Advice needed please

[Staceyjones19790]

My husband left in January. He had been distant for a month beforehand. I loved him very much and our family meant the world to me (we have 2 kids age 5&6). We had major money stresses for his business partners kicking him out of his business (no shareholder agreement as they were great friends, however the other 2 were brothers and wanted a family business) the next few years were mounting debts due to a legal battle and husband starting a new job and me Home with the kids and studying for a degree. I also got a part time job in the evenings to help make ends meet. He was abused by a trusted family friend when he was 13, he decided a few years back to go to the police and amazingly this pervert admitted it and was sent to prison for nine months. Throughout it all, I was so proud of my husband and believed our future was bright. He often worked away 2-3 nights a week (no trust issues there as we were in constant contact). Inevitably the stresses of business stuff, abuse took a toll on our personal relationship but I just knew how much we loved each other and we would get through it. Until January.
Since he left he has been cold, distant and hurtful. But we are having relationship counselling as so much has gone on and having fought tooth and nail for our future I am finding it hard to not fight for him. I knew when I married him that potentially the abuse he suffered would manifest itself. He blames his parents and had nothing to do with them.

I have also found out he has a casual sexual relationship with a much older woman than me that hurts so much as I cannot understand why he can put effort into that but not repairing our family.
I know that people that have been abused can run away and shut off. He tells me He definitely doesn't want to get back together but for
Some reason I don't believe him. Why has he agreed to counselling with me? I'm so confused. Do I keep fighting for him like I always have? Or give up.
To understand me a little, I'm not a weak person, I haven't say and crumbled over this heartache, I have taken the kids on holiday and kept my chin up mostly. But I love him, I kind of understand in a way as he has done the typical shut off and run away from problems, but we all know they catch up with you in the end?

[FrancescaBell]

It's drummed into women at a very early age that when men behave badly, there's always a reason and I think that's what's happened here.

It's not surprising, given the childhood abuse, the rejection by his business partners and the money worries but as soon as I started reading that bit about 'he got a new job and was working 2-3 nights away from home' a far more more mundane reason for his departure came into focus.

I think he left because he had someone else in January. Whether this is the same woman he's with now is anyone's guess.

Regardless, your very best bet is to stop making excuses for him and trying to find reasons. Detach and resign yourself to this marriage being over. It's the best way of dealing with this for you and your children. Get the divorce on the go and tell him that you are moving on now with a new life.

[FrancescaBell]

Stop the relationship counselling too. I'm amazed this counsellor is still taking your money. He doesn't want to come back and it's pointless. You'd be better off spending that money on your own counsellor, or saving even more money and talking to a few kick-ass women on MN.

[nkf]

You can't fix him. He's had a hell of a time and you are a kind, loving person for wanting to help him, but you can't. Now, it is time to sort yourself out. Look at counselling for yourself and look to the future. Good luck.

[Staceyjones19790]

Thanks for your replies, He is paying for the counselling as he wants us to get to "better place". He knows I am very angry with him, I went through years of loneliness, not being able to afford a hair cut with 2 small children 250 miles away from my family ( thankfully am back with them now). What is interesting is that our counsellor picked up on how angry he is with me!! Why?? Doesn't make sense does it? My head knows what I should do, my heart is fighting for my husband to realise what he has done. I know I sound weak but my little family is my everything, got me through the hard times with the business stuff and abuse case. Just so sad x

[RandomMess]

Sadly perhaps you are not the type of personality that compliments him/is "good" for him?

[mammadiggingdeep]

You sound so loyal and loving. I'm so sorry that you've had such a bad time.
From just reading your post I think perhaps its time to start moving on, begin to think of your marriage as I salvageable. He is telling you it's over. I understand shy you don't buebe him but how long can u wait for? Perhaps 2014 should be a fresh start for you xx

[FrancescaBell]

I should think he's angry with you because he knows he was unfaithful to you and that's why he left the marriage, but as he can't cope with the guilt of doing that for no greater reason than an opportunity turned up and he agreed to it, he needs to demonise you to square his own behaviour with himself.

If your counsellor can't see that, I'd be astonished. But hang on, this isn't Relate is it? Because if it is, well no I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised at this turn of events.

Are your finances separate now? Because if they aren't, it's not him paying for this counselling, it's you as a family.

You don't sound weak. You do sound far too trusting and far too prepared to believe he's a damaged man who'll come good if you wait it out. It's been 9 months and he's in another relationship. It might be the same one he left you for.

[roz1982]

Hi can put effort into that (older woman) because it's easy for him and doge probably doesn't expect anything from him. You can only fight for someone so much. It might just be time to let him go... Horrible and hurtful as that is. Relinquish responsibility. He's an adult and needs to find his own way. He's made his choice by leaving. Start thinking about where you want to be with your lovely children. Yours and their happiness is more important. If he wanted to fight and make it work he'd still be there. He's sending strong messages that he doesn't want to be there and shagging another woman is just the last straw really isn't it??

[roz1982]

Apologies for typos!

[Staceyjones19790]

Francesca, you really do think that he left for someone else? It has started crossing my mind as he was adamant as soon as he left he wasn't coming back. He had arranged a house and furniture (all brand new of course) why be be sure marriage was over unless someone else was involved??
So why is he agreeing to this counselling? No it's not relate, he is a renowned therapist in childhood abuse and relationship counselling. I have a session alone with him tomorrow and ex has one alone the week after and then we resume sessions with us both together. A part of me agrees to stop it, get some dignity and divorce him. The other side wants answers.
Sooo sooo confused and scared x

[Staceyjones19790]

Roz thank you for replying to me, I honestly don't know that I could ever get over the fact he has slept with someone else. It makes me feel sick. I actually did vomit when I found out. When thinking about where I want to be with my children, I don't want then to grow up with a stepfather. I didn't have great experiences with stepdads growing up. God, why can't I just move on, I'm normally so strong!

[roz1982]

You can divorce him and keep your dignity at the same time as seeking answers. Be mindful though that the answers may not come and if they do, may not be satisfactory or just create more questions that need answers.

[roz1982]

You will move on... But your not a robot and it will take time. You are storing. You are keeping it together for your kids and you are raising them and supporting them. That's the most important thing. I know your H has had hard times... But it seems to me like he is in a very selfish place where he just wants to go off and do whatever he thinks he wants/needs to do. He is no good for you right now. No good at all.

[roz1982]

*strong not storing haha!

[Chubfuddler]

I think it may be helpful to decide that you may never get "answers" in the sense of fully understanding his behaviour, the triggers for it and the chronology involved because he probably couldn't give you that even if he wanted to.

You would be better off focussing on disengaging and getting separate counselling to help you understand your own role in this relationship and how to move on from it.

[FrancescaBell]

Yes I really do think that, even more so now you've added in those bits about him having already arranged a house and furniture.

I can imagine that if your wife had supported you through a horrendous ordeal and had stood by you when your own stupidity failed to protect your business interests and the family's livelihood, it wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world to say 'I've been having an affair despite all that and I'm leaving for her'

Because you would quite rightly think 'what an absolute bastard', divorce him and take him to the cleaners.

Much safer to say he's head's all over the place, he doesn't know what he wants, his abuse is catching up with him, he's depressed and needs space - isn't it?

Get angry sweetheart. It will galvanise you no end and will give you the kick start you need to stop listening to all his woes, facing his completely misplaced anger and starting your new life.

[FrancescaBell]

his head

[onefewernow]

Your whole thread us about him, his issues and his needs. People with unresolved background issues can be emotional drains to live with.

Try to let him deal with his own problems and forget the whys and where views of them. If your counsellor is good, he will tell you that HIS PROBLEMS ARE HIS ALONE, even if you were with him. They are not yours.

You need to identify what your problems are, and solve those. I don't suppose you have spent much time considering those, or how to solve them. He may be your biggest one.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

I agree with the posters above that you may never get answers. I didn't from my STBXH and what I did get from him was trying to justify his behaviour not explain why he had an affair. They just run away from everything and turn nasty to justify their terrible lies.

[FrancescaBell]

You know usually I'd agree that a woman in this situation is never going to get the full truth, so there's no point wondering about it.

But my feeling is that if a woman is still waiting after 9 months and has even been persuaded to go to counselling with a man who's in another relationship and is perpetually angry with her, it would help enormously to stop believing everything he says and start seeing this story through a very different lens.

Sometimes the anger at beng fed a pack of lies is necessary to say

'Enough. I'm out of here and off to start afresh.'

Which is of course what the OP should be doing for her own wellbeing and sanity.

Sometimes even the most obvious solution needs a push and that's why anger is a wonderfully useful emotion.

[Staceyjones19790]

I absolutely know he isnt being honest, he has lied and been deceitful. Oh btw, he had a massive promotion at work in May, when I say massive I mean to the tune of an additional 10k a year!! didnt tell me, I found out on Linkedin 3 weeks ago!!
He absolutely adores the kids, he was the most emotional open and warm husband I could ever have asked for. We have been together 10 years and until the last few years, he couldnt even tell me he loved me without welling up. The change in him is scary and I KNOW it isnt anything that I done.
If given a choice of having his kids or being with the new woman he picks the kids everyday, he absolutely doesnt want the kids to meet her its that casual. Not that I would allow it anyhow.
Oh and I asked him to ask her to remove MY husband from her cover photo on facebook (she was kissing his cheek, I was furious! How disrespectful??) And he did have to call her and ask her to delete it and she did?
Another long message, Sorry, I think he is just running and escaping.
I want him back, but equally I KNOW very well that I wouldnt be able to get over the fact he has had sex with someone else. I will just never understand.

[FrancescaBell]

Oh dear.

I'm sorry, but this man is playing you and his girlfriend off of eachother. She wouldn't have put the photo on FB if this wasn't an exclusive, couple relationship. He would have known about it and approved it. I can just imagine what he said when he asked her to take it down, but it wouldn't have been presented as a request from him, but from you.

He tells you he doesn't want the kids to meet her, but I bet he tells her he wants her to but you won't allow it, even though in truth you've got no say in who your children meet when they are in the care of their father and everyone knows that.

Please listen to us when we say that after 9 months and the fact he's in a new relationship that he's minimised all along, now is the time to withdraw, stop the counselling and move on with separating your lives.

One of the most important things to do will be to sort out finances and residence, the former being especially crucial as he is already lying to you by omission about money.

[StaceyWacey19790]

I have a counselling session alone tomorrow, and he has one alone next week, hopefully tomorrow our counsellor will start understanding the two very different versions of our marriage breakdown better as we have a session together the week after.
I am so greatful to you taking the time to reply to me I really am. I will keep you posted how tomorrow goes x

[StaceyWacey19790]

ps, thank you to everyone of you that has taken the time to reply to me, everyone of you has valid points and said things I needed to hear from people that are not emotionally involved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

[StaceyWacey19790]

ok so I went to my session alone today and the counsellor explained that H hasnt dealt with his childhood trauma. pretty said what you guys said. Demonizing me to justify his own behaviour which he isnt prepared to admit yet, thats the counsellors job to ask him WHY its my fault all the time. The other woman is him just doing what he wants, escapism.
I am finding this so hard to cope with.
I meant my marriage vows. Through thick and thin.