How do you move on from an emotionally abusive marriage?

[TheRobberBride]

I met my ex H when I was 20. I left him four months ago. We were together nearly 13 years-effectively my whole adult life.

Things were good when we first got together. Though I realise in retrospect that the red flags were there. He never liked me seeing my family, hated me spending a night away from him etc etc. His behaviour became much worse after the birth of our DCs and by the time I walked things had become intolerable.

How do I move on from this? I have a good degree and worked in a professional job but I gave up work when I had my first child and have been out of the workplace for some time now. It seems my field has moved on in the meantime and I would need to retrain for at least a year before I had any chance of re-entering it. I've been looking around for other work (even applied for some minimum wage posts) but despite sending out loads of CVs I haven't even been asked for an interview.

I just feel so hopeless. My confidence is at rock bottom. My husband told me for a decade that I was stupid and helpless and would never manage without him. I have to provide for my DCs now but I'm not even doing that. We're living with relatives and they've been lovely but we can't impose forever.

Self esteem and confidence is my main issues I think. How do I get them back? I'm going to start a Freedom course in January but what can I do in the meantime?

I want to move on with my life but it's so hard when I feel so useless and such a failure.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I sympathise having been left in a similar situation at about the same age. Being told you're stupid etc does smash your confidence if it goes on long enough. That's emotional abuse in a nutshell. Horrible.

You may be struggling to find work at the moment but you should feel immensely proud of the fact that you actually had the guts to walk in the first place. Many would haven't done that. I'm sure your relatives think you've been very courageous.

For self-esteem and confidence I personally found the best thing to do was to set myself small goals and achieve them. Really daft, small stuff to begin with like getting the lawnmower working or learning how to apply wallpaper. I remember really enjoying deliberately doing things he'd have hated. The 'fuck you' impulse led me down some really interesting avenues. :)

Can you get any help getting yourself some independent accommodation? Could that be a goal to aim for? Navigating the housing department and getting to grips with benefits could be quite rewarding.

Best of luck

[Fizzy6]

I was also in an abusive relationship for 10 years and left it in 2009 with my young son.

My ex was very controlling and it also became worse after the birth of our baby. The controlling behaviour was because my ex was very insecure and over time I couldn't be myself. Just like you he tried to cut me off from family and friends. The best thing I did for myself and our child was to leave the relationship and I moved back to my family who were a great support. I felt guilt for our child but realised that our child would end up damaged if I remained in the relationship.

Give yourself time to heal and to be yourself again. You have shown that you have great strength just by leaving the relationship. Insecure partners make themselves feel better by taking all their insecurities out on their partner and they end up trying to brainwash you into relying on them for everything and by controlling you.

Day by day you will become yourself again. Reconnect with your family and your friends and give yourself time to regain your confidence and enjoy your freedom. Over time you will get back on your feet and you will be so much happier!

I have now remarried and have had another child with my new partner. Both my children adore each other. My new partner is laid back and relaxed and has been so supportive as he knows what I went through in my first marriage. Above all he loves me for who I am and I can be myself again without having to worry about what I say, what I do, where I have been or what I am wearing. I have never been happier!

You will find happiness again just give yourself time. You have done the best thing possible for you and your child and you can now look forward to a future full of possibilities!!! Xxx