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Abneys aftermath - he's gone, what do I do now

(169 Posts)
abneysporridge Sun 13-Oct-13 07:48:47

Hi all , wanted to start this new thread as a follow on to my 'suspicious behaviour' thread, as obviously his actions aren't suspicious anymore - they're confirmed. He sent me a text last night to say he was safe and crashing at a friends - maybe it's ow, who knows. He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point. I just texted back that I'm sorry he was thrust out into the cold night but I've been living a cold facade for a month not knowing what to think and he should consider where he should have sought help, ie NOT in the arms of another woman. He's being such a manchild and not taking responsibility for this - he's not even calling it an affair, he calls it 'nice banter'.
Urgh. He's going to see his parents today and I told him to for god sake confide in someone - maybe not his folks but maybe his brother or another friend down there. Men just don't wanna talk do they. Maybe he knows the listener would slap him upside the head.
Meanwhile my 2 ds's have joined me in bed and playing their iPad games so I'm going to start imaging life as a single mum.

Jux Sun 13-Oct-13 11:30:47

Some men are wankers. He is one of them.

Well done, Abney. You have been so strong and dignified, so mature, so adult. All those things that he isn't. Maybe your example will make him think and help him do the right thing now, maybe it won't. Maybe you and he have a future together, maybe you don't.

Don't dignify his pathetic texts with a reply. You've said what needed to be said, and now you and he need to think about things separately. You are not responsible for him.

Concentrate on yourself and your children. Only let people who enhance your life into it.

Have a good day with your family. They sound lovely.

BalloonSlayer Sun 13-Oct-13 11:45:44

Well done Abney.

Just keep reminding yourself of the internet searches he did . . . of the messages you saw.

"Nice Banter" my big old arse!

"need to consider how it is he got to this point" - Yes mate actually I have considered how it is you got to this point. How you found my putting the needs of your three helpless children ahead of the needs of you, a grown man, utterly outrageous. And how instead of discussing your feelings with me, or arranging some child-free time with me, as married people are supposed to do, you started having an affair with another woman. And how you are blaming me for your entitles selfishness.

And how it is now is that you have lost your wife and children, which is what you wanted all along, according to your search history. Why aren't you happy?

RollerCola Sun 13-Oct-13 11:46:11

Hope you're ok Abney, you have NOTHING to consider about why he did this. He, on the other hand, has a LOT to consider. Nothing is your fault here.

Stay strong, don't falter, thinking of you x

Jaynebxl Sun 13-Oct-13 11:51:24

Hope the family thing went well and you got lots of support.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 13-Oct-13 11:59:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 12:00:35

You are doing great.

Can you turn your phone off this afternoon. You do not need to reply to his text messages at all.

What he does with his time, where he goes, who he talks to is his business. He does not need to keep you informed.

Remember, he is supposed to be giving you space, he should not be texting you at all.

KatieScarlett2833 Sun 13-Oct-13 12:02:46

Where is he staying? Do you know this friend or is it another lie?

skyeskyeskye Sun 13-Oct-13 12:12:50

Well done, stay strong and let him work it out for himself.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 12:31:53

Absolutely fucking typical. Playing the blame game. Blaming you.
You have been great. You're attitude is spot on. Get on with your day. Get on with enjoying your lovely boys. Don't waste a precious second of time with them. You are so strong and brilliant. You seem like a fantastic mum and a great woman. He has totally fucked up "nice banter"???? Does he think you're stupid?!
Stay strong xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 12:53:08

Oh, and I agree. Give it time. This situation won't sink in for him for a while. Maybe weeks. Then he'll realise you're serious and maybe communication will start if you so wish xx

captainmummy Sun 13-Oct-13 13:19:31

What an arse! He getts thrown out; he complains that you haven't thought of his 'pants and socks!' You are/were his skivvy.
He now wants you to 'consider how it got to this'? What - how he now finds himself on a friends sofa/in another womans bed? How have you managed to do that to him?????


34DD Sun 13-Oct-13 13:35:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF Sun 13-Oct-13 14:05:28

I didn't post on your last thread, although I was reading it.

"Nice banter"?? FFS. Don't expect he would appreciate you having similarly nice banter, plus a few kisses, plus sleeping over, at some other guys house.

He has a whole shed load of growing up to do. Tortured fucking musician? Yeah right!

Custardo Sun 13-Oct-13 14:08:12

thing is - 99% of us are ona fucking tredious treadmill of having to go to work, to pay for a house and family - its just life.

MajesticWhine Sun 13-Oct-13 14:12:17

"Nice banter" is outrageous. If he is showing no remorse at this point, then unfortunately he is an arsehole.

mum11970 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:19:01

You're doing brilliantly. Don't let him lay any blame on you, it's all down to him. Experiences as a child, his work, no attention, these are all excuses for his terrible behaviour. Keep strong and don't let him try to emotionally blackmail you.

Spelt Sun 13-Oct-13 14:20:26

Another one outraged by 'nice banter' here! If you'd slept with another man would he be calling it nice banter!

Housesellerihope Sun 13-Oct-13 14:49:05

Well done - and not all men are selfish children, I promise!

tessa6 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:51:10

The nice banter thing is really horrible and telling. Not only is it classic minimising but also it's sort of confused and insulting to everyone. They are in love, allegedly, that's really not the words you would use to describe that. 'Nice banter' suggests an electronic ego stroking device, not a woman with feelings. And yet I bet he is or does believe he's in love with her. So he's so so far behind in understanding it's depressing.

Abs, can you consider a couple of things. One, if you carry on doing the contextualising for him, you are basically still fulfilling this mother role for him where you are explaining away his actions and masochistically putting yourself last and framing him as one of the boys in the house who walk all over you. this is not a good mould for whatever comes next in your life and you now have to focus on YOU and what and how you are going to detach and begin a new life. you have been too long in this role of pants and socks. No one gets to hide you their dirty linen for you to sort through any more. It will be shocking but you are going to have to find a new, independent role. All of the contextualising is going ot have to come from him, with no rationalisation or excuses, or it is worth precisely nothing.

Secondly, at some point sit and think what makes your view of men the way it is. You might have to consider that your brain has been doing somersaults for years trying to find rationalisations and explanations for your husband being a bit of an immature prick and it alighted on gender. It may be that he is just an immature prick. And your views on men have shaped round it. There are many who are not.

Matildathecat Sun 13-Oct-13 15:05:39

So the existence of his own children has led to his despair, misery and need to escape to another woman? Nice.

You don't need this sorry excuse for a man anywhere near your life. I suggest you refuse all contact about where he is sleeping or eating his lunch and stick to essential information only.

I think your mum knows what's happened but I would also make sure everyone else does, too.

No protecting him. Yourself and your DC are all that matters.

perfectstorm Sun 13-Oct-13 15:11:23

He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point.

He got to this point because he's enraged that the three children he brought into this world need time and attention he thinks should be his sole preserve. He's at this point because he's a selfish piece of shit who's rewarded a loving wife coping with three tiny kids by diverting time and emotional energy outside the marriage and away from those tiny lives. He's at this point because he's a lying piece of shit who is now claiming a full blown affair (he told you he loved her, ffs, even though he was too gutless to admit it was fully physical - and it was, this script has been played out on MN way too many times to allow any doubt on that front) was "nice banter". Nice banter that made the OW feel enormous guilt? And yet he feels none? Nice. hmm He's at this point because he has a truly staggering sense of entitlement.

He never deserved you. Never. His behaviour versus your reaction (and your priority being the children, as well as him, with yourself nowhere) is ample evidence. He's a fucking idiot. People like you are rare. For his sake, let's hope he realises that at some point. Though he'd need to remove his head from his rectum first.

perfectstorm Sun 13-Oct-13 15:15:34

thing is - 99% of us are ona fucking tredious treadmill of having to go to work, to pay for a house and family - its just life.

Yes, this. My husband has talked to me about how this bit of life - endless childcare, work drudgery - is pretty unrewarding. But he knows it's just the norm with a young family, and not an excuse to be an absolute shit. The me-me-me your H shows is not about being a man. It's about thinking you are somehow more special than everyone else, and that your life should be some sort of unendingly glorious extravaganza. He's not entitled to screw over his wife and children so he can get his ego/anatomy stroked. And blaming you for his determination to do just that is breathtaking.

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 15:20:39

Yeah, I didn't realise that I was entitled to a 'nice banter' with another man because, you know, I work and look and children and do housework and it all get a bit...samey hmm

KatieScarlett2833 Sun 13-Oct-13 15:22:53

Was that in the vows do you think?
" I promise to love, honour and cherish, until it gets a bit too much like hard work. Then I reserve the right to shag someone else for thrills"

cjel Sun 13-Oct-13 15:45:51

Afternoon Abney, sound lovely having dcs in bed with you- more room now! Hope you have a lovely afternoon with your family.

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