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Not ready to commit?

(87 Posts)
AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 11:09:16

I have namechanged for this due to obvious reasons.

DP and I have been going out for 6 years. We met quite young but we have been living together for years and are in our mid twenties.
I am working full time and supporting us completely as he has decided to go back to university. So far so good.

Recently I have been thinking about marriage more and we have talked about it as a couple. He seems to be reluctant to get engaged and married. He says he is too young and he doesn't see the rush as it's no big deal. It is a big deal to me. I also feel like we are making huge decisions based on us staying together so why not formalise it? We are living together, we have joint finances, I will support him through his university degree which means we need to live on a tiny budget. I have moved away from my family and for a variety of reasons us staying together will mean that it will be almost impossible to ever move back close to them. So I feel like I am compromising, taking him into account when making decisions and so on. On the other hand it doesn't feel like he is willing to compromise on something that is very important to me.

I know marriage doesn't offer complete security but it does offer a bit. I also feel like we are committing to each other so much, why not do it properly? I just can't see his point if view.

I have explained this to him in a non-confrontational way and he seemed to agree with me, making big promises. But this morning I used his computer and found search history about things like "She wants to get married, I am too young" (just an example). I probably shouldn't have looked but there we go, he obviously is not on the same sheet as me.

While I know marriage might not be important to some people it is to me and I am very disappointed today after finding out that he is lying to my face while googling the above. I am not some nutter who talks about marriage and babies every day but considering everything we have been going through, the years we have been together and the choices we are currently facing in life I don't feel unjustified in asking where he sees us in future and to think about marriage. It's making me feel insecure in my relationship despite everything else going well.

Not sure anyone can actually help me, but it feels good to write it down. Any advice about what to do? My open and frank chat obviously didn't work.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 13:33:36

Post grad degrees normally have their own funding system.

glastocat Sat 12-Oct-13 13:41:16

Of course you can feel too young to be married. I had been with my now husband for a couple of years by my mid twenties but didn't feel ready to get married and neither did he!A few years later we were ready, so we got married. Were still happily married 17 years later, after 22 years together. If he doesn't want to get married, he may change his mind in time, or he may not. I wouldn't be making financial sacrifices like that in an uncommitted relationship though, and I wouldn't have expected someone else to make them for me either.

TheSeaPriestess Sat 12-Oct-13 13:42:37

I would be hugely wary of such a big financial commitment if he feels that way. If he doesn't want that level of commitment he should support himself through uni. Why are you making all the sacrifices?

Viviennemary Sat 12-Oct-13 13:50:56

So does he have no other means of financial support apart from you. In which case this is a huge commitment from you. Or is he getting some funding for his post-grad studies. Most people can't afford to do postgrads that aren't funded.

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 14:48:02

No not really, unless he gets himself another job on top of what he's doing.

ImperialBlether Sat 12-Oct-13 16:12:49

MAs don't tend to, Offred. Everyone I know with an MA has had to fund it themselves.

OP, think about it. If a couple are committed to a future together then yes, they should give and take and support etc, but if one half of the couple isn't committed to a future together, the other person would be very foolish to spend a lot of money helping that person achieve their goals, knowing that there's a high risk of them swanning off afterwards, job done.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but the fact is you are the one making financial and emotional sacrifices, moving away from home and spending your money on his future, when he's not certain you're part of his future.

You really, really, need to look out for yourself here.

Jaynebxl Sat 12-Oct-13 17:01:53

I think someone asked this already but have you asked him if he sees marrying you as part of his future? And if he sees you together forever, with kids and all that?

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 17:23:59

Everyone I know has had a bursary for their ma tbh. It is possible but you have to apply for lots.

ALittleStranger Sat 12-Oct-13 17:41:43

Because people who aren't committed enough to marry a gf they have been with for 6 years, especially from a young age, often do leave for someone else.

This. A thousand times this. It is so, so common. So often people say they're not "ready for marriage" because they just don't want to marry the person they're with, and this withering out of starter relationships is incredibly common.

That said, mid-20s is young to get married so you can't hold it against him. But that has to balance against the fact that you've been together six years. Most people I know who did meet "the one" young also married them young. Those who strung it out ended up breaking up.

You need to find out how he sees your future. At the moment I think you're putting yourself in a reckless position by supporting him financally. If you were a partnership it would be fine. But you're not.

And ignore posters who say you cannot get married on a low budget. Of course you can, as long as you're not a Disney princess.

ImperialBlether Sat 12-Oct-13 17:44:21

Really, offred? Even for arts subjects? I didn't realise there were any available. My son's going for an MA next Autumn so I'll tell him to start looking now!

ALittleStranger Sat 12-Oct-13 17:49:54

I know people who have had Mphil funding (as a lot of taught MAs aren't eligible for funding), but most people I know who have done MAs have been self-funded.

expatinscotland Sat 12-Oct-13 18:08:59

'I just feel quite vulnerable right now as I have made the decision to move away from family, live with him, work my bum off to support us. And then he can't seem to see my point of view at all which hurts. And it makes me wonder whether I should take a step back, but I know that a step back would probably mean a break up to be honest.'

If there is one thing I've learned, it is to always listen to and go with your gut, and yours is sounding a klaxon as loud as a mill bummer.

It's always been about him, from the sound of it, you never being able to move near your family because of him, you supporting him whilst he does what he wants, you blah blah blah for him because of him.

You only get one life, OP, and the only thing you can throw away is your own self-respect and future. Or not. That choice is always yours.

There's no such thing as 'throwing away' a relationship, if it doesn't make you so happy you have no niggling doubts like this, no alarm bells saying, 'Hold on here! Something's not right' and then getting a response like you have in answer to bringing that up and finding stuff like this in history or whatever then all you are throwing away is your own chance at future happiness on your terms and with someone who has those terms, too.

Nothing wrong with wanting marriage, or not. But everything wrong when one person wants it and the other doesn't.

jasminerose Sat 12-Oct-13 18:18:41

Hes in his mid twenties which is pretty old. I think he is making excuses, and I definitely wouldnt want to be supporting him through university.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 19:35:30

The people I know are doing history subjects, don't know anyone doing arts.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 19:38:40

Either way, lots of people work their way through post grad quals.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 19:50:44

Maybe that is a compromise? That he could work to support himself?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 12-Oct-13 20:00:28

If he's too young to get married, then he's too young to have a girlfriend supporting him through his masters.

He can't have it both ways.

You are WAY TOO YOUNG to be working your arse off to support a BOYFRIEND through his masters just because he can't afford it otherwise.

If he can't afford it without you paying for it, he can't afford it.

"I always thought I'm supporting him now, I might need him to support me one day... Just how relationships work."

No, that's how MARRIAGES work.

This guy is not your husband, he has made no promises to be with you long term.

He's your boyfriend.

And he's using you.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:02:19

You have given so much to this man, moved for him, supported him. If he had wanted to marry you then he would have done so by now. As things are presently, he does not want to marry you. You could be wasting your time if marriage is what you want. Generally when a man loves you he cant wait to make you his and put a ring on your finger.

Aroundtheworldandback Sat 12-Oct-13 20:05:22

Offred's posts make the most sense. The level of commitment is not the same. By accepting funding from her he should be committed enough to get married or simply should not accept it, it's so clearly wrong.

JoinYourPlayFellows you just said it better than me.

Viviennemary Sat 12-Oct-13 20:14:27

Completely agree with JoinYourPlayfellows. You should not be financially responsible for this person. I can't think of one reason why you should be. Please don't do this.

Aroundtheworldandback Sat 12-Oct-13 20:19:25

I'm not saying this will definitely happen- but how would you feel if after his degree he met someone else, committed to her, and they would naturally both go on to enjoy the fruits of your investment. Stranger things have happened. Don't be romantic.

Wellwobbly Sat 12-Oct-13 20:40:49

This is not good. If he is not prepared to be committed, you should not be investing in him, or even subsidising his bed and board.

34DD Sat 12-Oct-13 20:53:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AWarmFuzzyFuture Sun 13-Oct-13 08:15:17

Very well said JoinYourPlayfellows smile

This is the heart of the issue: If he's too young to get married, then he's too young to have a girlfriend supporting him through his masters

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sun 13-Oct-13 08:57:07

Thank you very much everyone, I read all your answers again last night. Someone asked whether I had asked him about marriage in the future. I obviously have and he agreed to it, but looking at his google history I just can't be sure whether he means any of it can I?

I will have to have a big chat today after work.

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