single-ish for 7 years. I've had a couple of flings but nothing you would call serious. I've now been seeing a man for a couple of months. At the moment I don't consider us to be a 'proper' couple. I'll need time before I can get to that point again (I have said this to him).

Anyway he spends a lot of time at my house because I have dd(8). He'll (of his own accord) do my dishwasher, make me cups of coffee, cook for me etc without asking me first (obviously I'm not going to complain wink ) and he'll bring over food and drink so he's contributing so not mooching off me.

The issue is that he's just gone upstairs, got my charger, brought it back down, and plugged his phone in. For some reason it has (unreasonably?) got my back up. Yes if he'd said to me "do you mind if I get your charger so I can charge my phone" I would have said no problem whatsoever. It is the fact he didn't ask, but conversely if he surprised me with a cup of coffee in the morning I wouldn't have an issue....

I can't work out why it has bothered me so much though.

WasWats Sun 13-Oct-13 17:30:20

Are you pre-menstrual ;)

DropYourSword Sun 13-Oct-13 17:31:46

I can't work out why it's bothered you so much either!

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 17:33:06

That would not bother me in the slightest confused

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 13-Oct-13 17:33:16

I think it's the whole thing of getting used to sharing things again. As silly as it sounds. I got annoyed with a friend today as we were having a nap and he kept moving around. I'm not used to sharing a bed so it really pissed me off, but I knew I was being unreasonable <although I didn't admit this grin>

hashtagwhatever Sun 13-Oct-13 17:34:52

would it be different if a good friend did the same?

Upnotdown Sun 13-Oct-13 17:35:21

I wouldn't be bothered. I think you're over-reacting smile

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 13-Oct-13 17:35:46

I think you need to decide if you are happy with him treating your house as his, if you see what I mean.

If he can make food, make drinks, buy things, he's generally treating it like his home. Using your charger fits that. On the other hand, if you treated him like a guest in your home, he would have probably asked if he could use your charger.

I think your emotional response is probably a sign that you need to think this through and work out what you are comfortable with.

GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 17:37:39

I think it is the sharing thing but also the fact that it now feels like he's almost making himself at home here when I'm just not 'there' yet.

I know it's totally unreasonable of me for it to have annoyed me - I haven't mentioned it to him.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 13-Oct-13 17:38:20

I would let it go, but maybe try slowing things down a bit if you're not comfortable.

FrancescaBell Sun 13-Oct-13 17:40:46

This wouldn't bother me a jot, but neither does it bother me when friends come in the house, make coffee and go to the cupboard where I hide keep the biscuits from DH

GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 17:40:56

x-post Caja. You have hit the nail on the head. I just need to work out where I am in this relationship. I think with the food and drinks thing it felt more like 'dating' as he couldn't take me out for meals because of dd so he'd bring food here to cook us a meal. The charger thing in my head just pushed it up a step.

RevelsRoulette Sun 13-Oct-13 17:41:31

I think if it bothers you, it's a sign that it's too soon for you for him to be getting so comfy/feet under the table.

If it wasn't, then you'd feel differently (cosy?) when you saw him pottering about like half of an old married couple grin

Everybody has to go at a pace that they are comfortable with. It doesn't matter what other people would be happy with, it has to be what you're happy with.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 13-Oct-13 17:45:50

Crikey. A bit harsh; he is at yours and phones do run down...if you don't want his feet under the table then don't let him stay over.

GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 17:46:50

Fair point Funky

scallopsrgreat Sun 13-Oct-13 17:52:57

I don't think it is using the charger that is the problem is it OP but the fact he didn't ask? I'd be a little peeved too if someone I'd only known for a short time did that without asking too. I'd expect a friend to ask before just taking my charger and plugging it in somewhere else too. Tbh I'd probably ask my partner (if he were there) before relocating his charger too. In case he wanted to use it for something.

So YANBU smile

scallopsrgreat Sun 13-Oct-13 17:53:55

Lots of toos there hmm Clearly I am too polite!

brokenhearted55 Sun 13-Oct-13 17:56:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenbitchapparently Sun 13-Oct-13 18:01:50

I got super arsy with my then very new bf and my now nearly dh.
He would do my washing up and empty my bin etc and it really enraged me.
I didn't need him to do these things for me I was independent and bla bla bla.
I agree with the people that say you have to relearn how to be open and share you things and your space.
I was afraid to get use to having him around and doing things.
I would get super angry over silly things.
I was in love and really afraid of it.

GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 18:03:14

I promise I am not overly possessive of my charger; I would have felt the same if he'd just started using my laptop without asking or came down with a book from my bedroom and stated reading it confused hmm

Yes I think it is because I'm just not there yet.

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Oct-13 18:04:03

So you are happy for him to have sex with you, you are happy for him to meet your child, you are happy for him to bring food to your house and cook for you but you aren't happy about him using your charger.

You feel by using your charger he is making himself too comfortable.

Don't you think that you are giving him mixed signals here?

GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 18:04:53

xpost Queen. Yes that's me to a T. I'm a proud independent woman and used to doing things myself. I don't need someone else doing things for me. [stubborn emoticon]

EBearhug Sun 13-Oct-13 18:06:34

I think it would annoy me, too, and I'm not sure I can see a rational reason for it.

But I have been single for a long time, and I'm used to things being done my way and for people to respect that in my space. Mind you, I'm not entirely sure I'd let cooking without asking go, either. I mean, I'd love to have someone cook for me, but I'd like at least an acknowledgement that they have requested to use my space, and a couple of months isn't quite long enough for someone to establish themselves long enough to start using my space and my things as if they own them themselves.

There may well be reasons why I'm still single, though...

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 13-Oct-13 18:11:59

Anyway - I can't talk. I dumped one bloke because he turned up with the wrong shoes on, and another because he came into the front room having not wiped his chin after cleaning his teeth. White dribble. Yuk.

GreatBallsofFluff Sun 13-Oct-13 18:17:53

Haha Funky. I'm not as bad as that I think

When he's cooked for me it has not just been show up and cook. It has been "what do you two fancy for tea tonight as I would like to cook you a meal". Then later it would be "shall I start cooking tea if you're hungry" so not without 'permission' as such. My home is my home and it's my space and I'm not used to sharing it with someone else (other than dd of course).

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